We joke about five million dollar toilet seats and special bolts that cost enough to feed a family of five for a year, but sometimes the government really does spend too much money. Just look at penis pumps. Look at them. Medicaid has paid 473,620 claims, for about $175 million for penis pumps -- which count as durable medical devices, like a fake leg or crutches -- since 2006, and that's way too much money. Why get a $500 medical device when you can get a $15 one from your favorite online retailer? Do the math for Medicaid: that's $370 per pump on average. That's not bad for a high-end penis pump, but in general it looks like you can get a pretty good one for about $100. The reason is that certain things that Medicaid pays for aren't priced competitively, they are estimated based on past cost and inflation. Do they not have Google? Yeah, don't buy poor disabled people a $15 penis pump, but you can still save about half of what you're spending now, Mr. Government.

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Here you go, limpy: a condom with an erection-sustaining paste, so that while the condom may reduce a little sensitivity, your cock is gonna stay nice and hard. The active ingredient is trademarked Zanifil, but theactive ingredient is glyceryl trinitrate. Yes, it's motherfucking nitroglycerine. If Mr. Nobel knew that his favorite explosive would be giving women orgasms left and right, the past recipients of the Nobel Prize would be far boobier than they actually have been. Thanks, modern prophylactic science, for making my penis' nickname, "Boom Goes The Dynamite", a little more true with every passing day.