Posts Tagged 'Republicans'

CPAC Nookie!

Wherever Conservatives go, everyone's surprised by the amount of sex that follows. Sure, Liberals probably fuck the locals just as much, but they're at least happy to admit it. Conservatives hate any sort of just-for-fun sex -- when speaking to the public -- so there's a certain amount of schadenfreude in reading their non-sexy and barely poetic attempts to get laid via Craigslist. Can't you guys just masturbate to pictures of women being turned away from abortion clinics or kids going hungry? We all know what turns you on: you'll be much happier if you just admit it to the world.


No Bachmann Dildo!

NEWS FLASH: Michelle Bachmann, former Presidential candidate and all-around Conservative weirdo, has not - I repeat NOT - been masturbating. Here is the proof:

Strategy Group and its attorney then provided a notarized statement from employee Jorge Sosa, who said Elsass asked him last year to buy a specific head massager for the congresswoman. Elsass thought the gift might relieve Bachmann's headache.

Sosa said he bought the wrong model, one that an online product description shows is geared more toward use on ailing backs. After discovering his mistake, Sosa said, he purchased the correct head massager and returned the wrong one to Brookstone.

See, her staff didn't buy her a sex toy, they just bought her one personal massager, which didn't meet her needs, and then went back to buy another one, which in turn did meet Bachmann's needs. It was probably one of these, but I really, really like the image of Bachmann with a Hitachi Magic Wand in each hand, rubbing the vibrating balls against each of her temples, moaning in ecstasy.


Republican Butt Plugs!

As if Republicans don't already have a collection of these already, some pollster has recognized the look of Republican candidate graphs and decided to make butt plugs out of 'em. Strangely, the Bachmanns and the Santorums get the smallest of 'em, when they deserve the biggest, so go figure.