Posts Tagged 'Penis'

Songs About Dicks!

Saweetie knows her type and he's got eight inches in his pants, and I'm surprised just how often this song gets played on the radio -- you'd think a song that explicitly talks about fucking a big dick would raise somebody's eyebrows, but I'm not complaining...this is just one in a long line of songs about dicks that made airplay.

My Ding-A-Ling, Chuck Berry

A favorite of tweens given how blatantly penis- and masturbation-related it is despite its innocent lyrics and cheery tune (plus its sing-along refrain) make this one of the best of the dick reference tunes; it doesn't really have anything to do with size, but is more about proper care and handling of a ding-a-ling.

Big Ten Inch, Aerosmith

Along the same lines of My Ding-A-Ling, Aerosmith also packed some innuendo into a classic rock tune, bragging about how much his girl wants his big-ten-inch....record, although the verse leading up to it doesn't really sound like she's interested in anything that goes on a turntable.

Slide It In, Whitesnake

"It", of course, is his penis. By today's standards lyrics that consist of "you act like you don't want my dick, but I know you do" don't really fly, even though they still get a bit of airplay; however for the early 80s hair-band vibe this was par for the course for announcing sexual prowess. It's about the guy's desire, and the woman will catch up later.

Sledgehammer, Peter Gabriel

I mean, usually Peter Gabriel lyrics are pretty much abstract free verse that there's no point in trying to understand, but sometimes things come together, like everything in Sledgehammer; it's all about pounding, bumping, opening up sweet fruitcakes and feeding the rhythm, it just falls short of explicitly saying 'yeah, we're fucking in this verse'.

Short Dick Man, Gilette

It was years before I heard the uncensored one, since the 'short short man' version got some airplay in the 90s. While the 'short short' version tries a hand at obscuring the truth with overdubs and censorship noise, this version just gives up on any sort of innuendo and just says, nope, short dick men are unacceptable.

Work It, Missy Elliot

We're into the inverse of guys singing about how great their dicks are - society has given women the power to explicitly like sex, too, and Missy Elliot is definitely making that point in this song. If you've got a big [elephant noise], she wants it; I've always hoped there was an uncensored version where she actually says 'cock', but leaving that sound effect in keeps the naughty, irreverent blue humor of the rest of the song intact, and confuses enough people that KitKats used the song to sell how much their candy wanted to suck your dick or something.

Peacock, Katy Perry

I'm sure plenty of dick-pic jerks think this is speaking to them, but all Katy Perry is trying to say is she wants to see your peacock...cock....cock. And why not? When Katy Perry says to whip it out, you do not leave her disappointed. As a song, it's pretty weak sauce, but at least she's getting her point across.

Anaconda, Nicki Minaj

Women want dick, and being able to sing about it without hiding it behind naiive and innocent innuendo is long past, like miss Minaj here, who likes guys whose dick is as big as a tower. Liberally sampling Sir Mix-A-Lot's Baby Got Back, it not only acts as an homage but also a response that although guys like a nice ass, women with the nice ass can like a dick right back.

(10/30/19: Edited because I fucking forgot Missy Elliot)

Dancing Genitals!

Sweden is a lot more liberal than the U.S., and it manifests itself in so many cute ways. For example, while Sesame Street might sing about body parts like toes and fingers and tongues, a children's program in Sweden might sing about penises and vaginas. Note there's no real sexual content in the song, it's more about how everybody has one or the other and we pee out of them, which if you think about it is kinda weird that Americans and other conservative countries think that should be hidden from young children for some reason. Just look at most of the complaints: many people claim it shouldn't be seen by young children, but few explain why.


Penis Jewelry!

When you hear the term "penis jewelry", you probably think of diamond-studded cockrings and fancy Pince Albert studs -- but fashion designer Tom Ford won't have any of that. Ford's penis jewelry is regular jewelry that looks like a penis. It's not even a "hey, that kinda looks like...", Ford's website even calls it a penis right in the title. At a distance it might pass for a cross, but get up close and it's pretty clearly C3P0's junk. Now that Christmas is here, at the easy-to-afford price of $790, you can get one for all the friendly women in your life!


New Penises!

Scientists at the Wake Forest Institute for Regenerative Medicine have done what was once thought impossible: cut off a rabbit's penis, grow them a new one, attach the new one, and get the rabbit laid. Well, that's how science works, right? They can't jump right to humans, that'd be tough to find volunteers. However, now that it works for bunnies, they can move on to people and make whole what was once broken. They appear to be only able to grow the penis itself at this time, from what I can gather, and not the entire genitalia, otherwise we'd be too close to producing an Edward Penishands for my comfort.


Grandma's Giant Penis!

Grandmas seem to gravitate towards fabric-crafts as they get older: knitting, sewing, rugs made from your old t-shirts -- but one Kansas City grandma has taken things too, too far. Holly Pollyester - if that is her real name - sews, knits, glues, and fastens giant penises. She has an exhibition at the UMKC (go Mizzou!) Gallery of Art. Being short on funds, they got their brochures and posters made through a Kickstarter effort, which is the absolute pure reason that Kickstarter exists. I vote their next Kickstarter is to put together a traveling exhibition to travel the rest of the western-central states - Kansas, Nebraska, Utah, Wyoming - showing off the giant penises at every little small-town community art museum they can find. What that area needs are more giant penises anyhow.


SexFit: Penis Odometer!

Sure, women get the kGoal, but what about guys?

Never fear: UK sex-toy company Bondara is developing the SexFit, a cockring that not only vibrates during sex like an average run-of-the-mill cockring, but also has sensors to analyze movement like a FitBit.

Guys, was it two or three thrusts before you came? Who remembers! Your SexFit will, updating the online app so you can share with your friends and compare data. OK, maybe it's not as productive as a FitBit, but it will analyze your thrusting technique and alter its vibrations to sync, which might actually be useful.

