Posts Tagged 'News'

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YouTube Porn Day, Motherfuckers!

4Chan, lover of all that is wholesome and pure on the internet, have decided to fuck up YouTube again with the first YouTube Porn Day of 2010, commencing today. Apparently, YouTube banned the account of some fat kid, and since 4Chan - and by extension, hacker non-group Anonymous - is almost completely made up of fat kids, they're going to retaliate by uploading all kinds of porn to the no-porn-allowing online video site. I suppose that porn is about the only thing they know, so it's like beating plowshares into swords to fight the King's soldiers for freedom, but instead 4Chan has hermaphrodites and women pooping. So, here's your chance: if you want to see the most fucked-up porn that's ever been on YouTube, get your searches going now - Google is going to be deleting as fast as they can, but if history has taught you anything, it's that jobless losers are faster at slinging shit on the internet than anybody else. Previously.

G-Spot: Myth!

I'm not trying to make it a "pick on women" day, but the news hasn't been good for female sexuality lately. Not only are you not thinking sexually, or eating sexually, now now they're taking your G-spot away. The last thing women want to hear, of course, is "Freud is wrong", but the mythical orgasm jackpot appears to be a myth. One positive note: slutty college students are more likely to say they've got one, so you're still in luck, guys: she still thinks your dick is the best way to reach an orgasm.

Women: Inconsistent!

Here's another difference between men and women: men's state of sexual arousal matches their brain and their body pretty well, while women's sexual response is less consistent between what the head and the crotch are doing. I'll have to admit, though, any guy who's got a boner but his brain isn't thinking sexy thoughts had better talk to his doctor, something ain't right. Women, on the other hand, need to do a bit more, er, "inner reflection" to know what's going on down there. I, for one, volunteer to help with the examination. Don't worry, you'll know exactly what I'm thinking.

Premature Ejection!

This is one of the greatest Christmas stories ever, and I picked this link because of its awesome headline: "After sex sting, AP governor Tiwari ejects prematurely". First of all, a political sex scandal isn't completely unusual, but add in that this was a FFFM foursome, you gotta congratulate the guy, and then add that they guy's an octogenarian, you'll want to hop on a plane just to shake his fucking hand. Sure, a politician shouldn't be cheating on his wife, but, jesus christ, give some respect where respect is due: the opportunity to have three naked women writhing on your body isn't something that's easily turned down. Just leave the video camera turned off, though.

No Joking!

Cosmo would like you to know what not to joke about with your guy. Penis size, his income, his mom - really, ladies, if you need to be told this stuff, you've either never had a male friend before, or you're a contestant on Tough Love. The list is also woefully incomplete: I'd like to add "don't joke about your boyfriend's sex dreams, in which they are having gay sex with male characters from TV shows." I mean, I hear people have gay sex dreams sometimes. It doesn't mean they're gay, it's just a dream they have. Somewhere, somebody. I don't know. STOP PRYING INTO MY PERSONAL LIFE. Anyways, yeah, those jokes are off limits, too.

Gay Marriage OK in Mexico!

The mayor of Mexico City is expected to sign a law which will legalize gay marriage in Mexico City. Here's a lesson to you, California, Maine, and whoever else has voted down gay marriage: Mexico City is more socially progressive than you. The capitol of one of the biggest Catholic countries is more open-minded than your bullshit. More and more the rest of the world proves that evangelical conservatism's circle of influence is so much smaller than they'd like you to believe. Still, this will prove to be an asset: what could be a better honeymoon than to travel someplace warm to get married; Iowa and DC aren't exactly the nicest places to go get married. Cheap tequila, sunny days, freedom for people to get married: Mexico is sounding nicer and nicer as the days go by.

Artistic Men: Happier!

Norway - a country touching the arctic circle and otherwise the most depressing place on the planet - has produced a study which shows artistic men are happier than their uncreative counterparts. Do you paint, partake in the opera, or write dirty limericks? Congratulations, you're less likely to be a depressed Norwegian than your lamer counterparts.

