Posts Tagged 'Masturbatory Aids'

Sex Toy Review: Fifi Battle!

If you follow my tweety, you'll have seen this video a couple weeks ago:

As a fan of both handicraft projects and orgasms, I felt the only option was to create my own. Now, there's a problem: the "fifi", as a homemade male masturbator, has more than one definition. The more traditional "fifi" is a glove wrapped in a towel or some clothing, so we've got to determine which is best.

First, there's the fifi from the video, which visually looks like more fun to fuck -- it looks sorta like ass cheeks and a pussy.

So, I went down to my friendly neighborhood CVS and bought a pack of medical-grade rubber gloves. I made the first one per the instructions in the video, but the rubber looked like it was stretched pretty thin so I made a second with two layers of gloves.

Looks pretty inviting, doesn't she? The two-layer one was almost impossible to tie the knots and inflate, so my lightheadedness is purely for your benefit.

So, time to load up some porn on the computer and lube things up!

Here's where things begin to go wrong:

(Warning: penis for educational purposes ahead!)

The penis doesn't fit. Not a bit; the more I push, the more the "opening" pushes back; there's no way I'm getting inside there.

First, consider how small the middle finger of rubber gloves are: they're about a quarter the diameter of a penis and half as long. So, in order to fit a penis into one, it's gotta stretch.

The inflatable fifi does everything in its power to prevent that middle finger from stretching: first, you lose an inch at the tip when you tie the knot, and then you inflate it, so all the air pressure is working against your penis. Plus, the more you squeeze, trying to push the fifi onto your member, you're increasing the air pressure. There's no chance in hell, unless your dick is an inch long, that you can enjoyably pleasure yourself with the inflatable fifi from the video.

My conclusion is that it was something that prurient balloon-animal artists came up with as a way to make their immature brethren giggle. It's design is to look like a pussy, but it definitely won't behave like one.

But -- what about the more traditional fifi?

These are amazingly simple to make: lay a rubber glove on something you can roll up, leaving the 'wrist' sticking out a bit; after rolling it up, turn the wrist inside out over the end to hold its shape.

You don't want to roll it up tight, or you run into the same problem as the balloon pussy: you gotta leave room for your dick inside.

Granted, it's no factory-made masturbator: I can feel the 'wrinkles' of the glove, which aren't the most pleasant thing, but don't hurt. However, it did the job -- and it made cleanup easier, too, just toss that glove in the trash, and there's a towel on-hand for final detailing.

The towel fifi is apparently such a successful model for a masturbator that there's a commercial version out there, complete with custom "easy cleanup" 'gloves':

On top of that, there are inflatable male masturbators out there, but they're, you know, designed to accept a dick of reasonable size:

And don't forget the venerable blow-up doll has been a thing for years, although I've only had varying success with those, too:

Note that the "wrinkle" issue bothered me with the blow-up girl, too, so the towel fifi isn't so bad. Of course, the rubber/gel versions of male masturbators are going to be higher quality than anything you can make from whatever you can find in your bathroom cabinets, but, hey, not everyone can have their playthings ready to go all the time. If you've got a rubber glove and a couple minutes, wrap that fucker in a towel, but don't blow it up like a balloon. Trust me, I tried.

Liquid Lapdance!

There really aren't a whole lot of sex toys for men, compared to the acres of dildoes you can find at the adult bookstore. There's something new for guys, now: it's called the Liquid Lapdance, and it helps you orgasm while enjoying the strip club. It's pretty much lubed rubber underpants, like scaling up a Fleshlight's liner to miniskirt size. So, you lube it up before hitting the town, then as a stripper grinds on you the lubed parts stroke the shaft, and then you walk around the rest of the night in a lube-and-sperm dreamworld. I'm sure creepy guys will find plenty of unsavory reasons to wear it in public, but I'm sure there's plenty of non-creepy reasons to wear these someplace other than a stripclub. Like, doing sit-ups in the morning -- I can improve my core, and get off at the same time. I'll never be late to work again!

Home-made Fleshlight!

Most guys have tried masturbating with things that aren't really intended to be used as a masturbatory aid, and most of the time it's ill-advised and not all that great. What happens when a bunch of these inventive whackoffs get together online and try and reach a consensus for makeshift masturbators? A combination of hilarity and uncomfortable emergency room visits in the future. Lasagna? Never thought of that one, but then again I don't fuck food.