No, there's nothing paranoid or crazy about Hamas, Posted July 15th 2009, 3:23pm
Tags: news

Or am I thinking of Trotskyism? YourTango has a cute list of reasons that condoms are like communism. Probably the truest of them: They are not for the lazy (or selfish). Now, imagine it being said by that skinny, pale guy at the bar, with the thick black glasses frames and the sickly looking girlfriend with the knee-high wool stockings and ill-fitting sweater who's always doodling in her moleskine. Yeah, that's what this list sounds like to me. But, hey, whether its condoms or communism, trusting it a little despite the imperfections, risks, and discomfort, and everyone will be happier in the long run - just don't let it make people get all high and mighty, magnifying their self-worth and forgetting the reason for it, and we'll all be in better shape. Oh, and quell all armed rebellions before they get too far. (via)

New studies show that swearing can help improve a bad situation. Day going badly? Fuck that shit. Someone annoy you? Go fuck yourself, asshole. Preparing to have sex? Fuck that bitch long and hard. Er, wait: maybe swearing doesn't just improve bad things, but in my experience many good things - sex, off-color jokes, funerals - can be improved by swearing as well. Maybe that's why we discourage the use of supurfluous obscenities: it risks turning the world into a utopia. A horrible, horrible utopia of bad words and unbridled happiness.

This is a landmark discovery in the world of sexual asshollery: challenging social growth which is more accepting of homosexuality in India, Swami Baba Ramdev has announced that gayness is a disease, curable by yoga. He goes on to say that this includes "pranayama (breathing exercises) and other meditation techniques", but the last time I thought of some guy named Baba Ramdev, deep breathing, and repeating "oh, god" until you reach a transcendental experience, it wasn't exactly the least gay thing I've ever seen, I'm just saying.

The Ukraine, unaware of the "internet" which can provide pornography on everything from computers to celphones, has banned all porn unless it is medicinal. Medicinal? So, if it's used like antibiotics or morphine, it's OK so long as a doctor scribbles a prescription on paper? So, dear Ukranians, get yourself to the doctor right away: prescriptions to cure blue balls, uncontrollable fantasies, and wet dreams are in order! Being a Ukranian pharmacist has never been so much fun - calculating and measuring the dosage is the awesomest part of the day. (via)

Ever wanted demographic information on social media users? Turns out, your assumptions are correct: MySpace users are lazy and fat, LinkedIn is for middle-aged moms, and Facebook is lame because everyone's using it. Oh, and Twitter users are more interested in sex than the average social media user. Who has time to write anything substantial when you're fucking anything that moves?

And you thought sex was some God-given pleasure to make humans happy. Pfsh, that's stupid. Sex is because we'd die from all the parasites, according to a new study. Asexual clones remain tasty and appealing to parasites who've already figured out their defenses. Sexual reproduction, however, continually makes unpalatable, hard-to-crack creatures. Sounds like everyone at the bar last night, amirite? Anyhow, it helps explain the reason the more-expensive sexual reproduction gets preference: after a while, the parasites take over otherwise.

The human race is still completely in the dark ages: nobody knows what sex is. Records indicate that thousands of years have passed since any human has experienced sex, and even that is believed to be an accident. Even going to the dictionary definition of sex is no help, because its vague, inspecific definition means nobody could possibly be doing something that fully fits that bill. Come on, now, CBS: bending the definition is a time-honored condition of being an dick - you weren't speeding, you were only going 5 over; you weren't bribed, they just hired you as a consultant; you weren't having an affair, the tranny blowjobs just happened; and so on and so forth. When having sex is a bad thing, the abstinence-only kids have anal and nonpenetrative...petting?...that still spreads disease, Republicans can stand behind family values because, hey, their line-crossing doesn't cross lines because the definition is different for them, and Good Christians can still have abortions because, by definition, they're a Good Christian, it's those whores who are going to hell. It's nice that a guy writing behind an alias can be all high-and-fucking-mighty about honesty and truth, but nobody said I'm not one of those rule-bending dicks. Problem is, when you're called on your definition-bending dickery, don't push yourself into assholedom by denying it.

A new study has released a freaking bombshell: Men's definition of attractiveness in women is pretty consistent, but women are far more nuanced and varying in their choice of attractiveness in males. Amazing! This, they say, has to do with women's neurotic obsession with appearance, because they're all working towards that attractive shape, while men don't care as much, because women don't agree on anything, so why try. The study has a lot of holes, because, hell, BBW women get laid too, and it runs on the assumption that women are looking for a body and not a man of action. "We asked men to identify cool cars entirely by color and fuel efficiency, and their answers were all over the place; this proves men are fickle and unpredictable in their car-shopping behavior!" Er, no, look again.

