An excellent security system was used against a bank robber in Ohio: As the robber tries to leave, the atrium doors only work in opposite directions, trapping the robber in the entryway before they can escape. The police arrived to pick up their order of "thief between glass" before it got cold.

Obama's inauguration yesterday has brought out a few excellent aspects of the man's presidency. First, in his inauguration speech, he said: "...We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus -- and non-believers." And, as if that wasn't cool enough, Mother Jones discovered a big section on GLBT rights on the 'civil rights' section of the new whitehouse.gov. Finally, a president who seems to understand that the 'rule of the majority' only elected him, but doesn't control him -- and recognizes his purpose is to now enforce our laws a! nd Constitution in their protection of those in a minority moral position.

A lawyer in the Moscow offices of Allen & Overy has been told to cut back on her website: well, just the fucking-related parts. You see, her bosses frown on her erotic expression, that it somehow reflects poorly on their business, so they ordered her to stop publishing it online. The wording would indicate that the chapters she has alread! y online are fine, but we all know how this works...employers have their employees by the short hairs, and use that influence to control people's private lives. Such a shame. Even worse: the few chapters I could get through were, shall we say, in need of the judicious and extreme influence of a skilled editor. It would be so much easier to defend a true work of art than the firstiest first-draft of an amateur writer. Take it all down Dierdre, polish it up, get the help of an editor, then give it to the world - you'll kill two birds with one stone.

Oh, dear - it just shows how utterly, utterly disconnected from today's teens when an abstinence-only program for teens uses a CLOWN to teach the message. If a whitefaced hobo came up to me and warned, "Sex before marriage will destroy all of your life's dreams!" I would definitely, definitely not believe him. You can't trust a clown, least of all with your genitals. Unless, that is, it turns out that premarital sex leads to becoming a clown...then I'm torn. (via)

When robbing a bank, it is wise to scout the premesis first: check for exits, security guard schedules, and times the banks are busiest. Oh, and make sure it's a bank. A would-be robber forgot that last step, and barged in to a building demanding the tellers hand over the cash. The bank had left months before - the city water department occupied the location now. It took some convincing, but the robber finally realized his mistake and took off empty handed. (via)

When a pizza place becomes so specifically dangers to your health, you should avoid it - but I'm not talking about Pizza Hut's new natural pizzas. Last April, a guy unluckily got shot while eating at a pizza place, but I suppose that wasn't enough of a warning to him. He got Warning #2 yesterday: he was shot again, at the same pizza parlor. Hopefully he realizes now that Nature doesn't give a third warning - that pizza place is freakin' off-limits to this guy now.

As a followup to TIME's article, "The Internet: Safe for Kids?", I offer you: "Outside: Safe for Kids?" in which we point out that, by leaving the home, children are set up for peer-sex-solicitation, bullying, racism and other bigotry, and even physical dangers such as car accidents and rape. Oh, certainly, schools are largely a safe place, but they cannot prevent 100% of the dangers resulting from a child allowed to leave their bedroom, even if you physically carry your child from their room to the car, and from the car to the school's front doors. Leaving the house is the common thread between all non-home-related dangers - won't someone please think of the children?!!?? Happily, TIME re! aches the same conclusion as I do: teaching kids how to survive and avoid negative experiences is far more important than shielding them or trying to control their experiences.

Scientists are making stem sells out of all kinds of things - today, scientists have found that they can manufacture stem cells from your testicles. Lose an eye to a barroom fight? GROW A NEW ONE FROM YOUR BALLS! Having heart problems? GROW A NEW ONE FROM YOUR BALLS! Diabetes getting you down? GROW A PANCREAS FROM YOUR BALLS! Who knew testicles could be so useful?

Finally - an end to the "14-year-old boy with breasts" body shape! Scientists have isolated the hormone that, during body development, makes that oh-so-sexy hourglass shape that Marilyn Monroe had in spades. Depending on your position in the relationship, it might not be that great - women on the hormone look better, but they tend to be more self-confident, assertive, and sleep around more. Bad for husbands, good for boyfriends, eh? I suppose it's a worthy trade-off if it reduces the number of stick-thin, protruding-hipbone pseudo-beauties.

First, there are some photos of the artistic models that were on strike last month in Paris. That one guy looks like he really, really needs the money: buy a sammitch, dude.

Next: those fake Lego ads, as I thought, had nothing to do with Legos: they are actually images stolen from artist Jean-Yves Lemoigne, who was toying with pixellation. Eureka!

