Posts Tagged 'Boobs'

The Pornstars of Married...With Children!

If you've ever watched Married...With Children, one of the Fox Network's earliest successes, you've noted that they throw in some hot and sexy women on a regular basis. What you might not know, however, is that many of those sexy women came from the porn industry. Many had overlapping careers as models in girlie mags, but some shone particularly in adult film. Here's some of the most remarkable ones:

Letha Weapons was clearly hired for one skill: being able to throw around her huge tits. She appears as a stripper with massive jugs, and she excelled in the role. They only briefly show her from the front before the bra comes off, then all we get are censor-friendly side-boob glimpses:

Pamela Anderson, whose porn experience is primarily represented by her sextape with Tommy Lee, although most of her tabloid life happened after appearing on Married...With Children. She, along with Becky Mullen of G.L.O.W. (who also excelled in softcore boobfests), was one of Al's two dreamgirls, fighting over him until he was unnecessarily woken up before things got good:

Traci Lords had already reached a status of infamy over lying about her age to produce porn - but by the time she appeared on Married...With Children she was pursuing a mainstream film career, and she really wasn't that bad of an actress. She appeared in two episodes as two different characters, but most prominently as a dental assistant, creepily being felt up by Joe Flaherty:

The biggest star - who you've probably never heard of - was Teri Weigel. She was also one of the only recurring pornstars, appearing in four episodes as the character "Jade". Teri is also extremely prolific as a performer, with over a hundred film credits to her name, and while she's done a number of mainstream productions, she has worked steadily in porn since the 1990s.

After Season 7, Married...With Children was a huge hit and was sinking into being a caricature of itself - which wasn't so bad, given what a broad caricature it was to begin with. After that time, a wide variety of Playboy Playmates, Penthouse Pets and other girlie-mag stars appeared on the show, with Season 10 being particularly boob-friendly. These actresses were mostly "models", and the porn very softcore, so while there were more boobs, there were fewer that had been serious porn stars before appearing on Married...With Children. Boy, Ed O'Neill's 40s were a rough decade:

Jingle Boobs!

We met her with her classical rendition a few months ago, but now Sara X is bopping and bouncing to Jingle Bells. Enjoy.

Boob Weights!

Why? Why the fuck not, says the Russians. 306 Creative Communication has figured out that, as a communication professional, breasts are a prime motivator in viral media. So, they have made lifting weights that look like boobs. Carry on!


Bras Not Best!

Otto Titzling is spinning in his grave. For 15 years, a doctor in France has studied 130 women and decided that bras aren't really all that awesome. 130 doesn't seem that thorough: I don't know how many 40G boobs he was around, but there's definitely some people in need of a well-fitting bra. However, I can't complain about nicely-shaped pair of boobs swinging free, so use this information however fits, ladies.


Boobs And Books!

Is there nothing more adorable than this? Two of my favorite things get put together, like peanut butter and chocolate, or Volkswagens with tank treads. Topless Girls Reading Books is a thing now, and it makes me sad that it took this long. Below, a young lady reads from Fargo Rock City - don't feel bad, honey, we all have that much trouble reading Chuck Klosterman, it's OK.


Bouncy Bouncy!

The animated GIF is the greatest invention for boob-lovers ever. They're short, focused, and they loop, over and over, until you've got tunnelvision and are completely hypnotized. Just like when you've got huge boobs and poor bra support and you're at a rave.

Total Recall Boobs!

My college buddies only wanted to see Total Recall when it came out because of the promise of a tri-tittied hooker in it, and although I don't think they got the movie, they sure did get a good look at a ten-foot-tall multi-boobed woman, so they were happy. You may have heard there's a Total Recall remake coming out, and, sure enough, they gotta throw in a three-boobed woman in there. It wouldn't be Total Recall without her. Note the clumsily-positioned strip of fabric; I'll bet she's anatomically correct, just like the original, under there.


Boob Stickers!

Apparently, somebody decided that, as long as the areola was covered, that was enough boob blockage. That person was made the god of mankind everywhere. Coed magazine, fan of everything boob-but-not-quite-porn, spent weeks compiling over a hundred pictures of women with boob stickers covering their nipples. Enjoy.

Essex Boobs!

