Grandmas seem to gravitate towards fabric-crafts as they get older: knitting, sewing, rugs made from your old t-shirts -- but one Kansas City grandma has taken things too, too far. Holly Pollyester - if that is her real name - sews, knits, glues, and fastens giant penises. She has an exhibition at the UMKC (go Mizzou!) Gallery of Art. Being short on funds, they got their brochures and posters made through a Kickstarter effort, which is the absolute pure reason that Kickstarter exists. I vote their next Kickstarter is to put together a traveling exhibition to travel the rest of the western-central states - Kansas, Nebraska, Utah, Wyoming - showing off the giant penises at every little small-town community art museum they can find. What that area needs are more giant penises anyhow.

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So, you bought a bunch of woodworking tools, and all you've made so far is 54 of those "old lady butt" cut-outs for people's flower gardens? Pick up your tools and do something awesome: make yourself a guitar by buying this DVD at Amazon. It's only the beginning: you'll be making a double bass before you know it, and that kinda looks like old-lady ass if you look at it right.

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I'm the cook around the house, and I love my cast-iron frying pans. I've thought a couple times I should get a cover for the handles, since they can get pretty hot. If I felt like holding on to a small, crocheted penis, I could order one of these -- they're called "manhandles" and I don't think I'm the right audience for them, but if the insinuation is that A) kitchens belong to women and B) women love touching penises, well, then I guess these are totally awesome. Not sure how that fixes my frying pan issue, but, well, I'll pass on the penis potholders, sorry.

Sometimes, when you've got a talent, you need to use it to help people. When Cora's knitting group's plan to help new parents by knitting things, Cora shook things up by going off the beaten path. While everyone else is knitting onesies and and tuques, Cora is knitting tits. You may be surprised: knitting boobs isn't all that uncommon at all, which makes me mad that everyone has overlooked the most fucking obvious Christmas gift for me. Seriously, people: warm cozy breasts are my most favorite thing in the world, and I want to fill a McDonaldsland ball-pit with them and just spend the rest of my life in there. Is that so much to ask?

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