Posts Tagged 'Sex'

Lower Sperm Count!

MTV wants to warn...wait, MTV? Really? OK, well -- MTV wants to warn you that everything good in your life reduces your sperm count. Really, if I add up everything on the list that I do, I total a 214% reduction in sperm, which I suppose means I'm technically reducing the sperm count of every man within a 50-foot radius. But, I'm not trying to get anybody pregnant, so all the more TV and bacon for me!

Image via.

Sex Equals Money!

More proof that sex makes everything awesome: people who have sex four times a week make more money. Sorry, it's not as effective as "fuck bitches get money", because what's really happening is that people who get laid regularly are happier, more satisfied, and all around better people than the undersexed competitors in the workplace, and all that positivity only means bigger raises. If you don't believe me, just try it out a while -- because, really, once you're having sex four times a week, you won't be quite so worried about your paycheck if it doesn't work out the way you expected.

Origami Penis Via.

Sex Makes You Younger!

It's official: lovemaking adds years to your life. Having sex regularly makes you look five to seven years younger, which makes self-conscious thirtysomethings feel better about those gray hairs and little wrinkles. What they don't realize is you have to keep it going, and if they're uncomfortable with old people sex then they'll creep themselves out. There's nothing wrong with old people sex; it's no wonder people are living longer, what with the added access to condoms, viagra, and dildos. It's almost like the sexual revolution caused old people, and it's downright glorious.


Mormons: Married Sex Is Best!

Ah, morality works best when data is cherrypicked. A large US university has done a landmark study showing that sex is better if you wait until you're married. Of course, it's one of the largest religious schools in the US, but what advantage would they have to publish such results? I know that all of my best experiences have been with somebody who's been morally fearful of doing the thing that they're doing for the first time at that moment - my dentist choices work exactly that way. "Excuse me, Mr. Dentist: have you been terrified of teeth up until only a few minutes ago? Hop on in - my cavities are ready for you!" The study, of course, only asked married people - it would be too hard to ask voluntarily single people if their best sexual experiences have been before getting married. I think what they've failed to realize is that the sex you're getting now is the best sexual experience you've ever had. The study's main point is that people who wait until marriage for sex have better relationships overall, but there's a correlation/causation problem here...when Brigham Young's Mormon Manufacturing Plant is citing studies which bolster Mormon Teachings, I doubt that a proper comparison of other possible causes, but, hey, if you're questioning your faith and need facts to reassure you, just keep doing what feels wrong, because someday, Brigham Young University promises everything will be better - just look at the data.

Sex: Completely Unknown!

The human race is still completely in the dark ages: nobody knows what sex is. Records indicate that thousands of years have passed since any human has experienced sex, and even that is believed to be an accident. Even going to the dictionary definition of sex is no help, because its vague, inspecific definition means nobody could possibly be doing something that fully fits that bill. Come on, now, CBS: bending the definition is a time-honored condition of being an dick - you weren't speeding, you were only going 5 over; you weren't bribed, they just hired you as a consultant; you weren't having an affair, the tranny blowjobs just happened; and so on and so forth. When having sex is a bad thing, the abstinence-only kids have anal and nonpenetrative...petting?...that still spreads disease, Republicans can stand behind family values because, hey, their line-crossing doesn't cross lines because the definition is different for them, and Good Christians can still have abortions because, by definition, they're a Good Christian, it's those whores who are going to hell. It's nice that a guy writing behind an alias can be all high-and-fucking-mighty about honesty and truth, but nobody said I'm not one of those rule-bending dicks. Problem is, when you're called on your definition-bending dickery, don't push yourself into assholedom by denying it.

All Downhill From Here!

Sorry, ladies, don't get your hopes up: a recent study shows you're having the best sex of your life at 28. In fact, you're happiest all-around at that point in your life - everything after that sucks. So, don't worry: you'll only have, what, fifty, sixty more years ahead of you? Like pornstars, football players, and actresses, you've passed that hump, it's all downhill from here.

Food Better Than Sex!

A survey has shown that men prefer food over sex. I don't think they're going for the "which can you go longer without" like that women's survey a while back. I think men are smart enough when offered "which would you give up for two weeks, food or sex?" and realize slow, agonizing death comes from one of those. No, the survey asks which gives the most lasting pleasure, food or sex, and food wins out. Note, for one, the survey was about Australians, and we all know they've got fucked up morals, and also the survey was given out by an ice cream manufacturer. Of course men are going to say ice cream makes them happier than sex when asked by an ice cream maker - if their sex partner asked, "does sex or ice cream make you happier?" hell yeah they're going to say sex; it's the one most likely given for free by the questioner.