Plus, I'm hoping it's Bluetooth compatible, so I can set it as my 'silent ringer'. brmmmmmmmmm "Excuse me, I need to take a call."

Sadly, it's still in development and not available to the public.


Penis Electricity!

Just how much electricity can the penis tolerate? Apparently being struck by lightning in the penis has no lasting effects, but scientists still decided to study penis-zapping because the superhero-sounding technology "electrosurgery" is common enough in penis repairs that finally they decided to see just what shocking a penis does to it. Someone should have just asked the electrostim people, they've probably got a lot of, albeit anecdotal, case data on electrifying penises.

Penis Preference!

This just in: biologists have studied penises more than any other genitalia by a wide margin. Biologists love penises so much, half of all their papers on genitals have been about penises, versus 10% about women.

While I agree, penises are totally the best thing ever, but here's the problem: we don't entirely understand vaginas. Please, biology majors: vulvas are a mystery to men because you're not studying them. When one set of genitals gets more attention than the other, like, 5x as much, then the other one feels frustrated and left out and taken advantage of, while the one that got more attention gets to take a nap. Make biology mutual, and give her parts the attention they are due, biologists.

Tom Of Finland!

Finland: land of cold, sexy women, and homoerotic postage stamps. I mean, "cold" and "sexy women", not "cold sexy women", and by "homoerotic postage stamps" I mean "homoerotic postage stamps". The nation of Finland is commemorating some guy named "Tom of Finland", probably because he has the country's name in his name, by publishing his big, gay art on postage stamps. There's so much demand for these stamps that the deluge of pre-orders crashed the postal service website. If postage stamps are your thing, as a sidenote, you can buy underwear from Tom of Finland called "Sport Fucker".


Recently, somebody tried selling a Wangcaster on Craigslist.
Yes, you read that right: a Wangcaster. It's apparently a guitar shaped like a huge penis with balls, apparently to clue in really, really stupid people that don't get the symbolism of a regular guitar's shape in a man's hands. A little detective work proves the Craigslist guy stole the image from here, which proves that the guitar in the picture belongs to a guy in the Japanese band Tainted DickMen. Shame on you, Craigslist dude: everyone knows the best way to gain attention is to post your own big penis, not the musical penis of a Japanese rock star.

Penis Donation!

In Iceland, there's apparently a penis museum, which is also the most thorough penis museum, because it also contains a human penis. As you might guess, there's a story behind that, as a new documentary will show. Apparently, two different men (as opposed to this guy) believe they have the most museum-quality penises in the world, and were each vying to be the one whose penis is exhibited in the museum. Unfortunately, two-penis guy is probably the only one to deserve to be in the museum, but beggars can't be choosers when it comes to penis donations.

Pic via.

Penis Unemployment!

The moral of the story: drawing random penises is a bad idea. A guy in Wyoming handed a business card to a female customer -- who then found a hand-drawn penis on the back. The guy claimed he didn't know who drew it, but that still got him fired. Now, his former employer is fighting against his unemployment benefits. So, everyone, this cautionary tale should encourage you to always check things for drawn penises. You never know when you might inadvertently hand someone a business card, fax, divorce paperwork, credit card receipt, or any other piece of paper with dicks drawn all over it.

The Spice Of Life!

In 2006 in London, Amora: The Acadamy of Sex & Relationships was looking for a wall of penises, vaginas, and boobs. They talked to a photographer, hoping he'll shove his lens into people's private parts, but that photographer had met artist Jamie McCartney before and referred him. McCartney decided 2D was much too boring for such a significant installation. He instead created an expanse of castings, 3D penises, boobs, and vulvas jutting out from the wall, or, as I like to think of it, the funnest rock-climbing wall ever invented!


Penis Size Bullshit!

Here's some news, guys: your penis anxiety is all in your head. OK, yeah, women do say penis size matters in bed, but the study shows that men are far more freaked out about it than is relevant to extracurricular activities. Yeah, I'm huge as hell, but now I know I need to stop worrying about it. Ah, that is a big weight off my shoulders.


Penis Beaker!

Towels by the bed, sure. Condoms and lube in the drawer, fine. But some lady has a beaker of water for penis-cleaning nearby, and a parenting blog loses its shit. OK, fine, if that's the craziest sex thing people have in their room, whatever, but those disposable butt wipes are fucking perfect for this. Pour out your gross penis-water, wipe up hygenically.


Critique My Dick!

Note that this isn't "rate my dick" - although I'm sure there's a website out there for it. No, this is Critique My Dick, which takes an artistic appreciation of the art of photographing penises. I suspect this has its roots in the fact that the only people who value penis pictures are the men who take them, and the degree of absurdity of their assumption that others will appreciate the photo as well. Still, if you'd like me to email you a picture of my penis, we may be able to arrange something.

You are correct, this is a dick pic, but of Dick Van Dyke, the comedian, and not a naked penis.

Gargoyle Penis!

A man in Arizona had his artist son build a gargoyle for his front yard -- my guess is to scare away scorpions or whatever lives in Arizona besides old people -- but his neighbors went to the police because they want to avoid seeing a huge gargoyle wang. He says it's his constitutional right of expression, which it is, but did you see that wang? Seriously, it's not much fun to look at, I agree.


Hugest Penis In China!

The People's Daily, the best propaganda that China can produce, is building a new office building that might actually be Mechagodzilla's penis. But wait, you say, doesn't Mechagodzilla live in Japan? The article says it's still under construction, and everything is manufactured in China these days, you know. People should be worried less that the newspaper building looks like a giant penis, but that it actually IS the giant penis of an even larger robot buried under the ground around the construction site. They don't call building a building an "erection" for nothing.