Posts Tagged 'News'

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No More Mixed Doubles!

Alas, so many sports photographers will be losing a potential moneymaking source: an aspiring tennis star has decided her 34FF breasts are in the way, and is planning a breast-reduction surgery. Just think of all the mid-swing breast photos they could have sold! Don't believe me? The London Paper has provided a slideshow of the breasts in question, so you can see what assets she's dealing with on the court. To quote the website's comments: "your boobs are more precious than tennis". Someday, tennis will fall by the wayside, but her breasts will never leave her.

Beer: Manly, Fat!

Women in the U.K. aren't beer drinkers, because, in their words, it's manly, and it'll make you fat, to which Chicago women replied, "who da fuck is you calling fat, beeitch, and I need another Natty Lite o'er here!". Me, I don't drink beer because it tastes like ass and, well, ass-ass. Whiskey cokes are the way to go, men or women; make it a whiskey-diet if you're that worried you're drinking so much that it's your weight to be worried about, Mrs. I'm-OK-To-Drive.

Folsom Street Fair: Perverts!

The Folsom Street Fair, "the world's largest leather event", will be taking to the streets this September, subjecting the world to a culture of happy, self-aware people who tend to do things that the average person would find scary. As sort of a 'poke' at the average, nuclear family, Folsom's advertising for this year features an average, nuclear family...made up of an interracial conglomeration of hotties and beefcake, each decked out in a different genre of fetishwear.
Oh, boy, do the "Family Values" nerds not like being poked: It's homosexual! People are nude in public and nobody's stopping them! Perversion is perverse! "San Francisco also features a homosexual organization whose members dress up as nuns." Dear God, what is happening in the world?!? It is completely unacceptable that one of the more sex-friendy (with limitations, of course) religions, Catholicism, would be mocked by a sexual minority - hell, Catholicism should be embraced by the sexual subculture for recognizing sex is supposed to be fun. Christian evangelical politicos? They definitely need to be mocked. You see, it is completely impossible for a family to include both a black woman and a U.S. Marine and a guy with tattoo sleeves. Stifling religious control is required to imitate those social icons which represent the truth of American culture: imaginary families invented for television during the censorship of the Code years. When these religious types attend a leather fetish event, they do not deserve to be offended so. Remember, everyone: family values are designed to exclude and punish those with differing worldviews than this imaginary construct of an appropriate family: without guilt, how else would people know that getting kinky at an approved, sanctioned kink event was wrong?

Disclose Your Count!

Nerve answers the question: how do you disclose your sexual history without looking slutty? I find this amusing, due to the fact, as Gracie's partner, looking at her history as an escort is like putting a quarter in a videogame where the highest score is ten million points more than my best game. "*sigh* oh, well, playing it is still fun..." Anyhow, the general answer: if she wants to know, tell her.

NOOO!!! Erotic Services Gone!

In order to appease the Attorneys General (Attorney Generals? Attorney's Generals? Attoney Goobles?) of various states, Craigslist is going to drop the free-for-all "Erotic Services" adspace, creating an employee-reviewed "Adult" category which, in theory, should catch those advertisers offering illegal things. Now where will I find my cheap tranny hookers? Prices are going to start going up now that advertising is going to get more expensive to cover their tracks better. Hot tranny tracks. Anyhow, I suppose it's better to have a Craigslist without free-for-all escorts than to be without a way to buy back your stolen 4-track recorder that disappeared from your van at last week's gig.

Abstinence-Only = Over!

After nearly a decade of government support for abstinence-only programs, the Obama administration has cut support in the new budget. It's a rough economy, you know, can't pay for every dumbass program the government has created! Most of the $300 million sex-related budget goes to programs proven to delay sexual intercourse and promote pregnancy and disease prevention, which at least accepts the fact that a huge chunk of the population is going to lose their virginity in their teens, no matter what the President has to say about it. Don't worry, overreacting parents: your church will be more than happy to fill your kids' heads with abstinence-only teachings - it'll still work as well as it ever had.

Never Met A Gay!

An awesome quote from the time of the Supreme Court decision legalizing homosexual acts:
"I don't believe I've ever met a homosexual", [Justice] Powell replied. Chinnis said that seemed unlikely. Later the same day, Powell came back to Chinnis and asked, "Why don't homosexuals have sex with women?" "Justice Powell," he replied, "a gay man cannot have an erection to perform intercourse with a woman." The conversation was especially bizarre not just because of its explicit nature but because Chinnis himself was gay...

