Posts Tagged 'News'

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Sexuality Definitions!

Sexis wants to make sure you understand just how wrong those comments on 4chan are, by offering a nice, thorough, and concise description of the non-binary levels of human sexuality, particularly when actual sexuality is so disconnected from what's on the tin in so many cases. As a bonus, here's some prizewinning trans women for your entertainment:

Ethel Person Passes Away

Ethel Person, investigator of how fantasizes drive, motivate, and shape people, has passed away at age 77 from complications of Alzheimer's . Most recently she was known for giving general love advice to Oprah, but more importantly Person advocated that transvestitism and other "fetish" sexualities should not be looked at as illnesses, and saw them more complex than just a femininization of the male.

Library Bonus!

Usually what I find in library books are old Kleenexes, notes from some high school class, or bookmarks from said library, but the dude below found some boobs. Some guys have all the library luck.


Conservatives Support Porn!

Representative Jared Polis of Colorado has temporarily become my favorite person in the world. Towards the end of the debate over the horrible, horrible SOPA law, he introduced an amendment to the law which explicity excluded pornography from the SOPA. This created an odd dynamic: By excluding pornography from SOPA protection - when piracy is such a big problem in the adult industry - essentially goes the conservative route and causes hardship for porn. However, SOPA is designed to protect legal copyright holders, so by voting down the amendment means that Congress, essentially, has thrown their hat into the ring with pornographers. So, thank you, Republican Lamar Smith, for showing us that pornography is in your best interests. We always knew it anyway. Also, the Avenue Q song, "The Internet is for Porn", was used as evidence, and is now part of the congressional record. For as fucked up as the anti-piracy laws are, Polis has done a good job of turning the tables and showing the absurdity of it all.

Porn-Finding App!

There's an app for that, you know, and now there's apparently an app for finding porn. No, no, this isn't a new tiava or anything - this is a program that will scan the computer itself, so you can find his porn. Yes, guys, if your gal is that paranoid, she can, without a doubt, prove that you're looking at porn online. Other than the proof that you're a guy with an internet connection, which should be enough evidence of guilt in most countries. Guys, if you're dating somebody who's willing to PayPal $19.99 to see if there's porn on your computer, you might best just break up with them now.

But, wait, ladies: I'm not talking about cases of direct lying, such as having a clear and open conversation about how she feels about porn, lying about it, then looking at porn anyway. That's the asshole route, and you deserve her wrath when she finds your porn. I'm not willing to shell out twenty bucks to see how it works, but with everything on the 'cloud' today, I can't imagine it'll find much on most guys computers. If it checks cookies and network traffic to find connections to porn sites, well, I tip my hat to you, paranoid-program-maker, that's a step beyond what I'd have expected.

Abstinence Only: Fail!

What? Really? Abstinence-only sex-ed fails horribly wherever it is applied? I demand more evidence - my Jesus says that abstinence-only must work, so I require another five zillion studies from your so-called 'science' and 'logic' before I will believe you. It's not like Christians believe in a religion which includes an 'evil' character that spreads lies and misleads the faithful that would cause undue hardship to those who mistakenly do his bidding. I'm getting fucking sick of religious zealots. Your church shit doesn't fucking work, so stop pushing it on everyone. You can teach abstinence-only to your own kids, and then teach it to your grandkids when you're 36, loser. Then, go and praise God's will for sending you such a lovely life while you're stuck babysitting so your kid can take his finals. Or, on the other hand, start thinking about your choices, and teach your kids to do the same. Maybe things will turn out a bit more differently, and you can thank God for that, then.

Vodka Tampon: Fail!

In case you missed it, the urban legend that a vodka-soaked tampon can make a woman drunk is so totally, totally wrong. I could have told everybody that, with this quick example: let's see, men, what other mucous membranes can we try? How about, first you snort some vodka, and then we drip some in your eyes. Let's see if you stop screaming long enough for us to decide if you're drunk yet. Morons.

Hot For Teacher!

So, let's say you're a high school teacher, but you want to make a little money on the side by doing porn. Do you conceal your real-life vocation, or do you use school computers and play up your teacherhood to sell your pornographic websites? It should be no surprise that #2 got a Stockton, Calif. teacher caught for doing just that...with a little help from a police officer. No, the other way around: she got website help from the police officer, she hasn't been arrested for anything. She is suspended from her job, of course, but when you market your websites talking about how your real-world teen male students think you're sexy, you're just asking to be taken down a notch.

Happy Armistice Day!

Stand at attention and salute, dammit! Make sure you know the difference - today is Veteran's Day, a day for everybody who's ever worn the uniform, so show some fucking respect. If it weren't for the US Military, we'd all have been Canadians since 1812. Aten-HUT!


Wank Machine!

Not content with men jacking off in small rooms, China has developed the cutting-edge technology for collecting semen samples in a controlled way: The wank machine. That's just what I'm calling it, I don't know what the official name is. You stick your dick into this space-age shaped thing, and - voila - it makes you cum. Oh, no, it's not naughty: this is a medical device, built to exacting specifications! I'm sure nobody will figure out how to make it a coin-operated machine to be found in truck stops and massage parlors. That would make too much fucking sense. Looking at the picture below, I wonder what all the knobs are for. The space-age shapes and the brushed aluminum knobs make it look like something from the liner notes of a Styx album. HOLY SHIT KID, DON'T STICK YOUR FINGER IN THERE!

