Posts Tagged 'Technology'

Sex Inventors!

Inventors find their inspiration everywhere: they see it driving down the street, at work, in the kitchen, and even while fucking -- Gizmodo has a number of patents with a sexual-pleasure focus, most of which aren't particular scary nor different than things that have actually been invented. The "put a flower in it" is probably the oddest. I know people who would love that water massager...but in the intervening century since that was invented somebody came up with massaging shower head. Hindsight is always 20-20 for inventors, including ones that invented a penis you strap to your face.


Smartphone Cockblock!

A new study has come out to say that Brits are having less sex than 20 years ago because of financial stress, job worries -- but OMG, online porn and tweeting in bed! Of course, whenever there's a new study out about sex acts, the most sensational stuff is in the lede and the less sensational stuff is more real but not as interesting to talk about. I doubt their study found tons of men turning down sex because they're busy posting selfies to Facebook.

However, some of the more interesting things are that women aged 16 - 24 were the most sexually active, more than even the most active men, which was 25 - 34 -- go get 'em, teenaged ladies!

Also they report that women only have 7.7 partners while men have 11.7 -- or about 1/3 fewer partners, which means men on average have 4 homosexual partners in their entire life -- every damn one of them -- or there's just an inflation in men's numbers and deflation in women's numbers, which seems the most likely. I suppose the other alternative is that those 4 partners on average are the same women, so those gals really get around without throwing off the women's average. People who do these studies fail to realize that heterosexual sex has one woman and one man, by definition; sure, there's probably going to be a little discrepancy between the numbers, but 1/3 difference? Somebody's not counting properly.



Sex always drives the leading edge of technology, so it should be no surprise that one of the cutting-edge videogames was Softporn, a text-adventure for your penis. It was designed by a computer programmer, but bought and distributed by one of the biggest adventure-style game developers at the time. That sexy, topless woman on the right? One of the greatest minds in puzzle-adventure games. Later, Sierra used more advanced computer technology, added graphics and animation, and rebranded Softporn as Leisure Suit Larry.


Computer Porn Use!

Those PornHub guys have done it again: they have laid out the OS battle in terms of porn usage. So, the next time you're shopping for portables, buy an Android phone and an Apple iPad, those are the leaders for watching people fuck while you're away from home. The most interesting chart is the one below: how long do users stick around? Windows, Mac, and Linux users are all within 30 seconds of each other, with Mac users lasting the longest. So, next time you're feeling amorous, check their PC first: those Windows guys might not last as long!


3D Vulva Arrest!

Don't tell Japan about 3d printed cocks, because they have obscenity laws which censor realistic depictions of genitalia, and it turns out that includes 3d-printer data of a woman's naked genitals. Now, if you know anything about 3D printed files, they're a whole lot of very unsexy data. But, since it could be fed into a 3D printer so that out pops a faithful rendition of artist Megumi Igarashi's vulva, that is a violation of the law. Sure, it's possible to view and render a 3D data file on the computer monitor, so it's probably not that far from the unsexy data contained in a compressed JPEG, but it just goes to show that, as technology improves, people try to find ever more creative ways to make it sexier.


Erotic Pocketwatch!

When you're spending all your days looking through a magnifying glass at tiny gears and springs, your mind must wander. Fine watchmakers can create fancy artistic movements, but really creative watchmakers hide erotic automatons inside. It's pretty run-of-the-mill, just a guy boning a woman, but I have a device in my pocket that tells time and lets me watch guys fuck women, I call mine an Android phone, but mine won't work if I can't get signal.


Wish you had an app on your iPhone that helped you masturbate? Well, too bad, pervert - Apple has rejected a female-friendly masturbation app because girls shouldn't do that or something. Somehow, apps which promote sexual health are just as bad as Redtube, so you can't have it. You'll have to stick with looking at static photos in your browser to get your sexual-health-on now.


3D Porn!

As with the utter failure of traditional 3D TVs, the attempt to make 3D pornography the Way Of The Future is also a failure, a dismal, regrettable attempt to use futuristic technology to improve the industry. The best quote, which sums it up: "the things that can come at you are the things that a male viewer does not want coming at them." Well, what about the women? All the fun of getting sprayed by sperm without the messy cleanup - what's not to like? But, like non-porn 3D, requring a bunch of high-tech equipment to make it work is the downfall of 3D porn as well. Why would they think a format that requires a special TV would counteract the free porn glut on the internet?


Kiiroo Teledildonics!

Kiiroo is a social network for sex toys -- if you own the male-oriented "SVir" or the female "OPue", you register the device with Kiiroo, which then lets other people control your device for teledildonic pleasure. As a social network, I expect things to go this way: first, there's not much adoption so not many people go there. Then, it reaches a tipping point where it becomes awesome because everyone you want to be there is hanging out. Finally, it reaches the climax, and you spend all your time with a rubber vagina strapped to your crotch while you spend your time clearing your inbox from Candy Crush Saga requests, messages from spammers, and fifty posts of meme graphics taken from last week's Reddit. I can already sit at my desk with a rubber vagina strapped to my cock, it's just a matter of timing to get Kiiroo just right.



After an off-the-cuff comment about how, if programmers are trying to make boobs behave realistically in video games, they should include bra shopping horrors and mammograms, one guy decided to make it a reality. He set up the site The BoobJam, and has asked for submissions from creative types, asking them to create video games that treat the female breast in a realistic way -- and not just constant heaving and thrusting. I suppose if you include some of that you'll be fine, but it shouldn't be the focus of these pixellated boobs for BoobJam. I'm no programmer but I do know a couple - maybe I should think up a game for them to make. If I don't come up with one, at least I will have spent a couple weeks thinking about boobs, so it's a win-win as far a I'm concerned.