I can't fucking watch TV without some commercial telling me that I need to take their medication otherwise I'm going to die a painful death. You know what else helps prevent a painful death? FUCKING. According to recent studies, sexual intercourse improves blood pressure, reduces heart disease, improves mood, expands vocabulary, alters the fabric of space and time, gives people the power of telepathy, and ensures prompt service at Burger King. I didn't read the whole article, I'm just making assumptions on some of those things. Still, for all the "sex kills, use a condom", keep in mind: having sex isn't just dodging a bullet, it's good for you, god damn it.

Hey, there, West Coast: looking forward to a rain of radioactive isotopes blown by the trade winds from Japan? The 1960s knew exactly what to do about it: they built fallout shelters in their basements. Simple enough for a weekend project, and if you're looking forward to the inevitable, you might want to build a permanent one for when everything goes to hell anyway.

Sorry, sexy Facebookers: Facebook thinks oral sex is way too sexy-sex for Facebook friends. What's a little cunnilingus between friends, anyway? I guess Facebook is just for underaged girls to post sexy pictures of themselves, and for people to hook up with people they haven't seen from highschool, two entirely wholesome aspects of online culture. Wouldn't want people to learn anything akin to sexual education online, would we Facebook?

This is probably the only Charlie Sheen thing I'm going to talk about in the near future, until he's actually IN porn or something. In fact, it's not really about Sheen, anyhow. It's about his nice, sweet half-brother who has to account for the fact that he shares his genes with Sheen. Crazy part at the top, more reasonable at the bottom, laughter all the way through.

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When you're an elected official on a business trip, expecting to partake in local custom is common. However, you better know the difference between Thailand and China, because while threesomes are available on every streetcorner in Thailand, Australian mayors will get in trouble for requesting threesomes from their Chinese interpreters, no matter how nice you think tiny tits are. Crameri, mayor of Penrith - I think that's near Hobbiton - blew off inquiries with the most assholey of responses - "it was a joke! I did ask her back to my room, but I don't remember the threesome thing." Very professional, Mr. Mayor - if you're going to go full Berlusconi all over your trip, you need to have some decorum. When people call you on it, you deny it, you write big checks to obtain silence, and you continue to have your bunga bunga with impunity. Australians have no idea how to abuse their power properly.

The Ukranian Femen are not a soccer team, nor are they a Dr Who villain: they're an activist group who use their breasts as weapons against evil. Corruption, sex trade, and other feminist activities are emphasized by showing off their supple, soft Ukranian breasts, drawing attention to both nipples and social disorder. It doesn't sound like the breasts themselves do any crimefighting, but the article might be leaving something out.

Get on your favorite jersey, stake your claim to the comfiest chair, make somebody bring you a beer, 'cuz it's fucking National Porn Sunday! Yeah, I know it's a trick: XXXChurch works that way. Still, I love the porny elephant football logo and might get some shirts made anyway. As for the day's purpose: seriously, I understand people have a problem with their ability to control themselves, and difficulty with the degree of self-control their faith expects. If you can't resolve those two things and need the help of your clergy, go get it done, man. If the clergy isn't helping - fuck 'em, go watch your porn and stop doing it so much that it fucks up your life. I'm not a licensed psychologist, and I like porn, so as far as my advice goes, your mileage may vary. So, either porn up or go to church, because today's National Porn Day, motherfuckers, no matter how you interpret the name.

^{(want the logo to make your own t-shirts? Here you go.)}

Wait - a porn site promoting XXXChurch? The Dos Equis old guy orders you to drink responsibly, and he gets tonnes of hot ass, so I expect you assholes to porn responsibly, too. If the alternative is church, consider this your 'scared straight' moment.

Some awesome new statistics are out there about who's getting abortions: 88% of the women who have an abortion were married or in a relationship when conception happened. The study's main point is that, regardless of the relationship status, the majority of the men knew about the abortion and were accepting or supportive. Not that it'll matter to the assholes who want you to think the only people getting abortions are poor, single, slutty women with no other options, and those trollops are taking away the man's right to choose to raise the child by cruelly aborting without his input. The truth is that abortions are had by the core of our society, and men and women alike are OK with it when it happens to them. The more people act like only some outlying group of sinners get abortions, the more likely your rights are going to get taken away.

It's a fact, everybody: the insides of people's ears are erogenous zones. Not the curly part you can see - it's the place you touch deep, deep inside your skull that you can only reach with Q-tips. Gracie always tells me that I make an "O Face" when cleaning out my ears and she is fucking right. What I didn't know is that there's places you can go and have other people clean out your ears for you. If that's not two inches away from prostitution, I don't know what is. From the article, "There are stories of customers leaving wives for ear pickers and a life of in-home ear pleasure." Now that's what I would have liked to see in the movie Pretty Woman. Guy falling for cheap hooker with big teeth? Who cares. Guy falls for chick who touches his brain via his ear canal? That's a god-damned keeper right there.