No Divorce Nookie!

Sorry, Bostonians: if you're in the middle of a divorce, don't plan on fucking anybody at home. The new law prohibits two consenting people from having sex in the divorcee's home, under a "won't somebody think of the children!" motive. From what I understand, divorce turns people into assholes, so you can bet the only use for this law is for one side in the divorce to totally fuck up the other side's chances of having a reasonable and cooperative divorce. Seriously, if you could turn a cheating ex, even after you've broken up, in to the police for fucking somebody else, wouldn't you? Even better, the article cites that it is designed to "prevent domestic violence", because if you left your husband because he was a controlling, jealous abuser, he'd never call the cops to accuse you of fucking some other guy. Abusers totally become reasonable when you break up with them, right, ladies? It's sure a good thing our duly-elected politicians are working on the economy, isn't it.

Masturbation May!

WOOHOO - May is National Masturbation Month! It harkens back to the fateful moment when Surgeon General Elders made it sound like masturbation was OK, and was thus encouraged to resign. Stupid conservative fucks. We all know, as Elders does, that masturbation totally fucking rocks and doesn't seriously mess anything up. So go for it, masturbating masses, it's now your time to stand up and be counted as somebody who diddles themselves and enjoys the fuck out of it. Excelsior!

Date A Stripper!

As if it wasn't fucking obvious enough, DJ Mick wants y'all to date strippers. Whoever wrote this is kind of a dick, since they promote all the "Daddy Issues" and "Stripper = Crazy" bullshit, because the purpose of finding a girlfriend is to avoid all that. Crazy chicks with daddy issues do not inherently equal good sex and are found everywhere, so use your smarts when looking for a date. Find a stripper who's cool and then you get the best of both worlds. Then, her real boyfriend will probably kick your tit-obsessed ass to the curb, but, hey, at least you tried.

Sex Toy Party Fight!

Come on, now, ladies: is this really how to behave at a sex-toy party? The story starts outmoving in the oh-so-right direction - "As the party progressed a woman gave a demonstration of sex toys and women's lingerie while people continued drinking...", which is SUPPOSED to lead into a tale of astronomical orgyness, as Penthouse Letters has reliably taught me. Sadly, it devolved into a huge brawl, and nobody got to buy their overpriced Hoppin-Rabbit ripoff. Seriously, this was no reality-tv-housewives fight of hair-pulling and pulled slaps: one participant a woke up the next day lying in a vacant lot with a broken jaw. That's a hardcore fucking sex-toy home party right there.

Condom Disgust!

Jesus christ, lady, it's not that bad, is it? There comes a time in everybody's life to learn how to put on a condom, and just because you're a 2nd year college student doesn't make it too late. Just don't make that face when putting a rubber on a real human dick: he can see you. Oh, and pinching a hole in the tip with your fingernails will just get you pregnant, ahmjustsayin'.

Tax Domme!

Got your taxes in? It's the day! And who should you have called? Lori the Tax Domme, who helps sex workers get their maximum return. Think JacksonHewitt without the soul-crushing fees, but still willing to step on your balls for a while. If you didn't partake in her services this year, keep her in mind for next year. Gotta deduct whoopie cushions somehow. Via.

Wank Myths!

Masturbating is full of myths, which most people figure out by the time they're 15, but there's some virginal people who manage to convince themselves long into adulthood that selflove is a bad thing. Don't worry, though - at least you figured it out eventually. Just don't be one of those people who lies to themselves to justify it. Hypocracy will not be tolerated, people.

15-Minute Orgasm!

Hey, guys! Some guy who just wrote a book gave a woman a 15-minute orgasm, and Cosmo's certain that it'll work for every woman in the whole world. Now, sure, there's millenia of sexual experience in humans, and an enormous amount of research, both individual and institutional, into what causes or impedes a woman's orgasm and nobody has come up with the solution - but this guy finally figured it out. President Obama should give this guy a fucking medal for it, and then get the guy working on clean coal and world peace. (psst - don't anybody tell him about the Hitachi, he'll feel inadequate.)

Pole Dancing Fer Jesus!

Adding "For Jesus" makes everything pure. Everyday I go to work and do a good job...For Jesus! I shop at my local grocery store...For Jesus! My dog just took a huge dump in the yard...For Jesus! And, in Texas - home to the most liberal and progressive society known to man - the only way you're going to learn how to pole dance is to do it...For Jesus! The program, called "Pole Fitness for Jesus", is done on Sundays and is performed to Christian music and the teacher is keeping Kosher by not accepting payment on the Sabbath, so it's the purest fucking form of performed sexuality known to man. And if you have a problem with it - fuck you, the teacher says it's un-Christian to judge! So, ladies, grab that pole and think of God, you're doing Jesus' work.

Spiky Penis Evolution!

Ladies, thank your lucky fucking stars that evolution worked the way it did. SCIENCE! tells us that humans, like most primates and many mammals, would have spiky, barbed penises, except that we happily evolved beyond vaginal ripping. If you thought penises were oddly hairy enough as it is, you have no clue just how bad it could have been. In fact, we've evolved beyond any sharp, spiky hairs, including sensitive whiskers, which is why I'm always trying to stick my head into openings that are too small. Sure, my head gets stuck between the railings more often, but sex is far less brutal and bloody, so I guess you win some, you lose some.

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