Posts Tagged 'News'

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Cheated? Don't Tell!

Sleeping around? Don't tell your partner, or they'll feel sad. Oh, wait: if you're feeling guilty about cheating, don't tell your partner, or you're just relieving your guilt while dumping emotions on your partner. Wait, so I'm supposed to admit cheating while I'm having fun at it? That may make a little sense, but it ensures that she leaves, and then it's no longer "cheating"; so, I suppose, the theory is to cheat long enough to feel guilty about it, and then you won't have to tell anyone. Problem solved!

Porn: Comfort Food!

It takes a media analyst to come to this conclusion: porn is a libido-destroying distraction from your own lack of sex. Watch the bad acting, poor craftsmanship, and depressing formulaic regularity of the average hotel-room porn, and your libido will be properly defused. I properly "defuse" myself to porn in a different manner, sir, and I argue that hotel room porn is probably not the best place to be looking. It's like complaining that your Filet-O-Fish lacks the subtle woodiness of a freshly-caught trout straight from a high-altitude Wyoming stream.

Porn Hyperbole From Politician!

In response to the story a few days ago that Pirates II was being screened on college campuses, politicians flexed their muscles and threatened to cut funding if porn were shown on campus for entertainment purposes; in most states, I'm not sure that would even be legal for the government to threaten, but the university caved and cancelled the screening. No, the huge knee-jerk reaction gets worse: Maryland state senator Andy Harris opined that students can't smoke on campus, but could watch porn - an outrage he says, because "Occasional viewing of porn is more dangerous than occasionally lighting up a cigarette." Oh my flying fuck, this guy dresses himself in the morning? Hyperbole aside, here's just how crazy Harris' statement is - a campus member of the anti-pornography feminist group Feminism Without Borders had this to say: "Generally, I think it's a bad idea. I think it's exploitative and objectifies women. This film would not have had a huge effect on campus. It is not the state's job to dictate morality." When the Dworkinized feminists sound more sane and level-headed than you in regards to porn, State Senator Andy Harris, you begin to sound like a crackpot. Sure, let's say a college says, "no, this violates school rules, we had a meeting about it, and porn will not be shown," that would be a smart and prudent way for this to have been handled. For the college to go through regular channels, approve the film to be shown, and then cave to assholes from the community who threaten hurting educational programs just to stop the evils of porn, that's unbelievably stupid. You'd think college-educated administrators would be smarter than that.

Foiled By Sex Lines!

The way you'd think it, every other phone number directs to a sex line. In yesterday's news, those now foiled by phone-sex typos include a regional cereal company, and the fucking White House. Makes you wonder if graphic designers and secretaries are getting paid a little something under the table to flip digits, because there's benefit in a spam-like conversion rate where 2% of international reporters trying to get a hold of Mr. Obama got the sex line and thought, hell, as long as I'm here...

Sweden: Same Sex Marriage!

Yet again, Sweden proves they're a better country than the United States: the entire nation of Sweden has legalized same-sex marriage, thus making those Swedish Bikini Team (wait, what?) fantasies all the more hotter, amirite? The United States should fear this development, though - when sinewy, blonde busty women can marry each other, what chance to fat, grubby Americans have? None, that's who.

Funny = Sexy!

Guys, buy that lewd knock-knock joke book you've been looking at: women believe that men who have a sense of humor are sexier, which is why I'm no longer allowed to tell jokes at the front desk at work anymore. We've had to fire too many secretaries for lusting after my funny ass. Including my mom.

Maxim: Learn About Women!

Your Tango has an expert in their midst, a former editor of Maxim, who is sharing by disclosing the nine things about women that you can learn from Maxim. On one hand, it's a subtle description of the misogyny-lite that Maxim is known for - but on the other hand, I've known women that fit every fucking thing on that list at one point or another. That's why women are such a mystery; just when you think you've got them figured out, they do exactly what you don't expect them to do.

Playboy: Sexual Harrassment!

Writer Corri Fetman, seen here showing off her legal briefs, is suing Playboy's digital arm for sexual harrassment, citing that executive Thomas Hagopian spent much of his productive time groping her, sending her explicit emails, and then punishing her for not responding, rather than "driving their strategic vision to optimize its potential," as his hiring press release describes his job. Hagopian had spent much of his career in cable TV, no doubt (thanks to cheap late-night advertising rates) he had been regularly exposed to Joe Francis' inspiring girls-going-wild business model, the likes of which Playboy has been lacking: abusing the women that help you make money. As with Joe Francis, Hagopian is still "the accused" rather than "proven asshole", but with Playboy's dwindling profit and resources, it might be something they'll want settled out of court - maybe they'll just give her Hef's house.

Pirate School!

The University of Chicago is producing the ninja-fighters of the future by offering a class on pirate culture, allowing "egghead" students a taste of privateering on the high seas. I envision them all looking like this after graduation. Ten-to-one there's at least five guys in the course who have spent over $100 on a Jack Sparrow costume in the past five years.

Pope: Condoms = AIDS Worse!

