Wish you had an app on your iPhone that helped you masturbate? Well, too bad, pervert - Apple has rejected a female-friendly masturbation app because girls shouldn't do that or something. Somehow, apps which promote sexual health are just as bad as Redtube, so you can't have it. You'll have to stick with looking at static photos in your browser to get your sexual-health-on now.

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More apps designed to assist the sexually-deficient: Lick This App is a touchscreen game designed to train your tongue for the licking gymnastics required for cunnilingus. About the only thing I've read regarding this app is "ewwwww, phones are gross!" Fucker, mostly what touches your phone is your finger and your cheek -- sure, that finger has been in your nose, but I'll be damned if it didn't touch your mouth directly at some point, like the phone somehow makes it worse. My StarTAC won't play this game, not enough RAM I guess, but if I ever encounter it in person I'll bet even I can learn something about clit-licking from this app. Even Olympic athletes continue to train after winning the gold.

Via, app designed by Christ Allick. al-LICK, get it?

You know the old adage, that shoe size translates to penis size? Well, some enterprising soul made an app that automatically does the conversion for you. It's not available in the Apple store, nor is it in the Android store, apparently it only exists for Palm, which is why big-money like Apple and Google didn't get sued, but the struggling HP and its 2010 acquisition Palm company are the ones being sued by the original Chubby Checker, the musician. I can totally understand: if there's one thing musicians hate, they absolutely abhor being associated with big penises. Oh, I know, this is about trademark and dilution of brand and blah blerg flhhkk, but my guess is the esteemed Mr. Checker checked his shoesize and found out an unfortunate truth about himself. Or, maybe he found the app is horribly miscalculating on the undersized end of the scale and he was the only person in a place to remedy the failure. And really, who besides 12-year-old boys looking for a reason to pick on other kids are going to play with an app that converts show size to penis size, and, do any of them own a fucking Palm device? Where can you even get one, besides a garage sale?

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You may have decided that buying a fake Facebook girlfriend was just too weird, so here's a much more productive Facebook app: Bang with Friends is a Facebook app for finding casual sex in your friend-list. Sadly, everyone in my friend list is either somebody I don't really know, or is really somebody I'm not that interested in fucking. But, I'm also not a college student who gets automatically friended by everyone because I'm in their email list or because they need to get my Algebra homework. In that case, Bang with Friends is a toy for hooking up with people you're probably already hooking up with, which ain't that bad of a place to be in life.

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