Posts Tagged 'News'

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Beware: Pubic Sunburn

With the shrinking amount of fabric in today's bikini bottoms, more women are getting sunburned in the, ahem, 'pubic area'. For a part of the body that rarely sees the light of day, exposing it to the full brunt of the sun's rays is going to be a painful experience. I humbly volunteer to put sunscreen on any person I find with partially-exposed pubic areas; it's my duty as an American and a man to protect my fellow citizen!

City Buys, Closes Strip Club

Lavonia, Georgia, bought a strip club, but not to expand its income base. The strip club was bought in order to close it down, as the last grandfathered-in stronghold against the town's anti-adult-business laws. "Those billboards did more damage to the community than the club did," says the city manager. Dude, if an unwanted strip club is the town's major industry and attraction, you're not doing very well as a city manager. Small towns die because they fail to recognize their town's profit and assets, or fail to replace it with a reasonable income source when the previous market dwindles. Shutting down a profitable business in a small town on moral grounds is a stupid move all around. But, I suppose when Lavonia went to scho! ol, all it's buddies from down the road made fun of it for being 'stripper town,' and it so hurt the small town's feelings that they had to get that mole removed to look prettier.

Double Arm Transplant

Doctors in Germany have done a double-arm transplant. A farmer had both arms ripped off in an accident, but was lucky enough to have a 'donor' pass away nearby. I really hope both men were approximately the same height -- it would really suck to get transplanted limbs too short to tie your shoes.

Lion's Den Porn Protests

The Lion's Den adult store has some protesters, who've decided to shame the customers by photographing them and putting their pictures online. Unsurprisingly, they're getting a lot of middle fingers from their photo subjects, and I'd imagine that media-whores who want to draw attention to their porn purchases will start showing up any day now. The Explorers have a nice roundup, with links all around.

National Orgasm Day!

It's National Orgasm Day, and even though it's only 3:45 in the afternoon I've already had 186 orgasms. I'm drinking lots of water, and I'm under the supervision of a trained physician, so I should be OK. Sure, the effort is starting to wear me down, but I'm pretty sure I can hit my goal of 300 orgasms by midnight tonight.

Sexist Male Drivers

Top Gear checked with Australian men and found that most have bad views of women drivers, even though men drivers have accidents more frequently. While I could make all kinds of jokes about women drivers, I'd be better off pointing out that there's definite adverse selection by querying only men who read magazines about high-performance cars.

Sexy, Superhero Barbie

What do you get when you dress Barbie up like a hot superhero? Moral outrage! Barbie's never been known as the mousey, unattractive type, and female superheros were largely added to attract girl readers -- and they're saying that these types of female imagry have been OK for boys to see for the past fifty years? Barbie can't get a break. Portray her as a vacuous fashion model: outrage. Portray her as a self-confident defender of truth and justice, stronger than a normal man: outrage. I'll bet you seventy-five cents that "PTA Post-Breast-Reduction WASP Barbie With Sensible Pant-Suit" would generate just as much outrage.

Calling Gals 'Guys'

The Chicago Tribune has an article on calling any group of humans "guys", even if there's ladies in the midst. I'm guilty of it, and I'm not sure it's that big of a deal, but I'm not sure women have thought the alternative through. isn't the opposite of "guys" "girls"? Informal terms for women have tended to be demeaning by modern standards: dolls, chicks, babes, girls; 'ladies' is pretty good, but I think the point is to remove gender from it altogether. Gender neutral isn't something English does well, unless we start using "y'all" *shudder*

Kid Turns In Forgery Mom

See, this is why you shouldn't instill children with a sense of right and wrong...well, if you make a living breaking the law, that is. A 10-year-old kid turned in his mom for forging money and ID cards. She posted bail shortly after being arrested; I hope the sheriff had a plan to protect the kid -- that'd be the worst grounding ever.

Nude, Drunk, And Impaled

No, it's not how my girlfriend spent last night (hey-o!) Combine a drunk male sunbather, copious alcohol, peeing whereever's convenient, and a strategically placed iron spike, and you're likely to end up with an embarrassing non-life-threatening impalement.

Getting A Gal

Want to get a gal of your very own, instead of these online nudie chicks you see around here? It's not hard, according to this guy, who just wrote a book after being a relationship blogger for some time.

Sam De Brito's 10 tips for attracting a woman

1. Stay healthy
2. Don't abuse alcohol or drugs
3. Have a job that means something to you
4. Be busy with your own activities
5. Be well groomed and clean
6. Have a sense of humour
7. Talk to women as individuals, not as a gender
8. Be a gentleman
9. Don't hang out with "loser" friends
10. Have a clean bedroom, clean sheets - and a lamp to create romantic lighting

They're all pretty good, but that #9 bothers me -- what if the guy is the loser friend? Is he shit out of luck, or does he need to find less cool friends? However, in the end, I can sum up the 10-step list in three words: give a damn.

