If you're like me, you're figuring out what to do with the long winter stretch from January to March when it's all cold and snowy and you just want to go look at artistic representations of penises for a while. CNN has it all planned out for you, a world-wide tour of the sexiest museums you could possibly find. I've already mentioned some here, but never a whole list of them. Reserve your plane tickets now!

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Intrepid researchers asked 1,500 adults what their sexy fantasies are - and it turns out they're all statistically normal. Kids and animals, very unusual of course, golden showers a little less so, but everything else counts as something that turns most humans on. So, that fantasy about watching a woman eat a banana while you rub your dick with ice cream? 98% of men have that fantasy every day according to this study. Well, I think that's the number, it only makes sense.

A Pennsylvania church has bought a billboard to advertise their congregation by announcing God loves sex! Of course he does -- he wants you to have sex with your wife, your wives, your slaves, your dead brother's wives, anyone else willing and able, or even unwilling in the case of slaves and prisoners of war, and, heck, if you're righteous and too drunk to know what's happening, sex with daughters isn't too bad, either.

But this non-denominational church is looking at it through the lens of the Song of Solomon, which is quite interesting, seeing most churches prefer to read it as an allegory, with limited sexual connotation, and a church reading it as straight-up erotica is a nice change. It's my favorite book of the bible, you know.

Of course, other churches have a problem with this. I'm not sure why since, being a Christian sermon, it is unlikely to change the common rote rules about sex that Evangelical Christianity has wrought upon humanity for the past century, so the problem seems to be that this is a "SEX - now that I've got your attention" moment, a grab for attention, which apparently it has worked, so God works in not-so-mysterious-ways sometimes. Hopefully the sermon isn't as sexy as The Notebook, because church parking lots already have enough sinful sex going on.

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The Guardian brings up an interesting point: when everyone freaked out over the nearly-nude half-thong, was it really about disgust over the naked male body? For as often as the 'nude male art model' trope has been used, where an attractive naked man is surrounded by a circle of leering women, is seen as a joke on the sexual proclivities of women, rather than the discomfort of seeing a man naked - I mean, would Magic Mike have seen any success if the male body was seen as shameful or to be avoided?

No, but not in the way the article is trying to make it a general issue. OK, those half-thongs are stupid and ugly, mostly because the asymmetry is offputting and regular thongs get similar jeers. The problem isn't male nudity: the problem is men and nudity.

I think the problem the Guardian writer - who is, incidentally, a woman - is noting is more an issue with male discomfort in seeing another man naked. Men feel a primordial threat in seeing a naked attractive man nearby; he's going to usurp your manly place in the order of things, or possibly use that manliness against you to assert dominance. Since there's a pecking order, you put down the other guy to assert your own dominance, you point out the unattractiveness, the ugliness, to bolster yourself. Men, particularly those trying to put on an extra-super-straight exterior, are uncomfortable with seeing a man naked because of the threat against his own sexual power. And that's stupid, really, porn is full of naked guys that embody the wishes of the watcher; the urge is to be the guy who's fucking women, not to be the guy standing on the side while the sexy, attractive naked guy does the fucking. Seeing the naked male form stirs worries of the latter, which is something guys need to get over, the pissing contest hasn't worked since caveman days.

But, on the other hand, just look at this guy:

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Cosmo gets it: porn is like a Hitachi Magic Wand for guys. Since Sex in the City it has been chic for women to have a plastic, technologically advanced penis available for their slightest sexual whim, while the idea of a guy masturbating to porn is still seen as 'cheating'. Maturbating is fun, having sex is fun, one doesn't necessarily need to take away from the other, so let's all just relax and let the orgasms flow. Yay!

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So, tell me: is a girl whose boobs are as smooth as a Barbie doll still a sexy woman? Photographers Loretta Rae and Geoffrey Rittenmyer (who no longer have a website, and have presumably broken up their portmanteau studio "Loreffrey") decided to provoke some weird boners by photoshopping the nipples off women as a statement on what makes women sexy: is it the woman, or just that two-square-inches that the photoshop 'star' stamp covering them up on the celebrity gossip website? And, at least they have their teeth. Provided these ladies' crotches aren't as smooth and featureless as Barbie, I don't think I'd mind. Just ask all the men who still love their ladies after breast cancer surgery causes a nipple to disappear...but the amount of time and effort in restoring nipples goes to show that they do have more importance than photoshop can affect.