This is why, people, you don't want others to make decisions about your private life - that is, unless they know the right person to ask about the rights and wrongs of it. There's probably somebody, within arm's reach, who can give you the other side...and if not, you lead a sheltered life and should not be deciding for the rest of your society what is morally just and responsible.

Priest: I Had Sex!

Father Cutié, or as I prefer to call him, "Daddy Cutie", has been sticking his dick where the Pope wishes it wouldn't go. The charismatic priest, who had been photographed "frolicking" on the beach with an attractive woman, has admitted that he has been fucking her, too. It's not a casual relationship, and he may one day marry the woman, but that pesky vow of celibacy has gotten him removed from his duties. Hey, Cutie: there's non-Catholic religious leaders who can fuck all they want - don't let the Pope fool you, because it's all the same god. Like I've said before: don't fool yourself that you can slip one by on your church; find one that fits you better. I haven't been following Cutie that much, but he seems to embody the more tolerant aspects of Catholicism; I hope he gives some of that to an Evangelical branch, they need something to water down the crazy.

Miss CA: Topless Model!

Ah, social conservatives: you never realize just how much of your happiness is provided by loose morals and social progressivism. Case in point: Miss California Carrie Prejean, who had said, during her question-and-answer, that she thinks marriage is only for men and women, and later that she would do her best to protect "traditional marriage" (from what, we do not know), has been discovered to have posed topless for a photographer. Ms. Prejean, don't you understand that those sorts of photos are considered pornography by your fellow conservatives? She believes that it's a 'gay conspiracy' to discredit her, without realizing the real source: the rules against nude photos, as outlined in her contract, are established by social conservatives who want to promote the veneer of proper respectibility that comes with being a Miss Someplace. Me, I know a Miss California has no real influence on the world, and I got no problem with women posing nude, so she's really off base if she thinks progressives or liberals are manipulating her history. Her history is unaccaptable by social and moral conservative standards, and if those are the rules she lives by, she needs to pay the piper - hell, Prejean didn't even tell anybody about the photos when she should have. If there's one thing Conservatives know, is you can't have things both ways, Ms. Prejean. "Oh, you homosexuals, you don't live up to my expectations of what is proper in society, so I want to take away your ability to get married - but - no, my partial-nudity is getting my Miss California title taken away?!? What gives you the right?!!" When I step up to the counter, I'll order a large Schadenfreude, with a side of Ironic Justice, please! I wonder if, when her title is taken away, California will reposess the breasts they bought for her. Strip her of her title, her value, her new-and-improved body, oh Conservative powers: make her an example of how you build up a shiny, pretty exterior, only to destroy it when it shows any flaw under your unreasonable expectations.

Beer Pong: Deadly!

Be careful when playing beer pong: it could turn out deadly. I am shocked - shocked! - that drinking may have been involved; I'm not shocked, however, that a bedazzler or grommet pliers was, as you will note in the mugshot below. Beerponging with Mr. PotatoHead there is just asking to get a cap in your ass:

Don't Make My Pigs Sick!

Yeah, you've stopped eating ham sandwiches and sleeping next to your Miss Piggy stuffed animal (who doesn't?) out of fear of catching the swine's flu, but you're not the one who should be worried: the high-density, high-volume swine farms in the U.S. could get hit hard if somebody coughs on their pigs. Wait - pigs can catch swine flu too? Yeah, right Lisa. They must be some wonderful, magical animal.

Chuck E Cheese = Pervert!

Who knew a giant rat would be such a perv? A woman is suing Chuck E Cheese because a guy dressed as the titular mascot grabbed her boob. Well, actually, they are suing because they have a picture in which it looks like he is grabbing her boob, which is about the same in a boob-owner's eyes. Costumed characters get accused of this from time to time, without much understanding that it is difficult to either see or feel anything when wearing the costume. It may be better if performers in costumes just stood in one place and screamed, "DON'T COME NEAR ME - I MIGHT TOUCH YOU!" in the future.

Kim Kardashian: Role Model!

If you can't trust Sean Hannity, who can you trust? Hannity had noted boob-displayer Kim Kardashian on his show recently, and described her as a role model for young children. I believe he thought he was interviewing Kim Possible, and most of his questions revolved around naked mole rats. As far as conservatives go, Hannity seems to have slipped out one of their secrets: it's okay to be a porn star, as long as you don't drink, smoke, or do drugs. Yay, clean living nudity!