Gay Destroys Innocence!

People have drawn the line: teachers, don't you dare talk about loving relationships with your students! A teacher mentioned to her class that she was going to marry her lesbian partner, and thus stripped the innocence of every first-grade victim in the room. The act of sexual copulation is the complainers' argument, because sex shouldn't be taught until the Fifth Grade, because that's when kids ask about how babies are made(?!?) However, lesbians can't make babies with their sexual rubbing, so I don't see what the problem is; however, daddy putting his throbbing cock into mommy's cunt does, so the only option appears to be that men are to be forced to live apart from their wives until kids reach the fifth grade, at which time their marriage can be admitted to the world without stripping the innocence away from their children. The heterosexual sex implied by heterosexual marriage is, in fact, far more damaging than the homosexual sex implied by homosexual marriage, and, really - the implications of admitting your sexuality by marrying somebody is the most damaging social flaw we have today. Won't somebody please think of the children and end the perversion of marriage before it destroys any more innocence?

No Fornication!

In district 66 - a big-city, liberal-ass, Hamline-college-including district - here in Minnesota, the state senator is pushing her agenda: she wants to repeal a law that makes it illegal for women to have sex outside of marriage or to cheat on a husband. Those damn big-city Minnesotans and their progressive ways, promoting freedom for her constituents! Didn't she just see the statistics that how much harm premarital sex causes to Minnesota teens? Note that the law only focuses on women's sexuality, as an archaic relic of territory days, but what's good for 1840s Minnesota is good for 2010s Minnesota, so within a few hours all running water, sewage treatment, and electricity will be turned off for everybody except District 66 - but at least their women won't be having sex without permission from the church. Equality of the sexes is the goal of the presumably progressive, liberal Minnesota Family Council, who wants to push their policy of equality and fairness by adding men to the law. That sort of equality won't stand with the public: conservatives won't abide by men being controlled by morality laws; that's unheard of! So, at least given the Minnesota Family Council's obvious bid to get the law repealed, I'm sure the stupid morality law will go, and I can finally start fucking Gracie without pulling the drapes - we've been living in sin for 3 or 4 years, and any day now the cops are going to show up if this law stays on the books.

Gay Calendar!

What, you think you don't need a gay calendar? Up north and across the river in Grand Forks, ND, they've got a civil rights activist named Zack, who has fallen on hard times which has made it difficult for him to protest the conservative religious assholes who want to take freedoms away. So, buy a Zack calendar, and he'll get money from the sale, which will help him get back up on his feet protesting assholes again. Protesting assholes is such a worthy cause that you can deal with a 12-month gay calendar.

New Female Condom!

Hey, ladies: you know that uncomfortable, difficult female condom that's been out for a few years? There's a new and improved version out, just in time for all the World AIDS Day coverage to have sunk in a bit. The news talked a lot about how condom use is still a difficult hurdle, despite the fact that people are more likely to fuck if there's protection. Use condoms, fuck more, everybody's happy, and this new female condom looks like it'll definitely help.

Harvard Porn!

Harvard, the Booger of the ivy league colleges, has announced the return of their university porn magazine. "Diamond" includes not only nude women, but naked pictures of the male founder. If only Hef had introduced this feature to his magazines, Playboy would be a huge media empire today. Anyhow, the digital version is $9, the paper version is $30(?!?) which means that it'll be a collector's edition someday. Stock up now!

Porn = Pedicure!

You ladies think you need to leave the house and spend a hundred bucks to get pampered? Guys have figured out how to do it themselves: taking a timeout for a few minutes of porn and an orgasm is like a day spa wrapped in a few minutes. They repeat what I've been saying for a long time: masturbation is awesome, and is no threat to a sexual relationship. Being an asshole is, so don't be an asshole about masturbating, but if a guy has several orgasms in a day, and some of those include his partner, the world is a better place, even if his nails aren't done and he still has that knot in his back.