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Oh no! Teens regret their sexual experiences! Get the President on the phone - something must be done! Heaven forbid we allow children to make regrettable mistakes. All children need to - at every turn - feel like their decisions are the absolute best decision they could make at that time. I think I know what you're trying to tell us, Moral Conservatives: we need to teach kids that every sexual experience is something to be proud of. Get fucked by whatever guy sits down next to you at the party - there's no regrets, babe! We don't want you feeling bad about yourself. Do these people not remember their own childhood? Or maybe they remember it too well, and think their poor decisions somehow make them a bad person - don't let your kids be the horrible person you have become! The stuff we regret is the stuff that makes us a better person: it is a learning experience. It's like that bullshit about "women regret their abortions": wait, someone makes a tough decision that doesn't result all sunshine and roses, so it must have been the wrong decision? What fucking utopian cartoon Eden are you living in? I regret having to put my crazy, bitey dog down, but sometimes it just has to be done. I've fucked women and been pissed at myself later - whether the next morning or after sticking around in the relationship beyond its age - but each one of them has shaped the kind of guy I am today. What makes you a person is how you live with your regret, and turn it into something virtuous. This is the most telling, about both the sex and the abortions: "They sometimes say afterward - because often at the time they say they enjoyed it - but afterward it's unwanted. There's something about the culture, about the drinking and peer pressure." You got what you wanted, but the regret is a fucking shield from criticism. No, I did it, I enjoyed it, but you can't call me a slut because I regret it. I got pregnant, got an abortion, but I pray to God I never have to do it again. Bullshit on all sides: own your fucking actions.

Women should have sex even if they don't feel like it, much as in the old days when a husband's beckoning was all that was needed for a roll in the hay. The argument is simple: back before Women's Lib and a woman's ability to admit she enjoyed sex, women still enjoyed sex during the olden days, even if she didn't initiate it when she was horny. A woman will get into it after the guy starts, the new book says, so she should just give in and let him go for it even if sex isn't the first thing on her mind. Oh, and all the bad sex that results from it? Learning curve, ladies!

OK, let's take the dirty hippie commune idea, add in some Eastern pro-sex metaphysics, and dump it all in hip, stylish San Francisco, and what do you get? You get the One Taste Urban Retreat Center, a female-orgasm centered co-ed commune. The Commune's website (down at the moment?) emphasizes a concept called "mindful sex", in which both partners make sure they're safe, happy, and enjoying themselves during sex. How dare they try to make sense in their immoral behavior! Evangelizing morality is supposed to make you feel guilty about sex; they're doing it all wrong! I do think they've got it right - showing people how to behave with each other is a wonderful objective - but like most communes it probably won't survive long. They lack a world-sized scope of morals; limiting things to sex and relationships does not a commune-sustaining movement make. Er, wait - the power of a women's orgasm seems to be more than sustaining enough for a community: Lafayette Morehouse has been around for forty years.

My guess is, if you're panting and erect while staring at the tits I post, you're probably not. If the reason your here is for my erudite and witty comments on the news, and you skip over the pictures because they're wasting valuable interwebs, then you might just be. Here, have some help in determining your asexuality, via a flowchart.

I've wasted most of the day reading this site: 25 Things About My Sexuality. It borders on meme-dom, but it looks edited and the responses are well thought-out, so it's quick reading without getting all "thirteen things my cat did today" on you. I first anticipated it to be moderately arousing; the stories tend to be frank and honest, and largely emphasize people's hangups and flaws in bed -- and all of them seem to be women so far.

Sexual dysfunction in women lies largely in the brain, says a new study coming out of Stanford; 40% of women lack the mental arousal despite the physical ability to do so, as observed while testing the brain and "objectively observing the gentials" while the test subject viewed women's sporting events interspersed with snippets of erotic movies - which sounds like the awesomest application of the Ludovico Technique ever. While they don't say exactly what the brain issue is, there seems to be a connection to how aware a woman is of her body's sexual arousal, which means that relaxation and release may be more important than some hormone or blood-flow issue.

My first answer is, "No, as they do not have any penises!", but the actual question posed by this article is, "can women have careless, no-strings-attached sex and still enjoy it?" It's an odd question, since it assumes that us men have careless, no-strings-attached sex and still enjoy it, which I don't exactly think is completely true, either. The article points out that having an orgasm doesn't necessarily mean you enjoyed sex, but it seems to be the assumption when it comes to men. Sexist bastards!