Posts Tagged 'News'

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ValMidwest Loves Jesus!

Online porn gal ValMidwest gained a very specific set of followers when she started her adult business: her ex-classmates at Catholic school. Now, I'd totally expect Catholic students to pay through the nose to watch porn and feel bad afterwards, but all they really wanted to do was bully Val into feeling bad about herself.

Seriously, Christians -- is that how you live your lives? Judging others and being dicks about it? So, Val responded by being unChristian herself, and tresspassed at her old school to do naughty things to a crucifix. Of course, the so-called Christians didn't like that, but at least they're being more Christian about it by just praying instead. You do that, Jesus jerkoffs, and in the future just pray for people's souls instead of harrassing them. The world will be a better place, and wouldn't Jesus want that?


No Google Glass Porn!

After MiKandi released their porn app for Google Glass, the powers-that-be at Google quietly rewrote their TOS to exclude adult content from Google Glass applications. For being the "cool" kid, Google is being just as lame as Apple when it comes to adult content. C'mon, Google, don't be that guy.

Anyhow, MiKandi now has to trash all their hard work and come up with an app with fewer boobs. Like it's even worth the effort. If you can't carry around douchey electronics and watch porn in public, I don't know why I'd even buy technology at all.

Motherfucking Steak!

I don't even have a category for food, but I spent enough time reading the truth held within so I figured I better pass it on. This is how to cook a mutherfucking steak. I have to admit, I'm bad at leaving the steak out before cooking and naughty for buying cheap cuts, but other than that I think I've finally, after way too many years of overcooked eye of round, now do a pretty damn good steak.


Shower Fucking Best!

The website did a poll and found that - surprise! - people fuck in the bathroom a lot. Who new a bathroom-sourced poll would have such bathroomy results? Anyhow, fuck yeah, boning in the shower is obviously just about as awesome as in bed. I mean, duh, I'm almost offended that anyone even had to ask the question, let alone British plumbers.


David Lee Roth's Pricey Penis!

It has come to my attention that David Lee Roth's penis has been insured against loss or damage. I suspect that, since insurance rates are based on risk, this cost David Lee Roth a shitload of money. I mean, it's like building a house in a floodplain: David Lee Roth's penis was guaranteed to go many, many places that a more self-protecting penis was unlikely to go. It's amazing he still has one at all.


Laptop Thief Likes BBWs!

Why do laptop thieves not think every laptop has this? A man was mugged and was robbed of his laptop and credit card. What does the thief do? Uses the laptop to buy porn on the credit card. The problem is that, like most everyone who carries their laptop around, the computer has camera software that tracks and photographs the thief when compromised. Thanks to this marvel of modern technology, we all get to watch some beefy dude masturbate to BBW porn. So, really, most afternoons for me; I really should move that mirror.


Women Pornographers!

Of course, the pornography industry would be nowhere without the participation of women, but that interaction has traditionally been seen as exploitative at best and abusive at worst. Of course - as is anything which delves so deep into the lizard-brains of humans - is a much more complicated relationship than even one person can keep track of in their lives. The book After Pornified by Anne Sabo PhD discusses not just her study of pornography, but also the interaction with her life and how it has colored others' opinions of her for even the slightest association. You can read an excerpt from the book here, and find more out about the doctor at her own blog.

Photo is from an article on Petra Joy's work, and see also this past weekend's Feminist Porn Conference.

Sex Cereal!

Wonder why you're not fucking with as much fervor as you have before? Feel like something's missing in the bedroom? No, it's not you -- it's your fucking breakfast cereal. Fruity Pebbles ain't cutting it mister: you need to step it up by eating Sex Cereal. Wait, what? Ten bucks a pack? Fuck that, if I'm rich enough to afford that for breakfast, women will be throwing themselves at me anyway. Plus, my doctor makes me eat some box of sticks and gravel because of my cholesterol. A sex-enhancing cereal would probably give me a heart attack.

Steak and a BJ!

Well, here we are again: one month after the one day of the year your girl is guaranteed all the romancing she wants, the boy gets all the romancing he wants on Steak and a BJ Day. Because, I mean, guys, on Valentine's Day you had to suffer the indignation of eating at a nice restaurant with your lover, then went back and fucked in your bedroom -- don't you deserve more? Like Valentine's Day, Steak and a BJ Day is lusted over by the single members of your gender because the feel they deserve to be showered with the selfish parts of the holiday. Those in relationships who properly celebrate the day are doing so out of their own mutual enjoyment. So, single people: stop fetishising a single day of the year because you feel you deserve something people lavishly write about on the internet. Everyone in relationships: if you're longing for one day a year to experience romance and sex, you're fucking wrong. Steaks and blowjobs come to those who deserve them, not because Google Calendar dinged on your phone. Today's holiday, like Valentine's Day, is merely here to remind you what you should be doing the rest of the year to show your fondness for the opposite sex, not the other way around.