The Pope, expert on all things related to sexuality and unbiased science, has declared that condoms don't make AIDS better - it actually makes things worse. Now, actual doctors and scientists have been saying for years that, if you're going to have sex,a condom will always be better than nothing. What Pappy doesn't realize is that people are going to have sex; they don't have Papal resolve when it comes to those urges. Nobody cares that some old guy says God wants them to be abstinent and chaste.

Ogden: Pro-Porn Atty General!

Nominee for deputy attorney general David Ogden has coservatives' panties in a bind: he has been a defender of pornography in the past, promoting First Amendment rights for everyone's safety. Republicans, however, are terrified video of two people having sex will destroy our culture more than militant Christianity, greed without bounds, and making the poor even poorer. But, oh, no, not naked people! Ogden wasn't really a porn lawyer; he worked on behalf of the ACLU, interested in promoting freedom and reducing government influence in the lives of individual's beliefs, two things espoused by conservatives but only if it meets their needs. Ogden is also pro-choice, anti-death penalty, and combined with his positive free speech stance makes him pleasantly progressive after the past 8 years.

Beer For Lunch And Dinner!

Dr. Malcolm Lloyd of Johns Hopkins has some amazing news: one to two drinks a day makes you live longer - and happier, I presume - than teetotallers. Now let's see my boss complain about the Natty Light in my lunchbox today! If course, he warns that health benefits careen out of control when you get much more than casual drinking (remember, 4 or 5 is considered 'binge drinking'), so the six-pack you finished off during American Idol last week isn't going to help you live to a hundred, you loser. (via)

Stanford Vulva Experiment!

Sexual dysfunction in women lies largely in the brain, says a new study coming out of Stanford; 40% of women lack the mental arousal despite the physical ability to do so, as observed while testing the brain and "objectively observing the gentials" while the test subject viewed women's sporting events interspersed with snippets of erotic movies - which sounds like the awesomest application of the Ludovico Technique ever. While they don't say exactly what the brain issue is, there seems to be a connection to how aware a woman is of her body's sexual arousal, which means that relaxation and release may be more important than some hormone or blood-flow issue.

Conservatives Love Porn!

A new study out shows that good, wholesome church-going folk loves them the pornography - So-called 'red states' have more online porn subscriptions per person than more liberal states. It's all about control with those Conservatives, isn't it? Other people's porn habits are under scrutiny and need laws passed, but when it comes to themselves - "hands off, don't tell me what I can and can't do". Democracy and libertarianism for the rich, laws and socialism for the poor - the dysfunctional attitude of the conservative parties is what's paying for the online pornographer's Porches - so we at leave have that going for us.

Big Condom Thief!

You know, those safe-sex organizations give away condoms for free: you don't have to use heavy equipment to break in to their offices to steal them. I suppose, the thief was trying to avoid the embarassment, but the condoms stolen were extra large condoms - a guy like that should walk around wearing a light-up T-Shirt identifying his size-requirements for choosing condoms, and possibly have a choir of angels announce his entrances. The only embarassment this guy probably experienced was discovering just how small he really was when he tried them on. It was probably like slipping a croissant in a bag designed for french bread. (another Fark via)

Blowjob: To Be Arrested!

Malaysia, what a wacky country - first, government official Datuk Seri Dr Chua Soi Lek 'accidentally' ends up on a sex tape, shown getting a blow job. It's not enough that he resigned and had his life destroyed over a hummer: they now intend to arrest the blow-jobber under "Section 377A of the Penal Code for carnal intercourse against the order of nature". So, young lady, just step forward and identify yourself as a young woman paddling against the flow of nature, and all will be right in the world. We just can't have people giving blow-jobs willy-nilly.

Crabs: From Gorillas!

Around three million years ago, a huge evolutionary jump occurred: public lice that lived on gorillas began to inhabit human pubes. As we all know, you can get public lice from things other sex, so don't get all "my grandpa fucked gorillas!" on us - we can only assume that those early humans were either too cheap to stay at a clean hotel, or they used a bus station bathroom, and that's how the species jumped from one primate to another.

Phone Sex: Not Me!

Those evil, evil identity thieves! An 86-year-old woman was stunned when the bills for a phone sex service showed up in her husband's name. She knew, she knew he couldn't have done such a thing - he doesn't have a credit card...hell, he doesn't even have a phone: he's been dead for twenty years. Identity thieves exploited a loophole in a shifty payment service, applying for credit using dead people's information, then - most likely - running fake phone-sex services and calling themselves. The payment service has agreed to drop existing charges, but that hasn't stopped new bills from arriving.

Bear: Shovel, Gun Attack!

When a bear throws your dog around like a rag doll, most people wouldn't take on a wild animal, but this guy first tried a shovel to the head. That didn't work, so it took three shots from his rifle to run off the bear. The first tag for this guy is "lucky idiot". The second tag is "huge balls of steel". The two cancel each other out, so he's just lucky his dog is doing OK.

Telemarketers: Not Phone Sex!

According to a recent survey, four out of ten telemarketers are mistaken for phone sex operators by their randy 'customers'; On one hand, encouraging a telemarketer to leave you alone by saying obscene things is a tried-and-true American tradition, so it's nice to see Korea moving up in the world, but, damn, are you that hard up that any random woman (or guy) that calls you on the phone is a possible playtoy? Korea, you have more cutie options than that.

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