Panties of a Queen

No, nobody sexy -- the 50-inch-waisted bloomers of Queen Victoria found their way into an auction and sold for thousands of dollars. Infamous for her disinterest in sex, I doubt anybody ever really got a good look at these before the internet plastered them all over the world. While the Queen wasn't that hot, don't fret: check out the model wearing the knickers in the auctioneer's file photo.

More Than Missionary

Those who are criticising me are those for whom sex is only done in the classic missionary position. But that's not the only way to do it and those who criticise my personal affairs have no right to do so, says Max Mosley, head of Formula One Racing -- an excellent sentiment, which continues to point out that homosexuality and transvestitism was once illegal, so anyone who would judge Max for a five-prostitute bondage romp is unreasonable. Oh, except for his wife, that is. In case, like me, you're wondering how easy it is to get five BDSM prostitutes together at once, the ladies has more incentive than just a grand apiece; News Of The World (who 'broke' the story) worked out a deal with the prostitutes to give NOTW a video of the events for a ,000 priceta. Who ever heard of a tabloid overblowing a sex story, exaggerating Nazi imagery (and is somehow offended that anybody in 1930s Germany supported Hitler), and then disclose what was assumed to be a private event in great detail to the public? The courts, showing a pleasant inclusion of smarts, says Mosley had every right to privacy, and public morals don't extend to private events.

Rocketeer, He Ain't

A New Zealander has come up with a working "jetpack" -- which is neither backpack-sized nor actually 'jet' in the true sense -- showing off its hovering and flying ability at a Wisconsin air show. In true form, most nerds complain that it's not small enough, not powerful enough, nor Buck-Rogers enough, but I'd like to see any of them turn down a ride in the thing.

World Orgasm Record!

Sex Machines Australia now claims the world record for fully-clothed non-hypnotized orgasms (although I'd like to know who does hold the world record for nude hypnotized orgasms). Their booth at the Australian Sexpo seems to be popular with the ladies, so long as they're willing to lend their clit to a sex-machine's advertising campaign.

Men: Older And Happier

Good news for guys on the higher side of his 30s like me: as we age we tend to think we've achieved our life-goals, moreso than women. Note "think" in that sentence: I'm not sure it has anything to do with actual goals, other than deciding that we're happier with where we are at the time. That 'cup-half-full' attitude has quite a bit to do with being in a relationship, although women don't quite get to that point like men. Women however, are happier when they're independent and young. ;

Spontaneous Condom Shopping

What do you do when a pack of condoms appears on your customer loyalty card statement? No, don't assume it's a mistake -- go nuts on your beau and threaten to leave him even though he insists he's not cheating. Oh, then ask your mom if she used the card for condoms. Such a loving, trusting relationship; they'll be together forever I'm sure. As for the condoms: apparently it's possible to 'accidentally' key in an embarrassing product on several customer's purchases before anybody notices. The anarchy resulting from obsessive-compulsive statement readers makes me want to print out random-number customer loyalty cards and go condom-nuts down at Byerly's.

Good God, Put Down The Makeup

Apparently, there's a niche and need for "men's makeup". Dave Navarro and Marilyn Manson are about the only two guys who can pull it off, and that's because either one of them can kick your fuckin' ass twice before you hit the ground. The rest of you guys? Put down the mascara, have a whiskey coke, watch a movie about racecars or outer space, and then you can have your man-card back. Christ, if you're objective is to look more feminine than your girlfriend, you're missing the point.

Soy = Fewer Swimmers

A half serving of soy a day reduces sperm counts, even causing infertility. Now, I'll admit I don't mind tofu when it's prepared right, but a nice tri-tip steak will always kick soy's ass when it comes to my protien cravings. It seems that soy is girly to begin with -- it has estrogen-increasing properties -- so this gives guys a perfect way to deal with their hot vegetarian girlfriends: "Honey, you know what soy does to my little troopers..." Let the gals get the estrogen boost, and you order a California burger; your sperm will love you for it.

Super Penis Power!!!

An artist in Madrid is making sure nobody mocks his manly 'size' by projecting an enlarged image of his penis onto buildings around the Almudena Cathedral. Some guys buy Maseratis, some guys buy a 10-gauge shotgun, others just start fucking college girls who don't know any better. This artist, my friends, is calling male enhancement "art". Enzyte Bob would be proud.

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