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and IMHO one of the more important holidays of our year. It's not necessarily about being black, but about stepping up and making the world around you a better place for those people around you, regardless of their categorical characteristics. What makes America great is the idea that we're a body of people who all contribute to make our country better each and every day. Seriously; the unknown neighbor who plowed my sidewalk while I was at work is part of it; having a black president is part of it; giving everyone - men, women, minorities, the poor, the sick, everyone - the right to vote is what we've got, and that kicks ass. While we've climbed so very high and moved so many mountains in the past century, gone to the moon and created cable TV and made email that can circle the world and connect distant lands in an instant, there's still fuckheads like these, featured at PWSNT. It's Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and so many people don't get it - and it's not that they don't get it, but that they're so removed from this awesome world that in exercising their first-amendment rights they only show just how empty, scared, and painful their shitty lives are. Calling a spade a spade¹, showing on this fine day just how much is left to be remedied, must remind us to not rest on our laurels and continue what MLK Jr had in mind. I heard this at lunch, Cory Booker, Mayor of Newark, talking about what he thinks today is all about. Listen to him, fuck all the racist shitheads.

A study in Bulgaria went to great lengths to determine the rate of puberty today versus our father's generation. They did so, of course, by measuring people's testicles and penis. Who's got the biggest penis? Farm kids got the biggest penis! As a farm-grown kid with a huge cock, I gotta say I fucking told you so. Sure, it's not much - but when it comes to dick size, seriously, it may as well be a damn mile. The rest of the story is pretty common; they've been saying men and women are reaching puberty at younger ages now than ever before, but, really - did I tell you about the part where rural kids have big penises? Yeah, it's true, Bulgaria says so.

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Here's the deal - you're better off getting drunk together than one drinking more than the other. Codependent drunks have better relationships -- yay! Oh, and getting wasted while your partner doesn't sucks. I get the impression this was written by those stereotypical scientists who lead sheltered lives and never dated a partier because it looked fun and learned a life lesson about it later. I like all the quantifying and measuring and stuff, but, geez, anyone who went to college has this figured out by now. Well, all except those wacky, wacky drunks - they're either the sober, annoyed one now or they're still pissing people off. Moderation is key, at least that's what Cuervo says at the end of their commercials.

AskMen just released their top 99 most beautiful women list, and an interesting statistic has appeared: 40% of the women are 30 years old or older, which is a nice change from the child-o-centric worship of twenty-somethings. OK, they're not exactly "old ladies," but if you looked through most magazines they're going to make women in their forties look like grandmas. Let's see that change, publishing industry: society has spoken, women stay hot well into their forties, let's see more of that in the magazines. Especially Selma Hayek. Lots more Selma.

A bar in Singapore has come up with an extraordinary customer service program: Ladies' Night comes with a free drink based on the size of her boobs. Little boobs get a free beer, all the way up to D gets their own bottle of distilled spirits. The people behind the OverEasy booked DJ DCup - no word on how big the DJs tits are - thus making it a tit-themed evening out. The bar wants to ensure customers know that the size is gauged visually, although I'm sure an enthusiastic patron could request a tactile size check for accuracy.

The second-oldest magazine in Canada was named after one of its most famous - and profitable - residents, the lowly beaver. Of course, when we see magazines and websites emblazoned with the title, "The Beaver", we expect tits. Tits and crotches. And maybe cigarette ads, and poorly written erotic letters to the editor, and maybe a story about true crime - but tits, definitely tits. The Non-Sexy Beaver has run afoul of internet filters and spamblockers, because nobody in their right mind would name a magazine that in today's day and age, not counting on the fact that in the last century a beaver was simply a waterborne rodent with a flat tail. Sadly, after so many years, the magazine is changing their name, leaving beavers to the back of their nickels.

Ah, hackers: it's a good thing they'll never learn how to do anything productive, although they almost made an IT department very, very happy. In a rather standard job description on a website, some "hacker" added the requirement "DD Cup breasts, slim waist, tight twat;" somewhere above following policies and procedures and mathematical prowess. "Hacker" is used pretty loosely these days; usually things like this turn out to be an internal prank, followed by a "we thought he'd catch it before it got out to the public!" retraction. And then maybe a firing, creating another open desk waiting to be filled by a DD-cupped IT professional.

Olympics athlete Jana Rawlinson is prepared to do anything to win the gold - including removing her breast implants. I suppose there were some weight or wind resistance issues, any of which could hold her back that fraction of a second difference between the silver and the gold, but smaller boobs, really? I suppose they can get re-installed later, and then she can dangle that gold medal within her massive cleavage.

Sweden has a new word: slidkrans, or "vaginal corona". It's sort of a shitty translation, which we Americans think sounds funny, but it's designed to replace the old word for a hymen, modomshinna, or "virginity membrane." The Swedes, unlike the morons here in the US, understand that virginity is bullshit - there's nothing 'lost' except the ability to make you feel guilty for losing something - so they've changed the loaded word for something more logical. Thanks, Sweden, for having the smarts to toss out antiquated morality.