Posts Tagged 'Toys'

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Tits Barometer!

When your meteorological equipment just isn't nippley enough, what are you to do? ZOO Magazine has a replacement dial for your barometer. Sorry, that's not a euphemism, but it does have pictures of boobs, so it's got that going for it. I'm no weatherman, but I don't have a problem with the weather getting "winter coat with a chance of bikini bottoms" any time soon, but I'm going to have to wait a few months before my needle starts pointing towards "topless and goofy".

Homemade Sex Doll!

Dear god, gentlemen, don't try this at home. making your own sex toy is a recipe for tragedy. The tragedy is, when somebody else finds it, then uploads photos to the internet. The design is, of course, genius: check out how the elbows and knees are articulated like a sock monkey. Plus, without bones, she can perform positions only Cosmo graphics designers can think of. I mean, who doesn't like fucking a lifeless sock monkey? I can only hope this is a transitional toy - soon, Cliff will have enough money saved up to buy those disembodied hips-and-ass sex toys, and then something with hips and tits, and so forth, like he's levelling-up in some twisted penis-focused video game. Only 10,000 more points and he can add a navel! While I can't make out the face he's chosen to tape on the head, I'm pretty certain it's 1970s-era Candice Bergen. What the guy lacks in masking-tape dollmaking skills, he makes up for in taste. Sorta. UPDATE: this is the source of the unimaginable horror of the homemade sex doll.

Demon Penis!

I love how descriptive ratings are getting; when I was a kid, it was just G, PG, and R - now, your favorite TV shows have long descriptions of the vices of which you are about to see. Take, for instance, the new Dante's Inferno game, based on a popular medieval satirical allegory of a poet visiting another poet in the Grecian underworld and seeing various public figures who ended up in the Inferno for acts perpetrated on Earth. Sounds like a good background for a first-person shooter, am I right? The new Inferno allows you to kick ass and take names in the vernacular - plus, the ESRB wants to warn you, there's one demon whose "...penis [is] visible during the flying and fire-spewing..." Surely, a game whose box description includes a scale of violence which was previously unknown in early Italian literature, should turn parents off to buy it for their impressionable children, but - the horrors - there better be a warning if there's a demonic cock involved. Oh, and the breasts: if you're willing to put up with the cock and the blood, there's apparently a whoreload of tits to be seen in the game, including the physics-applied bouncing boobs of a King-Kong sized Cleopatra. Saints alive, Virgil never knew what he was getting into when he agreed to guide Dante through Hell!

Fetish Dog Mask!

Fetish stuff usually scares the shit out of me, but this is oddly beautiful: a leather fetish mask designed to look like a great dane or something. Yes, in that bottom picture, there's a removable bite-gag built into the mask. I gotta stop thinking about it anymore, it's giving me the creeps.


Fap Mapper!

Oh, for fuck's sake, everybody is taking this way too seriously: FapMapper is a phone app that lets you map the places you've masturbated. The only entertainment value in this is in the fact that it's totally a hoax. Come on: if there were any sexual gratification in such a thing, an app like this would have been out years ago, and there would be chat. This thing's entertainment value is to go, "gross, people masturbate in my town?" Let me tell you, mister: there's a toilet in that sorority over there, and the college chicks do unspeakable things in it. FapMapper is for the gross fun of browsing a map, looking at the stupid made-up reasons somebody thought would be funny to say they wanked. Do note, though, that FapMapper is from PinkVisual, a fine adult entertainment company, and while the map is full of little FapIcons, it's also got a bunch of little PinkVisual icons to helpfully let you know where to buy their products. Fucking successful advertising campaign: got me to talk about how stupid it is for a couple hundred words. Use it to find adult bookstores; screw the masturbation shit.

Eco-Friendly Fuck Machine!

