Posts Tagged 'News'

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Hitler: Slob!

Poor, poor maligned Hitler. He's never going to live down the genocide he inflicted, but now Fox News is hitting below the belt. Hitler had horrible table manners, according to a secret Nazi file recently uncovered. He ate little for dinner, gorged on his dessert, ignored his meal-mates, and (and I'm reading in to this) used the salad fork instead of his entree fork most of the time. Dear God, this man is a monster! It also verifies a fact that's been tossed around for years: Hitler was a vegetarian. Weigh that next time you consider the moral implications of buying a leather coat.

Cop At Stripclub = Bad!

Sure, I'd get in trouble for stopping in at the strip-club while I'm supposed to be doing my rounds, but is it just "public relations" if a cop stops by? His bosses don't think so, but I'd like to think that it's not the 'stopping by' part that's the problem. If he stopped in an average bar, without drinking or screwing around, I bet he'd be fine. If he stops in at the grocery store to keep an eye out for criminals, no problem. Naked boobies? That's a suspendin'.

Sex = Free Rent!

Australia is all abuzz over classified ads offering free rent in exchange for being a sex partner. Me, I roll my eyes over it; the ads are just the manifestation of a Penthouse Letters story, a male fantasy that's unlikely to play out the way they want it to. The women who may truly be that desperate for a place to live won't exactly be the attractive, healthy, cooperative nymphs the horny renters are looking for. They fail to realize that guaranteed sex - even the disease-ridden, emotionally-scarring kind of sex - usually costs much more than a couple hundred bucks of rent each month, and they're going to get what they're paying for.

Naked Cops + Guns!

It's the premise for the awesomest gay website ever, but it's the kind of story that gets police busted down to a desk job. Swedish cops, normally accustomed to being appreciated for their nudity, were demoted for showing off their AUGs in nude pics taken while celebrating the end of training. The report says a male stripper was also in attendance - and you doubted by best-gay-website-ever declaration!

Teens: Porn Lightweights!

A new study shows that teens look at an average of 87 hours of online porn a year: that works out to about 15 minutes a day, every day. I agree that it's wise to start out slow, but, man, they've got a long way to go to catch up with their adult counterparts - by my estimate, the average adult watches 87 hours of online porn a day, or something like that. It's a lot. My sampling may be off, though. The other chunks of teens' online time are devoted to looking at weight loss and personal improvement sites -- and, of course, the article has to swing into the "every stranger on the internet is a pedophile predator", which will only make Mom ban Face! book from her computer, which frees up a teen's time for more online porn, which Mom will blame on Dad. Everybody wins!

Porn Dolls At Publix: Bad!

Nobody's complaining about you having a Real Doll; nobody's complaining about you having sex with the doll; nobody cares where you shop - but if you try and combine the three, people are going to take issue with molesting your sex-dolls in the grocery store parking lot. Police, of course, were called.

Sex = Happy Women!

Studies show that women who are healthy and happy have better sex. Aw, and all this time I thought women with low sex drives were just bitches! The sad thing is, that last statement may be sarcastic from me, but a lot of people believe it, including the low-sex gals. Health, fitness, and emotional well-being are, not surprisingly, tied to sex, because, well, it turns out that women aren't completely disconnected from their sex parts like the robots they're treated as. Oh, wait: the 'study' was sponsored by Proctor and Gamble, because they intend to medicate this "HSDD". So, expect a re-labeled antidepressant/pain-killer/hormone-treatment in the near future, designed to treat your "low sex drive" instead of your actual health issues, that ! your insurance won't cover because there's no generic alternative and because it's sex-related it's not important. Thank god modern medicine wants to help unhappy, sickly women have better sex!

Dad Paints Daughter Nude!

Asylum wants to know: is it creepy for a dad to use his daughter as a nude model? My answer: no, not really: is he having sex with her? Is this some erotic fantasy of his? That would be inappropriate. Appreciating the nude form, as exemplified by his daughter? Not a problem. We westerners get weird when sex and parenting get involved, and this seems so blatantly sexual that we get the creeps. It's sexual for us, not necessarily him. I love the comments from the connected news article: If Li Zhuangping was simply focused on exploiting his attractive offspri! ng, he wouldn't have also painted the tiger nude. Dad's not a tiger, he's not viewing the painting with lust in his eyes. I'm the tiger with a lusty gaze, but that doesn't mean everyone looks upon the painting with the same zeal as a horny tiger.

Canada: Pole Dancing Olympics!

Ah, Canada: you may not be orgasming much, but at least you're doing something right. A proprietor in Canada is pushing to get her sport added to the Olympics: pole dancing. As proof that her skills are entirely athletic, she cites the existence of the European Pole Dancing Championships to show that - wait - back the fuck up there - there's a Pole Dancing Championship? Fuck the Olympics: let's expand that to take a week of NBC's broadcast time for everybody to watch! Who cares about archery when there's pole dancing!?