Holy shit, my dad was right: cut your sandwiches like triangles, not at a 90 degree angle. My mom used to always cut them across the middle, making two rectangles, while dad did it from corner to corner. Mom always looked at him with pity and distain: how could he do something so wrong? Dammit, woman, he was fucking right. I have new respect for my father - he was rarely in the kitchen, but he sure knew how to cut a sandwich.

Families to Avoid!

Why am I talking about thanksgiving? Because I missed Halloween and the awesome sexy costumes, and I'm spending today wanking in front of the computer, so you get blog posts about today instead. Anyhow, I'm avoiding my family, because they're only fun individually - put them in a room together and it's Advil and crying for everyone. As it should be, if I compare others' stories we're in the middle of the bell curve. TV is, of course, the best reference for how real life works, and Nerve has a list of the family types to avoid. Sure, they're crazy made-up-for-TV families - I mean, come on, eight babies and they haven't killed each other? - but use them at your discretion. By doing like me: watching every one of the families Nerve lists on the Tivo or Hulu and skip the family fun altogether.

Ruin Thanksgiving!

I'm sure you're about to head out the door to drive a couple hours to Grandma's house and see the family. Remind yourself: there's a reason you moved to an inaccessible-but-not-distant town - family sucks. I mean, it doesn't suck as much as someone running over your cat or being paralyzed but completely aware but nobody knows it or getting kicked in the balls, and family is good as long as nobody upsets the apple cart. If you absolutely, positively, must upset the apple cart, Guyism has the tips to get it done quickly and easily. Not that it's too hard to begin with, but efficiency is the way to get yourself home in time to watch football without Screamy Uncle Matt rooting for the wrong team.

Coed Dorms = Vice!

Hey, it turns out that the more that the young sexes spend time together, the more likely they're going to have sex, drink, and otherwise do all the things mom and dad said not to do. My outrage is this: where were co-ed dorms when I was in college?!? Shit, easier access to beer and fucking is what everyone wants. I wish my apartment building was co-ed, because letting the sexes mingle is clearly the problem here.

Safe Sex Bamboozle!

I just like the word "bamboozle" - but one in ten people don't know how to do safe sex right, which primarily means they still believe the bullshit their friends told them when they were twelve. I'd like to blame American abstinence education, but this story comes out of the UK, a godless Socialist country who probable shows porn in their classroom and encourages orgies in children as young as five. I may be guessing, of course, but you can't trust people whose government provides healthcare; I'm sure their country is an economic wasteland. A wasteland full of people bamboozled by condom use.

No Benny Hill Stamp!

Benny Hill was slated to appear on a British postage stamp, but when the powers-that-be sat down to decide who got a stamp honoring TV history, Hill was deemed too naughty. Citizens, however, have been outraged - outraged! - because Hill was such a great part of their culture. I'll admit, the only reason I'm linking to this story is so I can run this picture:

If that's not proof the UK has better television than us in the US, I don't know how else to tell you.

BPA: Penis Killer!

Sure, bisphenol-A makes your water bottles firm and keeps metals from leeching into your canned beans, but it is killing your penis. From the level of hyperbolic fear induced in the first few lines of this article, I can only infer that men who have touched BPA plastic at any point in their lives eventually see their dick shrivel up, fall off, and disappear in a cloud of dust, like some vampiric dildo. Not so, says the article: they checked with a couple hundred people working at a manufacturer in China, who showed a slight higher likelihood of sexual dysfunction when they had significant contact with BPA - and, Jesus, they're working in a Chinese chemical plant, they're lucky their dick hasn't shriveled up and fallen off. They didn't mention that each of these men only had three fingers on each hand, could sense changes in the approaching cosmic winds, and in some cases pooped pure pewter. And those were the lucky ones. BPA in high doses: bad. BPA in your complimentary NPR water bottle: stop worrying, you fucking pansy.

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