See, folks, this is why smart guys like me hung out in the art wing at college: art students think about fucking all day long, and aren't afraid to act on it. Take this art installation, which proudly displays a fake penis: It's a fucking machine that's powered by a water wheel. So, not only is she bent over being fucked by a nine-foot-tall wooden machine, she's being splashed with water, her damp hair sticking to her shiny slick skin as she moans in ecstacy with each of the machine's thrusts. Sadly, the machine is still a virgin; no women have come forward to volunteer to take all ten inches of rubber waterwheel cock - something I find surprising given all the art school girls around.

Creepy Sex Toys!

The Frisky has a list of the creepiest sex toys ever known. Hello Kitty vibe? Eh, been seeing it for years. Face dildos? I can see a reason for those. Real Dolls? I don't know who that chick in the picture is, but I'd fuck her in a heartbeat; what's a realdoll? You know what's the creepiest sex toy ever? The one you find in your mom's sock drawer. Nightmares for life.

Cracker Sex Toys!

Sometimes, it takes me a while to translate British news; they write about sex more than the US, but Google Translate doesn't work for shit. Anyhow, something called a "Christmas cracker" is given to children, and when they do something to it, things come out, usually toys and fun stuff. In one case, however, a kid popped his Christmas cracker, and got a adult toy sampler! First of all: where do I get some of these?!? I could get all my Xmas shopping done in one step. Second of all: the product did have an "adults only" sticker on it - but the shop said they'll remove any crackers without stickers from the front of the shop, leaving the adult-only crackers right where parents will pick them up for their kids. Best Christmas Ever! The other reason British news about sex is better: in the U.S., someone would have called the police, somewhere somebody would be screaming, "won't someone think of the children!" and that 4-year-old child would be on Fox News being questioned about the stuff he didn't understand to begin with, but would quickly be explained to him by all the people wishing to show just how damaged the child was by seeing condoms. Sure, somebody called the paper - wouldn't want it to happen again - but they were able to just get the fuck over themselves. Americans: get the fuck over yourselves.

Android Porn!

The iPhone might have been first, but it kinda sucks - mostly because, unless you live in a big city, it's a useless piece of crap. Secondly, if you want porn, it's an even bigger useless piece of crap. Google to the rescue: the G-based Android phone has a bigger wireless network, and they're totally OK with pornographic apps in their store. It'll only be a matter of time before Apple opens up the naughtiness, but my money is still on the 'Droid. Remember Betamax, HDDVD, the development of chat and streaming software - the technology that best embraces pornography will always take center stage. Bye, iPhone, your absence of genitals will be your downfall.

Dildo for Pipe Laying!

The barter economy is back! Businesses are swapping products and services rather than cash, hence CNN's titillating headline by which a sex toy store gets its pipes done for the cost of a few Hoppin' Rabbits. Some dildo arbitrage might work well for most industries, and I'll bet it'll translate to prostitution. Just imagine: rather than paying her $200, take her out to dinner and a movie and still get laid afterwards. Hell, that sounds more fun!

Lube = GOOD!

Your friendly neighborhood sex-toy reviewer has been telling you this for years, but now here comes the Science!: women from age 18 and up report improved sexual experiences - whether with a partner or alone - when they use lube. Interestingly, another reason for lube that I was unfamiliar with is that STDs are transmitted easier if friction causes damage to the vagina. Just typing the sentence "damage to the vagina" makes me cringe; do your friendly neighborhood vagina some good and use some lube, everybody - you can buy that shit at Wal-Mart now, and the little bottle of Astroglide lasts practically forever - go buy some now.

Shower Poster!

The shower stall is the last place I'd think of hanging a poster, but this poster is specifically designed for the shower. The reason is simple: when it gets wet, the big-breasted anime girl gets naked. When it's completely dry, she's SFW again, so when your mom comes over and uses your bathroom, you won't be embarrassed by having a naked poster in your'll just have to explain why you have a busty cartoon character poster in there, which might be harder to explain than the nudity. Lastly: am I a pervert to wonder if the bra disappears when you pee on it? I don't want to do it, but in the interest of Science!, somebody might have to try it.

Boobs and TV!