Erotica Lawyer: Fired!

Oh, well, it was bound to happen: the lawyer who wrote uninspiring, boring prose about sexual escapades in Russia has finally been fired. On one hand, I say, "well, she wrote it under her real name, and went to the press about it, etc., so she drew attention to her employer in it", but if the world was a good place, a person's private life shouldn't matter when it comes to matters of employment. Sadly, in today's world, your entire life and lifestyle are owned by your employer, and just doing a good job isn't enough to keep a job. So, those of you like me, keep up your aliases, continue to express yours! elf, and maybe your employer won't get the chance to go all asshole on you for your hobbies.

The War On Sex

Red Pepper has an adequate, if short, article on Christianity's War on Sex - pointing out something that a lot of sources seem to ignore. The Christian sexuality network is far from anti-sex; they're pro-sex, but twisting it in a way to make their goals towards control achieved. Institutional control over people's bodies swings many ways, they point out the Nazi manipulation of sexuality, and I'll include Italy's "conceive babies to build an army" push during fascism: sex is sex, unless you let someone control it for you...then it becomes something nasty.

Pole Dancing: Win!

In an amazing turn of events, a business in which women are fully clothed and no men watch has been determined not an adult business. "Oh My Your Gorgeous", a pole-dancing school, was prevented from getting a business permit because they were considered an adult business by the local magistrates. Lawsuits later, they have been awarded $75,000 for the city's stupidity. Let's see: that swimsuit shoppe down the street has the potential to cause me an erection, I bet they could use a hundred grand...or that cute chick at Hardee's who flirts with customers? Yeah, she's an adult business, too. And - my god - I tipped a cute waitress more than I usually would - that's downright adult!! All sorts of peripheral aspects of strip clubs abound - my town must be adult business central!

Money Still In Safe!

This is why I always check the pockets of used coats at thrift shops - somebody might've left money in them, like this German safe that some careless teller left some money in. Just a little money: Only 100,000 Euros, which is, what, $10 American? Oh, more like $130,000 American. Curse careless tellers and falling currency markets! The scrap-metal workers who discovered the errant currency did the right thing, though: they returned it to the bank, who had been missing it.

Testicles: Poisonous!

Who knew? Parts of the blowfish are poisonous, but they generally cut those portions out. That is, unless your creative chef serves the poisonous testicles to you as an appetizer - while I can't attest to Japanese sensibilities, not a single fucking word in the phrase "poisonous blowfish testicles" sounds remotely appetizing. The testicles were requested by the diners, who should not be surprised that they got exactly what they asked for.

THEN What Do I Have?!??

Crap - apparently, the disease known as "cello scrotum" doesn't actually exist; it was a April-Foolsy joke that continued to live on, as fake as a Prescott Pharmaceuticals side-effect. Well, I had to go to fifteen specialists before I got an accurate diagnosis, and now it's all a fake? Per the article: "You would have to be doing something fairly extreme to get that by playing the cello" - EXACTLY, but now I have no diagnosis? Does that mean I can't get any more prescriptions for the salve? Fuck.

God To Punish Palin!

In retaliation for Sarah Palin's attempt to prevent the God-ordained Barak Obama from attaining the position of President of the United States, God has announced plans to bury Anchorage with volcanic dust, thus preventing Palin from continuing her assault on fine American sensibilities. When questioned about his intent to publish John McCain, God pointed out that Arizona was already hell, and there wasn't much more he could do.

Queen's Guards Take No Shit

There's a tradition that the Buckingham Palace guards are completely unflappable, ignoring anything but a threat to the Queen. Well, if you're feeling like taunting one of them, you might want to know that one might just snap and kick your ass for being a dick, like this guard who was caught on tape giving an asshole what he had coming.

Blow-Up Doll Horror!

Police were called when somebody carried an inflated blow-up sex doll, out in the open, through town, where anybody could see it - won't somebody please think of the childr- oh, wait...she is a child, a high-school student who now runs the risk of being charged for exposing obscene materials in public, in an attempt to play a joke on a friend. Guess what - the joke's on you, little girl!

Mexican Kissing Cousins!

Not satisfied for one Mayor's declaration that his formerly-kissing-free town would now be the kissing-encouraged-capital, Mexico City has stepped up to retain its status as the greatest Mexican city ever. The city is asking couples to attend a huge kiss-in in Mexico City on Valentine's Day, with the intention of getting into the Guinness Book for the largest mass kiss. Boy, I bet that small-town mayor feels like an ass now, trying to upstage the kissing world for his own political gains...

COPA Dies!

The COPA, passed in 1998 as a way of making things tougher for online pornographers - but, of course, in the name of saving children - has died due to the Supreme Court rejecting any further hearing on the matter, after declaring the COPA exceeded its boundaries in affecting the freedom of speech and expression earlier last year. Hooray for internet porn!

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