Er, only fourteen, but some intrepid illustrator has put together a visual reference for all the major sex positions referenced in Fifty Shades of Grey, in case the poor writing and immature structure of the book wasn't clear enough that you'd need pictures to get it. Can you tell I couldn't finish reading it? Anyhoo, take a look at what Fifty Shades of Grey offers in terms of erotic content, take notes, and then at least admire that Cosmo's publishing illustrations of sex positions that are at least humanly possible. Although this one is a little suspect: he's controlling that floating benwa ball with HIS MIND!

Via.

I've been commenting on the viability of Cosmo's sex positions for years, and somebody finally decided to put their health at risk and actually attempt these dangerous acrobatic techniques. I hope they were at least certified in yoga, so that their inevitible disclocations and bone-breaks didn't cause too much permanent damage.

Cosmopolitan, genius of all things sexual, has tips on how to look sexy in lingerie. Here's the one and only thing you need to know ladies: First, you put on lingerie, then you show us that you're wearing lingerie, then you take it off in front of us, and then whatever happens next happens. End of story. Seriously, that's about it. "Exercise the night before" is about the most productive of their paltry three ideas, but, hey, if you're regularly exercising the night before everything, you're probably doing a pretty good job on keeping in shape and are confident about your looks anyhow. Confidence that we want to see you in lingerie is important, and believe you me, if you're having sex with a guy, he'd like to see you in lingerie from time to time. It's hot, don't paint yourself with bronzer to get some weird 'look' that you think we want.

Hey, guys! Some guy who just wrote a book gave a woman a 15-minute orgasm, and Cosmo's certain that it'll work for every woman in the whole world. Now, sure, there's millenia of sexual experience in humans, and an enormous amount of research, both individual and institutional, into what causes or impedes a woman's orgasm and nobody has come up with the solution - but this guy finally figured it out. President Obama should give this guy a fucking medal for it, and then get the guy working on clean coal and world peace. (psst - don't anybody tell him about the Hitachi, he'll feel inadequate.)

Whadda ya know - I agree with Cosmo for once. Fashion Week is producing some shitty styles for men, and Cosmo hopes they won't take off. Especially the Disneyland Boobhat seen below, but anything which encourages spandex leggings sucks shit too. I mean, what the fuck, Fashion World? Do you honestly think women will find men attractive if we dress like this? Jesus christ.

Does Cosmo really have an entire book of these? Dude, the number of injuries must be epic. Anyhow, here's the newest one - some from-behind position. When I'm erect, there's no way my dick is going to point downward, but, hey, I'm sure it's possible - still, the guy is way too high, the best he can do here is fuck her in the ass. Again, possible, but still a far from ideal position for such things. I'm beginning to think Cosmo's illustrator thinks a penis sticks out as though the vagina were turned inside out like a pocket - straight down, anchored right in front of the anus. Creepy, yes, but most of Cosmo's positions line up the bottom of the crotch with her vagina, like he's got a double-ended dildo sticking out of his vagina and the other end is positionable within a 180-degree radius.Anyhow, the dick and either hole aren't going to line up - note that the outside of his right hip is against the inside of her right thigh, which puts his penis at least the thickness of his leg to the left of her cunt. In the instructions, it says the guy sits right behind your buns - whatever that means - and as he rocks back and forth, you close your thighs? With your legs straight out behind you? That's like trying to be fucked while standing, knees locked and together. Again, maybe this is intended to trick women into anal, but I don't think that's Cosmo's intention. Lastly, although it doesn't affect the coitus itself, but do you know anybody whose back can make a 90-degree turn backwards right at the shoulderblades? That's some excellent yoga shit right there, let me tell you.

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This time, Cosmo does a bit better than previous attempts at proper anatomy. My first kudos: the penis and vagina actually line up! Most sexual artists agree that penis/vagina cooperation is rarely required in pornographic art, just an afterthought for the most part, so Cosmo has gone above and beyond to show people actually fucking in a drawing of people fucking. In order to do so, they either had to shrink their male fucker down to about 5' 1", or grow their woman up to 6' tall. Certainly, I'm not opposed to either Amazon fucking or shorty fucking, but considering your usual height difference, that pose won't work.

The 'fun' of this pose, according to Cosmo, is to "Stand beside a soft-spraying sprinkler and bend over so the water hits your genitals.". Hey, graphic artist: do you know where a woman's genitals are? No, tits aren't genitals. Lots of fun, but no, they aren't genitals. The red circle in my diagram depicts the position of the clitoris, the funnest place to spray water, which is sandwiched between their hips. And, Jesus, Cosmo, did your parents never let you run through a sprinkler when you were a child? Sprinklers are designed to spray water everywhere - one that sprays in a focused beam is going to get thrown away pretty quick. My guess is it's spinning, so after it's done soaking the 'genitals' in her belly-button, it's going to spin around and get her full in the face, filling her upside-down nostrils with cold hose-water. Hey, if Amazons are into that, who am I to judge. Oh, wait - they actually suggest that - "Instead of keeping the sprinkler on the stationary setting, switch it to rotate so you get a bliss-inducing blast all over your body." I've only got one kind of bliss-inducing face-spray, and it involves my cock; what Cosmo's suggesting is waterboarding your lover.

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I think this is going to be a running feature on this site: Cosmopolitan magazine continues to fail anatomy class. First of all, penis and vagina positioning continue to fail - just look at where the bottom of his ass is, and where they think is penis is, it's like three inches below his crotch. But beyond anatomy, Cosmo fails at physics this time, particularly how leverage works. In science class, the babe here is a 2nd Order Lever - the fulcrum is at one end, the weight is in the middle, and the force acting on the weight is at the other end, her feet. Holding on to his neck, all of her weight is trying to swing towards his body, with her feet to stop from either pushing him over or pulling him forward. Her feet are significantly beyond the fulcrum - try this, my experimenters: sit down on the floor with your knees bent and your feet about two feet underneath your dining room table. Now grab the edge of the diningroom table and pull yourself up so the tabletop is at nose level. Hard, ain't it? that's because your feet can't do much, the leverage is forcing your feet to lift up off the floor. Pretty much all this couple can do it stand like this, his throbbing cock against her belly, and all her weight against his thighs. This might work if her feet were against a flat wall, and not resting on a hovering three-inch-thick midget bed, thus giving her something to push against so she can do the thrusting. He can't thrust; if he stops leaning backwards against her weight, they'll both fall towards her. Unless he's Superman or something, holding all of her weight on his hands (at the end of monkey-like super-long arms according to the image below) and moving her around like a sex toy. That would help a lot of sex positions; here, not even Superman's mighty penis can line up with how they're positioned. Total fail.

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I've been checking out Cosmo's "hot new positions" images for a while, and they usually require quite a bit of geometry to make them fit. This recent one is a total FAIL. Unless fucking her belly button is the intent. Even if she wasn't floating two inches above the floor (suspended by his penis?) or putting all of her weight on the arch of his foot, her back is arched and her ass is sticking out - her vagina is pointed ninety degrees away from his dick, even if their crotches lined up. But, like I've said before, Cosmo is simply erotica, so nobody's going to try it - she's going to diddle her clit while fantasizing about Mr. Line Art in the shower.

Cosmo has some good news for computer geeks: they say that ladies are likely to find a guy if they go take a gander at the toys coming and going from the Apple Store. "You can check your email among cuties," they say, "take a free workshop on anything from Photoshop to podcasting (a great opportunity to strike up a conversation), or just survey the, ahem, good-looking merchandise."