Image via.

Girls Gone Wild Gone!

It couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. After a few years of accusations of Joe Francis' douchebaggery have quieted down a bit, things have caught up with him: due to the overwhelmingly destructive judgments and lawsuits against Francis and his company, Girls Gone Wild has gone into bankruptcy to shield assets from his debtors. In the beginning it was all about Joe Francis, but what the brand needs now is some business savvy that doesn't rely on late-night ads or bad publicity; bring in a real business to run things, even Hustler brands for cripes' sakes, and bring it back into prime territory. If there's a brand designed for the internet world, it's Girls Gone Wild, and the fact that they went with a fucking magazine - a non-nude magazine a'la the constantly-struggling Maxim, which makes no sense - shows they're not really getting it. Bankruptcy is a time to make these sorts of drastic changes, toss Francis out, bring back consequence-free teen boobs.

Erotica Lady Is Old Guy!

After 21 years of successful writing, Jessica Blair has retired - because somebody discovered she's actually an octegenerian World War II vet from England. Bill Spence didn't only publish as Jessica, but it might be more surprising that the guy from Great Britain also wrote Westerns; I'd bet he's more familiar with romance than the Wild West, so the pen name doesn't mean much. If he can pretend he knows about cattle drives and sixguns, I think he's more than qualified to write about sexytime and put a lady's name on it. That's how fiction works, doesn't it?


Fake Facebook Babe!

More entrepreneurial spirit: this website will not actually get you laid, but it'll make your Facebook page look like you're getting some. For $40, they'll violate all sorts of Facebook terms of service and be your fake girlfriend for a certain amount of time. Better make sure it's only for a short time, though: drag it out too long and your Mom will insist "Becky" come along to watch fireworks at the 4th of July, and that'd be an uncomfortable conversation, you know. Well, depending on how deep your pockets are: for the right amount of money, you can get a "Becky" to be both a Facebook girlfriend and a sometimes lover. It all hinges on your budget, buddy.


Don't Forget to Kegel!

I think I've mentioned it here before, but Cosmo has reminded me that guys can and should do kegels too, but rather than clicking Cosmo's stupid slideshow, go to the only slightly less annoying WebMD instructions on practicing your kegels. WebMD points out their incontinence-remedying benefit, but they're good for orgasm control and just general health down-there. It's actually sort of a game to practice while you're peeing, like you've got anything better to do. Rather than just peeing, do morse code, then stop and hold it a bit. I can hold it long enough to walk in a little circle in front of the urinal. Seriously. Don't worry about marathon kegel control just yet: if you can't even stop yourself while peeing, that's not a good sign to begin with. Start small, and your penis will love you for many more reasons than pee games.

Porn Starlets Centered!

A new study took a look at the mental wellbeing of female pornstars and found that, not only weren't they all "damaged goods" with a history of sex abuse and mental illness, they are actually well-balanced, spiritual women with a handle on their lives. I'm sure there's some stragglers on the outer edge of the bell curve - conservative arguments love to show those as examples of the whole - but it's nice to hear that it's studied and documented, not just assumptions made. The drug use statistic is a little unpleasant, but compare to sex objects in other industries - film, music - and you're likely to find similar numbers...or so I assume - statisticians, get on it! The full study is here if you're cool enough to have journal access.

Win Lingerie From Slip!

My good friend Slip over at A Slip of A Girl is hosting a contest in which you can win some lingerie. Go enter, and see what sorts of stuff Slip has to say about lingerie, she has a brain full of good info on the subject.

Unfurl Your Flag!

Happy Veteran's Day everyone! As a public service announcement, here's some useful information on how to unfold a U.S. flag. God Bless America!

Fuck Yeah Obama!

Here's to all of you who voted for Obama yesterday! Granted, he's not as far Left as this country needs, but he's a hell of a lot better than the alternative. It extends down to Congress, too, getting things back on track. Since Obama's election we've had four years of increases in economic growth, home prices, unemployment has dropped, and things have been moving in the right direction. Nothing has been more maddening than the amount of "America Sucks!" that has been filling the campaign ads. If you've been in Congress over recent years, take credit for the successes, stop saying you and your fellow incumbents have been fucking it up.

By the way: BOOBS!


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