Because I only watch American television these days, I had no idea there was something called an "Essex". Fuck, it's even got the word 'sex' right there in the title. Modern science has determined that the women of Essex have the biggest boobs in the UK, which, no doubt, has something to do with the Essex girl stereotype. The more I read, the more Essex sounds like the Jersey Shore of England - and, what the hell, it IS the freakin' Jersey Shore thanks to a TV show called The Only Way Is Essex, but with those sexy British accents. Here's an example of one of those Essex girls:

This beats the hell out of a Snooki any day of the week. It's too bad I can't fucking understand anything anybody is saying on the Essex TV show...which isn't too different from Jersey Shore, I guess. The accent makes all the difference: it's just so cute the way they say "berfdahy".

Lots Of Soapy Links!

My bookmarks file is getting too damn big! Just for the sake of clearing things out, here's an extra-special edition of...

"Lorna Morgan" takes a bath on the deck with her big-ass natural tits. They're a pretty good set, with a few disturbing ones tossed in for good measure. While I'm not the kinda guy that finds drooling while brushing your teeth sexy, there must be someone out there looking for it.

Don't be fooled by the title: the site is not "Plane Treanna" -- it's actually "Planet Reanna," and a girl, who we can only assume is "Reanna," take a nicely soapy bath in very soft light. Unlike most normal bathers, she wears large, dangly earrings in the bath...but I'm not complaining.

Much like this lady, whose page says she belongs to some guy named "Leroy." She took great care to apply her makeup before bathing, no doubt to enhance the "I'm bored yet acting sexy" expression on her face throughout the photos. The ill-named "Shellylicious" (I'll bet she got picked on in junior high) did have the courtesy to put on her makeup for the bath, and made sure to outline her eyes in dark makeup so we'd know she wasn't missing them like some sightless cave lizard. Still, she knows how to enjoy being photographed in the bath: I'd wash her back for a smile.

"Jessi Capelli has taken this "look" to another level: her expression varies from blank erotic to brain melting. Good for her, though; telekenetics are in short supply in pornography.

Unlike this gal, who might be named "Kira Dreams," or else the website is simply stating as fact that, yes, Kira is able to dream, and does so at times. She's so cheery in the bath that one wonders if she just likes the bath that much or if she's that happy all the time.

"Brooke", from Planet Brooke, is a bit hard to read: she seems like she's being sexy in the bath, but she's got her lips pursed like she's annoyed at being interrupted in the bath. It might also be the dark outlined eyes, too, but she does take a very bubbly bath, so you might not be looking 'up there'.

"Mandy", as presented by Real Big Racks, actually does, in fact, have a big rack. She also doesn't wear makeup in the bath, which is always a plus. She's also a little on the 'bigger' size (from the viewpoint of someone looking at size-1 porngirls with the physical build of a teenaged boy), and I kinda like seeing that. She's someone that might actually put out for the losers that look at online porn for fun.

"Amy" claims to be my latina dream girl, but the last time I dreamed of a latina girl, she was working at a she store and I was wearing a clown costume and couldn't find the bathroom...but that's just what I dream, you might have something else in mind. Anyways, Amy starts out poorly, with a bunch of dressed photos, but once she gets in the bath things get nice, so make sure to scroll down.

If you like videos, the guys at Dooza have two samples for you from a bathing-focused DVD. Both start with long videos of a woman washing herself in a bubbly bath, and end up with sex in the bath...something for everybody! Skin Up...oh, wait, is that "Vip"? Anyways, they've got two preview videos besides the sex vids, which are all quite good. "18 and Busty" has a set of 4 videos, all short, but when put together make for a pleasant viewing.

"Jenny" is just out of high school and living in the dorms -- which must be the best kick-ass dorms ever because they've got wrought-iron bathtubs and windows everywhere. I don't think I've ever been in a girl's dorm bathroom that would be adequate for a sexy bubble bath, but this "Jenny" is lucky; hers allows her to get plenty soapy for our benefit.

The Met Art galleries I've seen are impressive: nice lighting, nice setting, very "Playboyish", but I don't encounter them enough. Here's a nice set for those of you who like both soapy and wet t-shirts: they don't try hard by naming the model or having some canned "I'm 18 and love anal sex" comment. Just pics, and good ones at that.

I'm very concerned about this gal, though: I've seen her elsewhere on the net, but this website says I can videochat with her -- right now -- and she'll do anything I say. Do they realize how hard it is on the skin to leave her in the bath, all day long, waiting for me to chat? I've even checked back at 3am to see if they take it down to let her sleep, but no dice: she's in the bath 24 hours a day. Poor, poor girl.