MTV wants to warn...wait, MTV? Really? OK, well -- MTV wants to warn you that everything good in your life reduces your sperm count. Really, if I add up everything on the list that I do, I total a 214% reduction in sperm, which I suppose means I'm technically reducing the sperm count of every man within a 50-foot radius. But, I'm not trying to get anybody pregnant, so all the more TV and bacon for me!

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An acne treatment clinic had found themselves under attack - attack by Russians looking for sperm-covered faces! Apparently someone has mis-typed a URL, directing facial-loving Russians to the acne-clinic's website thefacialroom.com. All this extra traffic has rubbed them the wrong way - most likely because they're paying for bandwidth by the meg - and all this porny traffic is causing some disturbation on their end. Rather than just taking their site down, they put up a message acknowledging all the facial attention...I'll bet it's because because sperm is good for acne, and they just don't want to admit it.

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NOOOOOOOO! Red meat, high-fat dairy, and other awesome foods might be making your sperm as lethargic as you are after a big steak dinner, you fat fuck. "We saw that, among the couples with fertility problems coming to the clinic, the men with good semen quality ate more vegetables and fruit than those men with low seminal quality," says one fertility doctor, so if you don't want inverior sperm, guys, make sure you nibble those melons: she'll love it.