Not content with men jacking off in small rooms, China has developed the cutting-edge technology for collecting semen samples in a controlled way: The wank machine. That's just what I'm calling it, I don't know what the official name is. You stick your dick into this space-age shaped thing, and - voila - it makes you cum. Oh, no, it's not naughty: this is a medical device, built to exacting specifications! I'm sure nobody will figure out how to make it a coin-operated machine to be found in truck stops and massage parlors. That would make too much fucking sense. Looking at the picture below, I wonder what all the knobs are for. The space-age shapes and the brushed aluminum knobs make it look like something from the liner notes of a Styx album. HOLY SHIT KID, DON'T STICK YOUR FINGER IN THERE!

Rounding out the concept of nightmare masturbators (previously), here's one right out of a Lovecraftian hell-hole. This repulsive, anomalous, blubbery, numbing globe...this webbed, wan rheum...this four-way masturbator looks like a shoggoth appendage, full of teeth everywhich way you'd hope to stick your dick into it. Even though it is clearly teethless, I'd fear for the total annihilation of any sanity that I hope to retain after depositing my seed into such an unimaginable, polypous ichor. It's not just a three-way pussy; unholy scientific experimentation has developed this into an object with pussies from various ages, simultaneously existing as maiden, mother and crone. The asshole stays the same throughout life, apparently, or else we'd have a Lovecraftian thing with not only three pussies, but three anuses as well. I'm beginning to lose touch with reality just imagining such a zymotic blasphemy of a gelatinous vulva. Found at Sex-Kitten, of course.

^{PS: I'm not smart enough to do the Lovecraft shit on my own - I got it from here.}

I am not a fan of sex with disembodied person-parts (although I guess I should rethink what exactly a dildo is), so buying a pornstar's head to fuck is kinda screwy. Bree Olson - one of Charlie Sheen's high-end sex toys - submitted to having a cast made of her head, so it could me molded in cyberskin and sold for men to stick their penises into. Well, not the whole head, just the front part, so it looks like a horrible industrial accident occurred during filming. Faces usually have their eyes wrong, but they're definitely messed up here - don't they know that she's supposed to be looking up? Straight ahead is kinda weird, like you're face-fucking a sexy robot or something.

Caption for the above photo: *removing mask* So you see, Mr. Bond, the existence of your busty assistant, Sucky McCocklover, was all a ruse - it was me, your evil enemy, the whole time! Want one of your own? Sexclectic has them, and their sample photos are just as creepy. Via.