Posts Tagged 'How To'

Masturbation Teacher!

Betty Dodson is in her seventies and still teaching women how to diddle themselves. After writing "Sex For One" in 1973, she now runs Bodysex Workshops (site appears down) with her partner, Carlin Ross, teaching inexperienced humans how to use their funnest parts.


Eye Handy!

Eye Handy combines two of everyone's favorite things: around-the-house handyman skills, and sexy babes. I think it does an OK job, but I found a number of mistakes in this video.
  1. No safety goggles. I can wave artistic license, but they should at least recommend it. Glass bits are worse than sawdust for eyes.
  2. She should have put a knot in the wire on the inside of the bottle; this prevents the wires from coming loose from the socket if the cord gets yanked. Also, a grommet to protect the cord from the sharp glass edges would be better.
  3. "If the light doesn't turn on, your have the wires backwards"? Wire direction prevents the socket from being 'live' even though the switch is off, lightbulbs light up either way.
  4. No mention of how the socket is mounted to the rest of the lamp; that's asking for the wire to get bent or twisted or otherwise compromised, or at the very least to cause the lampshade to randomly flop over sideways. In fact, nothing is really attached to anything else, aside from the stopper.
  5. They put the shade on underneath the socket; now the bulb is an extra couple inches higher. You can see when they turn it on that the bulb is almost sticking out of the top of the lampshade. That shade had a built-in mount that fits on the top of the light socket...if they bought the right kind of socket.
  6. Where's the light switch? If it's on the socket, the shade placement makes it difficult to get to.
Sorry, Eye Handy - I really want to like your site, but I can see underwear models without getting instructions for building a mildly-dangerous lamp. Hopefully the rest are better.

PS: go watch this for better eyewear, ear protection and glove use.

Porn Star 101!

Ever wanted to become a porn star? Sound hot to fuck while people are filming or photographing you? Here's the skinny on becoming a porn performer! In short: being a porn star is a business -- in fact, pretty much everything they've said here applies to all work-for-hire jobs: negotiate contracts, don't do work that wasn't agreed to, pay your taxes, demand to be paid what the work is worth, walk if things look unbalanced against your favor. The STD parts also go for everyone who has sex (i.e.: everyone).

That said, James Deen and Nina Hartley are so fun to watch reading teleprompters they should be working for some 24-hours news channel.


Make A Guitar!

So, you bought a bunch of woodworking tools, and all you've made so far is 54 of those "old lady butt" cut-outs for people's flower gardens? Pick up your tools and do something awesome: make yourself a guitar by buying this DVD at Amazon. It's only the beginning: you'll be making a double bass before you know it, and that kinda looks like old-lady ass if you look at it right.


Sex Thoughts!

Ever been having sex, and wonder what a baby would think? No? Too fucking bad, here's a chart that explains it all. Plus, in the interest of humor, the guy and the girl are both apparently virgins and/or are retarded, since they do sexing so horribly, horribly bad, which doesn't explain where the baby came from, maybe the dog brought it home from the park or something, I don't know. It's at least worth a mild chuckle when your expectations are lowered a bit, so there you go.


Change A Lightbulb!

How many sexy Dutch babes does it take to change a lightbulb?, I don't know, the punchline is all in Netherlandish, but I'm not complaining because a hot blonde changes a lightbulb in high heels. How the high heels stayed on the lightbulb, I have no idea. Ha, I knew I could fit a shitty joke in somewhere.

More from this gallery >>

Erotic Photo Dos and Don'ts!

I'm not completely sure if this is all satire or not. Lola Byrd of Peeperz has compiled a list of 'how to take artsy nudes', which is laid out kinda like last week's alt-girl takedown, but the photos are still pleasantly artsy. So, take it with a grain of salt the next time you get out the camera. Sure, it may get all Metarty, but is being that derivative really where you want to go?

Shoot Porn Of Yourself!

Ladies, ever wanted to know how to take sexy pictures of yourself? I mean, what guy wouldn't like surprise nude photos of their sex partner - or pictures of himself doing nasty things to you? Em & Lo have a list of what to do, so you don't end up with frumpy, uncomfortable pictures of a hot naked chick. Unless that's what turns you significant other on. "All-nude photos of clumsy, annoyed babes!" isn't any tagline I've seen online, though, so don't think that's going to get the best response.

How To Write Erotica!

Ever wanted to know how to write about sex? The Times has a primer for you, five tips on how to write pornographic stories that people want to read. I want to add, back from my days writing at don't ever, ever write about sticking your cock inside her clit, gentlemen. It will forever identify you as the guy who knows absolutely nothing about sex. Runner up is the "thrust her penis through her cervix" guy, who is technically possible, but highly unlikely as a sex act.

Threesome Basics!

Ever wanted to have a threesome, but were unsure of what to do? Get Frank has a short guide about what to do in preparation for a threesome. As for what to do during a threesome: if you haven't been fantasizing about that for years, you probably aren't ready for a threesome yet. Or, go watch some porn; that threesomes sometimes appear in pornographic films, so I'm told.

Guys Tips For Sex!

Ladies, feel you just don't understand what a guy wants in bed? Are you starting to realize that all those women-written advice articles in Cosmo really don't know shit? Here's Vinay Menon of The Star, providing a number of helpful tips for sexing up the average guy. They range from practical to subtle, neither of which seem to pop up in the Cosmo lists, and, above all, he's funny.

10 Sex Tips For Gals!, wisely reducing women to their basest component in their domain name, has come up with the 10 most important sex tips every girl should know. Or, rather, "10 tips you figured out during the first two times you had sex, but we need to fill a slideshow, so here you go." Hey, women, sex with foreplay, touching, and sensual stripping is hot! Maybe do something kinky, or sex outside once in a while! Oh, wait, is that not enough? Let me write a couple paragraphs about each, just to make sure you get it - can't overestimate a woman's intelligence, you know. The article starts by calling these "10 mind-blowing tips," but if you're mind is blown by statements of the importance of kissing or how much men enjoy blow-jobs, you are probably way too naive to actually try sex just yet. Number 1 is probably the most relevant and useful suggestion, and is probably why they started writing the list: feel comfortable in your own skin. Most useless and probably tossed in just so they could get to ten? Perfecting your signature sex move. Perform for me, trained monkey, I paid good money to see something different than the last three acts! This appears to be promoting a book called Supersex, and if the Top Ten List is any indicator, their intended audience are 17-year-old fearful virgins and 16-year-old boys.

How To Give a Blowjob!

Sorry, guys, this article isn't for you (well, unless you want to learn how to: that threesome you've been asking your woman for might not be MFF like you think) - how to give a blow job is a useful tutorial to lots of women out there; I like oral, most men like oral, as long as it's done right. One caveat, if you're a woman uncertain about her oral sex talents: a huge number of men can't orgasm just from oral sex. I'm one of them - but you need to remember that it's not because the blowjob is bad. More than likely, his orgasm meter is sitting at about 85%; it just can't get any higher that way, but you're blowjob is pushing him most of the way, and that feels freakin' good. Do it until you get tired of it, then move to something else - just because he didn't come doesn't mean you weren't good enough, it means he spent 10 minutes so close to an orgasm that he could barely stand it.