There really aren't a whole lot of sex toys for men, compared to the acres of dildoes you can find at the adult bookstore. There's something new for guys, now: it's called the Liquid Lapdance, and it helps you orgasm while enjoying the strip club. It's pretty much lubed rubber underpants, like scaling up a Fleshlight's liner to miniskirt size. So, you lube it up before hitting the town, then as a stripper grinds on you the lubed parts stroke the shaft, and then you walk around the rest of the night in a lube-and-sperm dreamworld. I'm sure creepy guys will find plenty of unsavory reasons to wear it in public, but I'm sure there's plenty of non-creepy reasons to wear these someplace other than a stripclub. Like, doing sit-ups in the morning -- I can improve my core, and get off at the same time. I'll never be late to work again!

The cutting edge of dildonics is here - the Vibease is a bluetooth-enabled vibrator, which means you have to sync it to a computer, phone, or tablet -- but that's where things get interesting. Since it's now computerized, they plan on doing all sorts of fun things with it, like syncing it to eBooks, so as you read it twitters your linkedin until you facebook. Or something. Or, you can have somebody in San Francisco diddle you in London, like a less penis-heavy form of ChatRoulette. The options are endless! Unfortunately, it's still in the funding step, so all you get are wild promises and angel-investor-attracting videos. Hopefully it comes to fruition; it sounds like fun.

Via.

Safety first, people! Londoners have been calling the fire department more often lately for sexual-related rescues, in particular to be released from handcuffs. Fancy newspaper-writers would like you to think it's because of Fifty Shades of Grey, but I'd like to think it's due to a higher standard in handcuff production today. At the very least, it also shows a bit of stupidity on the part of the participants -- metal toy handcuffs have a quick-release, and crumble under an average hammer blow...um...not that I've experienced this. Even shitty Spencer's 'fetish' handcuffs are quick release. But that is part of my choice in purchasing handcuffs for recreational reasons. Anyone who heads out to look for sex handcuffs with a focus on making them difficult to open is just looking to fill that soundproof room in his basement. So, be careful out there, everyone, make sure you're not letting your hormones make decisions that could end up with you drowning in the bubble bath.

Via.

Well, fuck - after yesterday's vibe bike, I joked about having a orgasm-inducing chair, and then I found this god damned thing. It's called a Diletto, and looks like one of those dumbass ergonomic 70s chairs but instead of causing back pain it fucks you while you rock back and forth. Talk about multitasking while at your desk.

British girls have all the fun. UK funshop SexShop365 has released the Happy Ride, a bike seat cover with a built in vibrator, so when you're huffing and puffing down the road you can have an orgasm somewhere around 1st and Main. I suspect this would be of greater benefit on a stationary bike, where you're less likely to fall over, or get funny looks from the guy in a beat-up F150. If they start putting vibrators in everything that women sit on, nothing's going to get done once they make the Office Chair Happy Seat. Too much distraction, and the janitor hates all that clean-up afterwards.

Picture via.

What more heinous thing could happen than this? Several cars are broken into in one neighborhood, but one person had more than just CDs and pens from banks in their car: this woman had $500 in sex toys stolen from her trunk. Of course, they weren't "her" sex toys - they were for somebody else's bachelorette party.... riiiiighhhttt..... but if it was a bunch of stuff, it probably was really a bachelorette party. If she was doing right, $500 in good sex toys isn't really a whole lot. You can get a whole lot of stupid penis-shaped straws and blow-up sheep for $500, and it's no wonder it lived in her car. Nobody leaves the good stuff that far out of reach.

Via.

Don't piss off the guys who work in a Tractor Supply store. They hold a grudge apparently: months after an argument over an order, Tractor Supply workers wrote a message on a dildo and mailed it to the customer. After the confrontation, he was told "don't come back!", and apparently they didn't think the only way to make sure the message got across was with a fake penis. I never knew you could get a fake penis from Tractor Supply -- that makes things much simpler! Now I know what to buy next time I'm there to pick up welding rods and work gloves.

Via.

Similar to this - if you ever wanted to see what it was like to watch a woman struggle to do something intellectual while bring brought to orgasm, here's your chance: Clayton Cubitt has filmed sexy women trying to read a book out loud while sitting on a vibrator. Too bad they don't get very far; Clockwork Orange is one of my favorites.

Via.

In 1992, cyberpunk was the way of the future -- everything was "cyber" this and "e-" that and "web" those, and if you were the lucky kind of person that had a PC and didn't have a parent looking over your shoulder, you could play a naughty game like Sim-U-Sex, the sex simulation game of the future! Me, I masturbated to Leisure Suit Larry and I was plenty happy about it. More images here, and you can download it here.

There's a new condom on the street: it's called the Origami condom, and that's not because of any penis-folding. It's a silicone condom, lubricated on the inside for sensation, and it has a big-ol flange on the bottom so to keep your big cock from pushing the whole thing inside her ladyparts. When it's on, it doesn't look too different than a normal condom, but all the promotional photos make it look like a spacedicks thing. The Origami isn't for sale yet -- but it should be in the next year.