Priest: I Had Sex!

Father Cutié, or as I prefer to call him, "Daddy Cutie", has been sticking his dick where the Pope wishes it wouldn't go. The charismatic priest, who had been photographed "frolicking" on the beach with an attractive woman, has admitted that he has been fucking her, too. It's not a casual relationship, and he may one day marry the woman, but that pesky vow of celibacy has gotten him removed from his duties. Hey, Cutie: there's non-Catholic religious leaders who can fuck all they want - don't let the Pope fool you, because it's all the same god. Like I've said before: don't fool yourself that you can slip one by on your church; find one that fits you better. I haven't been following Cutie that much, but he seems to embody the more tolerant aspects of Catholicism; I hope he gives some of that to an Evangelical branch, they need something to water down the crazy.

Marriage, Kids, and Filthy Sex!

Either it's the title of the worst porno ever, or somebody has forgotten the main reason people get married. Surprise: the people who were supposed to wait until marriage to have sex, are having sex while married. The trick hasn't worked: celibate priests have long known that marriage stops the sex drive, so by forcing people to not have sex until marriage, then living a sexless married life, would make the rest of the world as miserable as a celibate priest. Except for those sex-crazed atheists; they fuck like bunnies, don't you know. But, it turns out, married people will have sex anyway, even if their own children are in the house. Those pervs.

I Like Chocolate Like My Sex...

The AV Club has s feature in which they eat crappy stuff and write about how crappy it is. Then, their readers chime in on whatever was eaten. In this case, that second part is what you need to read: the discussion devolved into a "I like my chocolate like I like my sex:" finish-this-sentence competition. Scroll down to the end and read gems like this: I like my chocolate like I like my sex: bitter and lethal to dogs.

No Nude Sex!

Nudists are having trouble being taken seriously, what with all the orgies going on. The Australian Nudists Foundation wants nudists to not be all having sex with each other while they're being nudists, so that people stop thinking nudists are dirty, naughty orgyists. They do make the qualification that it musn't be 'overt' sex, so go fuck on your own time, clothes-free naturists!

In Love!

Yeah, I'm still in the 'newly in love' phase and googly with romantic intentions, so when I read this recent Rabbit Blog, I had to stand up with Mlle Havrilesky and echo:

Listen up, you grain-fed honky dickweeds - not just you, WW, but every fucking honky out there needs to hear this. We're not alive for very long. Have you noticed this, dickcheeses? We do not have all the fucking time in the world to draw up cost-benefit analyses on potential long-term pairings. If you're not swept the fuck away by your lady, move the fuck on. If you're not gritting your teeth and biting the palm of your hand like goddamn Squiggy every time she walks by, get over it. If you're not having the best sex of your life - and this is when you do that, dummies, in your mid-fucking-thirties, this is your big fucking shot at great sex, or at least this is where it starts - if you're not blown away, freaking out, breaking out, thrilled, shivery, talking a lot, sending stupid fucking emails to each other, rolling around, sighing, bragging, buying dumb little gifts - then how do you think you'll feel in a few years when you're fucking old and creaky and you have three little doo-doo factories in residence? You fucking dumbass honky-ass losers.

I'm a little unsure how to react, tho: I've been on both sides of the fence. When you watch others being giggly and lovey and crap, you wince at the stupidity of it all. You've done that, you remember how it felt and looked, and how it was all for shit and for all your effort it didn't get you a damn thing. No matter what you did, you ended up hurt and lonely and empty with a bunch of crap that only reminds you of the person who doesn't want to be around you anymore. After the fifth or sixth time, you tell yourself -- that's gotta be the wrong way to do it. Everything else in life that's supposed to last forever requires research, planning, and convergence of the planets. Homebuying, carbuying, career planning, estate planning -- spouses last as long (or longer), so they must take as much cost/benefit analysis too.

The big thing that relationship needs, that Havrilesky points out, is passion. House, car, lifestyle - they cost more money when you yield to passion. The sportscar, the mediterranean villa, the bohemian artistry: they're not the most cost-effective investments.

A passionate relationship, however, only requires the investment of your own passion and the return of it from the other party. If the passion is misspent on the wrong investment? So what...there's no shortage of giggly, happy, loving emotion, so there's no reason to hoard it like it's evaporating away.