This is totally the greatest invention in the entire universe that ever existed: Boob televisions. Each bra has a TV sewn in, so you can watch your porn while staring at a real pair of breasts. It's got two screens, so you can keep tabs on the World Series in the left while you watch Community in the right - and, presumably, you're having sex with the aforementioned bra wearer while all this is happening. Everything that is good in the world has come together into this one single product, and now that we've reached singularity, the world can now end as the Myans predicted. Amen. (via)

Novelty Business Up!

While the porn industry is holding on by the short hairs, sex toy sales are booming! People are staying home more, having their 'fun' around the house, and, if you think about it, most sex toys are for women, so they're doing less 'have some drinks and find a guy to bring home', and more 'a pint of cheesecake ice cream, a movie, and the Hoppin' Rabbit, and I'm good'. Or - and the less misogynistic and stereotypical answer - is that the idea of self-pleasure has been gaining inroads in society, rather than being an embarrassing or sinful thing, and that increase is running counter to any recession. That's good for both the economy and people's sexual and emotional health.

Foreign Hymens!

What. The. Fuck. Chinese manufacturers have created, for sexual-entertainment purposes, an artificial hymen, for the entertaining pleasure of de-virgining a woman over and over again. The accusation is that this is cheapening the honorable state of virginity, but that was gone long ago, when you consider the number of women who were virgins on their wedding night, but had started having sex long, long before. Really, who gives a fuck: most hymens are broken long before a cock gets anywhere near them. Maybe those bike-seat-virginity-losers are the real market for the artificial hymen, so they don't miss out on the uncomfortable, bloody experience of being torn the first time they have sex. Yeah, really missing out.

Glass Dildo Not Unique!

The seventh circuit court of appeals has done a whole lot of dildo work lately. One glass dildo maker sued another glass dildo maker, saying they violated their patent, but the courts say, no, there's nothing innovative about a Pyrex pseudo-penis, so the patent is undefendable. Topco were the winners here, and can continue to make their dildos, while Sexnology is now convicted of having a crappy 90s website design.

Rub-On Viagara!

Apparently, a little blue pill isn't enough: they're turning Viagra into a topical cream that you rub on. I think this is the awesomest idea ever, if only because there's probably some added therepeutic advantage to making her do the rubbing-on. "Oh, baby, I need some rub-on erection help. Oh, no, it's not Viagra, just take some of that Astroglide and get to work on my dick. Trust me, it's a good thing to do." The intent is to avoid the side-effects of the ingestible pill, and the topical application means it'll start working faster.

Nax: Male Sex Doll!

Ever use a female sex doll? I have, actually, but it was a cheap one. Women, really, haven't had much opportunity, although Doc Johnson used to have male blow-up dolls in their catalog. RealDolls are the top-of-the-line for men, but women - at least according to Lemondrop - get Nax, the high-end male sex doll. He's got the hair of the final boss of the internet, a slight, feminine face, a misproportioned body, and a penis more realistic than a toy deserves. Congratulation, ladies: you've crossed a line into creepy that formerly only men treaded beyond. (via)

Wind-Up Vibrator!

Ever worry that all those batteries you go through in your Hoppin' Rabbit are destroying the environment? Well, they are, you plutocratic bitch. Stop and think about trees for an instant. First step: get yourself a human-powered vibrator - wind it up, get it going, and hope to god that the mainspring doesn't unwind before the big "O". OK, ok, it actually still has batteries inside, but rechargables that the crank charges as a womanpowered generator, giving them a longer lifetime than a clockwork toy would. They're destroying the environment less, but the added advantage is you're going to have one big strong arm from cranking that crank over and over, so to speak.

Vibrators: Good And Bad!

First, we have DeadDog's recommendation that a vibrator is better than a man: it lasts as long as you do, it's not an asshole, it doesn't mount jet engines on cars. Reasonable, well thought out arguments, what does the other side say? The vibrator doesn't kiss or cuddle. For cryin' out loud, can't we have something good at everything? The reason vibrators aren't everything a person needs: we'd never leave the house.

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