Via.

An intrepid Gizmag (presumably pronounced jizz-mayg) reporter has stuck his dick where few have ever gone: into a small machine that claims to replicate the sexual experience encoded in a POV video. The Real Touch sex toy apparently lives up to the hype - "eye-popping" according to the writer, and we all know which "eye" popped for him. And just look at it - isn't it cute? I suppose the crown and wig are extra, but who wouldn't add that on to their order?

You know the old adage, that shoe size translates to penis size? Well, some enterprising soul made an app that automatically does the conversion for you. It's not available in the Apple store, nor is it in the Android store, apparently it only exists for Palm, which is why big-money like Apple and Google didn't get sued, but the struggling HP and its 2010 acquisition Palm company are the ones being sued by the original Chubby Checker, the musician. I can totally understand: if there's one thing musicians hate, they absolutely abhor being associated with big penises. Oh, I know, this is about trademark and dilution of brand and blah blerg flhhkk, but my guess is the esteemed Mr. Checker checked his shoesize and found out an unfortunate truth about himself. Or, maybe he found the app is horribly miscalculating on the undersized end of the scale and he was the only person in a place to remedy the failure. And really, who besides 12-year-old boys looking for a reason to pick on other kids are going to play with an app that converts show size to penis size, and, do any of them own a fucking Palm device? Where can you even get one, besides a garage sale?

Via.

Digging through these old Easyriders is fun - you learn so much! I found the sextoy below in one of their 'recommended purchases', right below the beer-can sling you hang around your neck and a folding shotgun. An audio-controlled vibrator? That's awfully high-tech for the seventies; I didn't even know similar products still exist, updated for the iPod generation. One difference is (and the picture doesn't show it) that the 1970s version had a separate amp box, which doesn't sound too comfortable during practical use. I imagine that, a handy person could take out the low-powered amp it came with and put in a nice Mcintosh tube amp for rumblier lows. That's the thing with off-the-shelf audio equipment: it's always a good idea to replace the important parts with something a little more high-end.

Via.

It's probably too late to buy for Valentine's Day, but over at Sexclectic you can buy the gift that keeps on giving: a kit to make a rubber duplicate of your penis. They're not that expensive, so buy several kits and have one for every day of the week - well, maybe 5 or 6 days of the week, you want her to use the real thing once in a while, right?

Via.

While it may seem that the XBox Kinect is only good for dancing games, one company has decided to make the 2nd most obvious use of the technology their main goal. Gamelink intends to create the first Kinect porn movie...game...masturbatory aid? Whatever they want to call it, they're not even sure how to make it work - so they want you to tell them the most perverted way to use the same machine your kids play Lego Harry Potter on. The main reason I want to see this become real is the eventual YouTube videos of drunk people playing these games at frat parties. That shit's gonna be hilarious.

More glass cock fun: new at Sexclectic is this cobalt blue g-spot stimulator from Don Wands. And, just look at this thing: if you decide your g-spot is stimulated enough (which nobody has ever thought before), you can turn the fucker around and use the big nobby handle to get yourself off.

Lovehoney is a sex paraphernalia shop in the U.K., and they've got a smart program: send them your old sex toys, they give you loyalty points. See, because sex toys have batteries and solder and motors and circuit boards and wierd rubber in them, they're about as bad for the environment as your celphone is. The thing is, here in the U.S., they're not any less toxic to the environment, but the trash rules aren't so strict around here. My garbage guy said as long as it doesn't look like a computer or a bucket of solvent it can go in the regular trash. But, if you really want to help the environment, do the right thing: dispose of your battery-powered penises with a company like Scarlet Girl or see if this place is accepting donations yet, or see if you have a friend in the UK who'd be willing to take 'em off your hands. You'll feel better about the environment, and it's an excuse to buy something new: a win-win situation!

Via.

What, it's Christmas and you haven't gotten your fuckbuddy gal a gift yet? I highly recommend glass sex toys. They look like art more than a dildo, but they're a surprising amount of fun. They almost feel dangerous, even though it's highly unlikely to ever break or otherwise damage her goods. They even hold heat if you do it right (but be careful, of course). Partner Sexclectic has this basic one available, or shop around for something fancier.

You know, there are times when I look at that foot-long vibrant purple fake penis in the window of the local adult bookstore and I think, "why aren't there more realistic fake penises in this big wild world?" The New York Toy Collective has teamed up with a 3d printing upstart to produce anatomically correct plastic penises scanned directly from the real thing. My first reaction, just looking at the picture? My god, they're tiny. Eh, but who am I to judge, somebody paid a couple hundred bucks for that little plastic cock, so they must not be complaining.

Via.

Ah, a woman after my own heart. Let's say you enjoy both the fun of electronics hacking, and the pleasure of diddling yourself? You figure out how to redesign your vibrator for maximum efficiency. I've wondered this for quite a while and messed around with remote control vibes before, and I figured that there's a lot of technology here to be manipulated that nobody has looked at before in quite the same light. Good for you, Scanlime vagina hacker!

Via.