Facebook Boob Touch Redux!

If Facebook isn't ruining your political chances, it may be messing up your marriage plans. Posters on telephone poles in Italy are either advertising the most awesome band ever, or revealing the cheatings of some Italian rogue who didn't connect the dots that his friended fiancee will probably see the picture of him snuggling huge naked boobs that he posted to his Facebook account. If I were her, I wouldn't be pissed that he did it: I'd be relieved that I am no longer getting married to somebody so fucking stupid. Other signs that this article didn't happen in the U.S.: somebody is able to hang up thousands of R-rated images, in public, and she's the hero in the story. Stateside, she'd be in jail and reviled in the media for being a psycho bridezilla. Hooray, Italy! (via)

Politics and Sex: Bad!

Poor Ray Lam: this youngster tried to run for political office in his province, but he had to drop out because he was acting like every other fucking twenty-something idiot on Facebook, posting pictures of himself doing PG-rated clothed suggestive touching with, my guess is, political supporters. Yes, unprofessional, but the problem here aren't the expectations political behavior. It's the expectations of not looking like a horny idiot in public. Sure, he's gay, but what could possibly be the motivation to put photos of you touching a woman's breast online - so your coworkers at Best Buy can marvel at you, wondering how you could be so awesome as to actually having touched a breast in your life? Dude, you're on Facebook, you're not that cool.

Catholics: Molest, Not Repress!

Cosmo has cause some hoopla: in their sex advice column, they dared suggest that parental and religious repression during childhood could have caused a woman to be sexually repressed. The article specifically accuses Catholic-school nuns of furthering the case for sexual repression aside from procreation, which is a reasonable accusation, though not Cosmopolitan's only comment. The Catholic League, being known for their progressive, tolerant stance worthy of Jesus' behavior, has lashed out at Cosmo, saying - and this is the quote in the article - "It would never occur to Beland that a woman who is sexually repressed might have been molested growing up". Ah, Catholics: if there's anything they know well, it's sexually-molested children. He then flips the discussion and says, what about having to undo damage caused by years of exposure to Jewish-school teachers or overly liberal parents? Answer: There's no damage to do there; that's a kid with an awesome childhood.

Paddy Pantsdown!

A new children's book has been released: More Sexual Secrets in the Life of Paddy Pantsdown, a sequel to "Sexual Secrets in the Life of Paddy Pantsdown," which earned a Peabody and the Caldecott Medal in 1991. In this story, which builds on the previous book's story of Pantsdown's affair with his secretary, we learn more of Pantsdown's earlier sexcapades. In the new book, rapscallion Pantsdown finds he needs help with his mathematics homework, and gets sent to a tutor. Using color illustrations and a limited vocabulary on par with Dr. Seuss, the story of Paddy Pantsdown recalls how the tutor initiated a sexual relationship with Pantsdown, thus proving that UK newspapers are fucking twee when it comes to cute headlines and nicknames for scandalous politicians, and when somebody who was in a scandal nearly twenty years ago writes a biography, only the sex parts of the book are worth writing about.

Stuffy Nose? Wank Off!

According to a new study, masturbation helps nasal congestion. Yes, it was released on April 1st, but the journal references aren't April Fool's related, so it's just a wacky coincidence that such a weird story would come out on a day when weird stories are usually ignored. That may be why this amazing solution to so much discomfort would be ignored: scientists, from now on, avoid the "masturbation cures X" stories until later in the year; people won't believe you!

Sex Offender Bites Off Penis!

Talk about a super power used for evil: A man has managed to bite off his own penis, which would mean he was flexible enough to get it in his mouth, but biting down is not what most men would do if they had such a talent, if you know what I mean. If only he had used his powers for good...

Same Sex Kiss Day!

Go ahead, smooch somebody with the same genitalia as you - it's Same Sex Kiss Day! Understandably, most men would rather watch girls kiss than catch The Gay from kissing another guy, but, Jesus Christ, guys, it's as hot for women to see you kiss some guy with 5-oclock-shadow as it is for you to watch babes snog. You might get a foursome out of it, and if he's not The Gay either, there should be no worries about being expected to blow some guy; it's not "Same Sex Blowjob Day", that's in October, I think.

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