When you've got two Rottweilers in your junkyard, you don't expect anything to be stolen. So, of course, you're going to be very surprised when thieves run off with one of your guard dogs. Dog #2 was left behind, but the male, #1, was nowhere to be found - checks with the pound determined that the dog hadn't just escaped, but the police came to the rescure. After arresting some stoner for a crime spree, they found the stolen dog in his possession. Home safe, the dog is back at his normal duties, but somebody needs to find a way to keep theives from running off with his dogs in the future -- maybe a couple Dobermans to keep watch?

Entrepeneur Natalie Dylan hatched an ingenious plan: sell something she only has one of, is unduplicatable, and men value for some really, really stupid reason: her virginity. So far, bids are nearing $4 million dollars (find out how to bid here, if you've got the money), which really should inspire the rest of the population if college freshmen: you've got something between your legs that's worth more than most adults see during their entire lifetime! Be careful in a commodity market, though - if you flood the exchange with a large amount of product at once, the price will fall. Who wants to clumsily give their virginity to ! some guy they just met, just because spent a little money on them? That would be unheard of.

Once again, fire crews had to rescue a dude from his predicament: he had, somehow, gotten himself 75 feet up the wrong side of a flagpole. If only he knew that there was an easier way to get the flag down than climbing all the way up there - although I'm just assuming: the fire department didn't know how the guy got up there, either. Reporters were wise to report that the guy didn't seem injured, because injured people are regularly able to hoist themselves 75 straight up in the air and hold themselves there until rescued.

Male Sex Sweat isn't just a bad translation of a Japanese cologne label: it's hardwired into women's brains. Women exposed to one particular man's "sex sweat" store that information in an important part of the brain, thus ensuring that she recognize it in the future. Mildly gross, but the basis for some fun sex-exclamations: "smell my sex sweat! SMELL IT! OHHH!"

You know, it's probably a sign that the kids aren't spending enough time in church: a fifty-year-old piece of ecumenical art has been removed from a church in England because it scares small children. The sculpture, from what I can gather, was a 10-foot-tall crucifix and probably full of the blood and gore appropriate for the execution, which only means that British children are pansy-assed wusses. Do like the American Catholic church did when I was a kid: have a scary nun point at the bloody Jesus and tell the boys "that's what's going to happen to you if you masturbate." There's a reason the church used that kind of Jesus behind the altar.

OK, last week the media had a heyday, because abstinence pledges don't seem to affect anything. This Einstein points out that the data compares apples-to-apples (how unfair!), and abstinence pledgers are still more chaste than the general population. Which, frankly, proves I'm right - if chastity-ring kids are just as sexually active as their conservative, religious peers regardless of pledging, then the abstinence pledge does nothing: it's simply a game the adults play to feel better about their morals. If the kid is going to have sex! , they're going to do it, abstinence pledge or not. If the person in the link above says progressive, godless teens are sluttier, well, let's see the data - but the data on religious, restrained kids still shows that they're just as slutty whether they've pledged their virginity or not.

You know that the economy had its head up its ass when this sort of thing happens. Nobody in their right mind would invest $2 million - on the recommendation of their financial advisor - into a fuckin' Paris Hilton film and expect to make their money back. Towards the end of this article you see the outcome, in which an investor realizes that it might not have been the wisest place to secure their money: "The movie is a dog," Anderson wrote. "The comedy is not funny, editing and story line are choppy and Paris shows no skin. It will have a very, very small audience." Too bad it cost them two mil to figure that out.

The best lie of 2008 has been decided: "My grandson is the most persuasive liar I have ever met. By the time he was 2 years old he could dirty his diaper and make his mother believe someone else had done it." About 160 liars sent in their whoppers, but only one really gets to be called The Best. Those guys who write the Penthouse Letters, apparently, aren't eligible due to their preternatural abilities.

The Daily Beast has honored the world with their list of "The Thinking Man's Sex Symbols", but, sadly, I'm not cool enough to know who many of those women are. M.I.A.? Zadie Smith? Well, I guess if they're hot, they're hot; who am I to argue? Unfortunately, they don't provide nude photos of any of the ladies, which is a disappointment. Meredith Vieira, I'm pointing at you, because we know you're biding your time for the opportunity to release them.

Norway, moving away from the direction its fellow Scandinavian countries have been, has outlawed prostitution, again blaming prostitution itself for things like human traffiking and child abuse. Well, actually, it outlawed the buying of sex, which means - sorry guys - it's against the law for you to pay for sex, but nothing against the gal advertising her wares, which is still ahead of the U.S. in progressiveness.