Sorry, ladies, don't get your hopes up: a recent study shows you're having the best sex of your life at 28. In fact, you're happiest all-around at that point in your life - everything after that sucks. So, don't worry: you'll only have, what, fifty, sixty more years ahead of you? Like pornstars, football players, and actresses, you've passed that hump, it's all downhill from here.

Ever wanted to know how to write about sex? The Times has a primer for you, five tips on how to write pornographic stories that people want to read. I want to add, back from my days writing at EroticStories.com: don't ever, ever write about sticking your cock inside her clit, gentlemen. It will forever identify you as the guy who knows absolutely nothing about sex. Runner up is the "thrust her penis through her cervix" guy, who is technically possible, but highly unlikely as a sex act.

The National Institutes of Health is working on a new research project to determine the reasons for the failure to use condoms properly. As far as a nation's health goes, this is akin to research on why children don't get immunized - for all the fear and crap over STDs and unwanted pregancies, and considering the condom "failure rate" quoted by anti-sex rhetoric of 15% failure includes incorrect or inconsistent use, I'd say this is a good reason to be spending health-related money. ABC News, however, couldn't find anybody in the health industry to ask about it (other than quote from the NIH's press release), so they questions not one, but two people from politically-motivated watchdog groups. Thanks for the excellent journalism, Walt Disney!

Women, you've know it all along: men are stupid because of you. Studies have shown that men's IQ drops significantly when interacting with a pretty woman, which completely explains why that one cashier at the grocery store kept telling you that story about puking, even though it was clear that the story was going nowhere good. Men can't be responsible for our idiocy, so women need to stand up and acknowledge the fact that their tits are ruining mankind.

NOOOOOOOO! Red meat, high-fat dairy, and other awesome foods might be making your sperm as lethargic as you are after a big steak dinner, you fat fuck. "We saw that, among the couples with fertility problems coming to the clinic, the men with good semen quality ate more vegetables and fruit than those men with low seminal quality," says one fertility doctor, so if you don't want inverior sperm, guys, make sure you nibble those melons: she'll love it.

The Air Sex World Championships - no, it doesn't have anything to do with blowup dolls - was launched last week. Far less an actial competition, it appears to be more of a roaming performance-art project, in which hapless locals are encouraged to hump the floor and mime ejaculation, for the entertainment of the audience. My response: go fuck somebody real, nerds! Expect, as the tour extends southwards, to see articles on obscenity and lewd performances, despite the clothedness of the fun.

You know how hot Asian chicks are always doing wierd shit with their hands in photos? It apparently has some sort of meaning, at least according to AsianPoses.com. I still don't completely get it, but the site has a shitload of pictures of really cute asian chicks (brought to you, of course, by really cute asians dot net) doing the various hand gestures, so it isn't all that bad. I'd do a "via", but I've seen this link on like a dozen sites in the past three days, so fuck you all, I'm stealing, and so are you.

Asylum, via Smoking Gun, found the Department of Homeland Security's "sex acronym" list. The problem? The list was missing a whole lot. Still, they both seem a bit behind: neither mentions having a BWA glean your Wheaties in exchange for a little Q on A, so to speak.

At long last, now when I upload dildo pictures all over the place at a Wiki, they won't keep getting deleted. Launched yesterday, Carnalpedia is a wiki for the porn set. Being a wiki, which is almost entirely user-created, there's not much of anything there at the moment. However, this is your chance: get your creepy fetish validated by creating a Carnalwiki page for it! Write glowing reviews about your favorite porn star, so anybody who says anything bad is thus the dissenter! Photos of your penis might, finally, actually be worthwhile to the webpage's content! This opens the doors for pretty much every creepy thing you do on the internet...and because it's a Wiki, now you're an authority on creepy internet sex acts!

In the Caribbean, there's a new dance craze called "daggering," in which sex is simulated in frantic, violent ways. That doesn't sound like a lot of fun in the first place, but people have tried taking it to the next logical step, daggering while naked in bed. Careful, sloppy daggerers: you're asking for a ruptured penis. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be done, but everybody's so afraid of dry humping that the media has banned broadcast of anybody daggering.

All this talk of sexual freedom and acknowledging ones own sexual identity is causing something unbelievable to happen: more women are admitting sexual attraction to their gal pals, and acting on it. Guys, this is the time everyone's been praying for: the world is being taken over by hot lesbians that are still sexually attracted to guys. Praise god, hallelujah! No, really, it's true: fucking Oprah says so!