Posts Tagged 'Sex Toys'

It Doesn't Go There!

Ah, the end of the year list: some are better than others, but when they're simultaneously cautionary and hilarious, you can't lose. This list from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits should make you think twice before sticking things where they aught not to go. For example: "INSERTED A LONG BALLOON IN PENIS TO HAVE GIRLFRIEND BLOW UP FOR SEXUAL STIMULATION AND IT BROKE"...."it" broke....I hope that means the balloon broke, and not the penis. Either way, ballooning the urethra doesn't sound like a good time to me, but, hey, everyone's gotta do their own thing.

Pic via.

Obfuscated Sex Toys!

It's almost Christmas, and you're still looking for the right gift for that special person??! Maybe he or she is just not too keen on bright-pink veiny rubber penises, and you want to get them a sex toy that doesn't look like a sex toy -- then Gizmodo has the clickbait article for you! The one guy toy on the list, the Zen masturbator, I had to look into - Apparently you turn it inside out and rub those triangles on your penis, to simulate fucking the low-polygon 1990s Lara Croft. Technology today is amazing!


The Story of Adam and Eve!

If you've browsed the ads in the back of most sex-oriented magazines, you've probably seen an ad for Adam & Eve. I hadn't thought much about the company, but it turns out there's more to the company than just pink dildos and porn DVDs. Adam & Eve has been around since the 70s, and started as a way of distributing birth control, and in the 1980s fought the government crackdown on porn that has helped porn-lovers through today.


Hands On A Hardbody!

When I think of "The Longest Handy Ever", I have PTSD flashbacks to an unlubed sexual experience in high school, but in THIS case a sex shop in Florida held a "hands on a hardbody" contest to win a goodie-bag of product. There wasn't a real penis involved - it was that blow-up penis the winner is so lovingly cuddling with in the pic below.

When I think of "finishing earlier than expected"...well, there's high-school flashbacks, too, but it also applies to the penis-touching contest. The Longest Handy Ever started at about 1pm in the X-Mart store in Gainesville, FL, but by two o'clock one contestant proposes everyone else drop out and she would share the sex toy goodies with the remaining competitors. Ah, when it comes to sex toys, cooperation always wins out in the end!

Recommended Sex Toys!

A female employee of an adult bookstore did an AskReddit recently, and the most relevant question was "what toys do you like?" Well, the young lady answered honestly, picking a top six list, one of which was handmade but the rest anyone can buy. They are: And as for the flogger, here's instructions on how to make one yourself.

No Bachmann Dildo!

NEWS FLASH: Michelle Bachmann, former Presidential candidate and all-around Conservative weirdo, has not - I repeat NOT - been masturbating. Here is the proof:

Strategy Group and its attorney then provided a notarized statement from employee Jorge Sosa, who said Elsass asked him last year to buy a specific head massager for the congresswoman. Elsass thought the gift might relieve Bachmann's headache.

Sosa said he bought the wrong model, one that an online product description shows is geared more toward use on ailing backs. After discovering his mistake, Sosa said, he purchased the correct head massager and returned the wrong one to Brookstone.

See, her staff didn't buy her a sex toy, they just bought her one personal massager, which didn't meet her needs, and then went back to buy another one, which in turn did meet Bachmann's needs. It was probably one of these, but I really, really like the image of Bachmann with a Hitachi Magic Wand in each hand, rubbing the vibrating balls against each of her temples, moaning in ecstasy.


Home-made Fleshlight!

Most guys have tried masturbating with things that aren't really intended to be used as a masturbatory aid, and most of the time it's ill-advised and not all that great. What happens when a bunch of these inventive whackoffs get together online and try and reach a consensus for makeshift masturbators? A combination of hilarity and uncomfortable emergency room visits in the future. Lasagna? Never thought of that one, but then again I don't fuck food.

Republican Butt Plugs!

As if Republicans don't already have a collection of these already, some pollster has recognized the look of Republican candidate graphs and decided to make butt plugs out of 'em. Strangely, the Bachmanns and the Santorums get the smallest of 'em, when they deserve the biggest, so go figure.


Christian Sex Toys!

Business is good for the Christian sex-toy store. Their tone is friendly, their website is clean and nudity-free, and it seems that they haven't gotten any/many complaints from the religious-sex-complainers. They carry a lot of what Sex~Kitten does, but it goes to show that it's all in how it is presented...items bought from a sinful shop are sinful, items bought in a Christian shop are holy.

Despite scriptural condemnation of an act, a business operating under the name of God is allowed to continue? Jesus would be proud. Being a non-Christian and all, I'm not condemning the business -- gosh, open more toy stores, people! -- but I find their religious slant questionable. It seems more to please customers than to please God, which is dubious when selling products designed to satisfy sexual lust.