Wish you had an app on your iPhone that helped you masturbate? Well, too bad, pervert - Apple has rejected a female-friendly masturbation app because girls shouldn't do that or something. Somehow, apps which promote sexual health are just as bad as Redtube, so you can't have it. You'll have to stick with looking at static photos in your browser to get your sexual-health-on now.

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The Autoblow - you can find it here - has a new model out: the Autoblow 2 will be released soon, and its inventor is doing the publicity tour schtick. The stupidest questions tend to be the first question: "Why?" Um, media asshole, the answer is: dudes love spraying their sperm all over the place. Anything that helps a man blow his load has a profitable future. So if you're a web journalist posed with questioning an inventor about the improvements in his cum-collector, you should probably expect your interview to go better if you don't try to make a guy talk about getting a guy to blow his load in a robotic vagina right out of the gates. Ease him into it, ask him about fucking robots, then get to the orgasmic potential of his mechanical wonder.

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Sinthetics makes ultra-realistic sex dolls - better than the silkscreen printed face on your blowup doll, for sure - but one thing that sets them apart is the male sex dolls they make. Here's a bunch of pictures, enough to both creep you out and injure your masculinity. Oh, they don't just have erect penises - you can get 'em with flaccid penises, and, if you really want, you can stick a penis on a girl doll. No word on if you can stick a vagina into one of these guys - with the purchase option of "anal heat", the anus must be functional (as functional as people want in a sex doll), but the lack of vibrating penis options means that the ladies probably aren't the target audience for these rugged hunks. Oh, well, women will just have to keep fucking real people until somebody gets their act together and makes a plastic man that will lie there, immobile and indifferent, while you reverse-cowgirl him.

PSA time: the Fire and Ice Trojan Condoms have chemicals on them that'll take off your nail polish. And that's only the half of it: you should probably think twice about letting one of these touch any of your mucous membranes (or the mucous membranes of the people you care about), because the stuff that's supposed to feel all firey and icey are actually pretty harsh and might not be as much fun as you think. The more you know!

You kids these days, believe you're the first generation to think of sticking things in your hoo-ha. China has been doing it since before Jesus. This double-ended bronze dildo was unearthed in China, made over 2000 years ago. I hope they had a method of warming it up before use, because that looks cold. Eh, or maybe Chinese lesbians like it that way, who am I to judge. But, anyhow, next time you're shopping for dildos, just remember, some lady thousands of years ago had the exact same thoughts running through her head: "is this too big? is it curved enough? how do I clean it?"

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More apps designed to assist the sexually-deficient: Lick This App is a touchscreen game designed to train your tongue for the licking gymnastics required for cunnilingus. About the only thing I've read regarding this app is "ewwwww, phones are gross!" Fucker, mostly what touches your phone is your finger and your cheek -- sure, that finger has been in your nose, but I'll be damned if it didn't touch your mouth directly at some point, like the phone somehow makes it worse. My StarTAC won't play this game, not enough RAM I guess, but if I ever encounter it in person I'll bet even I can learn something about clit-licking from this app. Even Olympic athletes continue to train after winning the gold.

Via, app designed by Christ Allick. al-LICK, get it?

The future is here, people: open source sex toys are on the way. It's not just 3d-printed penises: technically-minded people are trying to stimulate your genitals in ways you had never-before predicted. Thanks, Linus Torvalds, for giving technology the kind of can-do attitude that'll encourage people to electrically shock their own genitals in hopes of discovering the sex toys of the future!

Sorry, the picture is unrelated.

Kiiroo is a social network for sex toys -- if you own the male-oriented "SVir" or the female "OPue", you register the device with Kiiroo, which then lets other people control your device for teledildonic pleasure. As a social network, I expect things to go this way: first, there's not much adoption so not many people go there. Then, it reaches a tipping point where it becomes awesome because everyone you want to be there is hanging out. Finally, it reaches the climax, and you spend all your time with a rubber vagina strapped to your crotch while you spend your time clearing your inbox from Candy Crush Saga requests, messages from spammers, and fifty posts of meme graphics taken from last week's Reddit. I can already sit at my desk with a rubber vagina strapped to my cock, it's just a matter of timing to get Kiiroo just right.

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Sorry if the headline got you excited: no, there's no Lego blowjob. Not anymore. The lawyers decided that Christy Mack's offer of a blowjob for the best lego creation was a bad idea. Last week, she innocently tweeted that she likes Legos, and she likes giving blowjobs, so why not put the two together? Legal liability, that's who, according to the lawyers. So, you're more than welcome to keep building things out of Legos, just don't expect a pornstar to suck your dick for it.

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Ever wanted to know who came up with the Fleshlight? Here's the whole sordid, nasty story, and by "sordid and nasty" I mean "logical development of a well-selling product by an entrepreneur who wanted to quit his day job". Dirty, dirty stuff. I still don't own one, despite all of Kevin Smith's encouragement, and I've used a rubber vagina before so I'm not too squicked out by the idea -- but if buying a Fleshlight will help make prosthetic feet for elephants, I may have to start saving my pennies. For the elephants, of course.

We joke about five million dollar toilet seats and special bolts that cost enough to feed a family of five for a year, but sometimes the government really does spend too much money. Just look at penis pumps. Look at them. Medicaid has paid 473,620 claims, for about $175 million for penis pumps -- which count as durable medical devices, like a fake leg or crutches -- since 2006, and that's way too much money. Why get a $500 medical device when you can get a $15 one from your favorite online retailer? Do the math for Medicaid: that's $370 per pump on average. That's not bad for a high-end penis pump, but in general it looks like you can get a pretty good one for about $100. The reason is that certain things that Medicaid pays for aren't priced competitively, they are estimated based on past cost and inflation. Do they not have Google? Yeah, don't buy poor disabled people a $15 penis pump, but you can still save about half of what you're spending now, Mr. Government.

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Dear god, no -- a five-mile tall blow-up doll is walking across the surface of planet Earth, planning a Galactus-style destruction of everything we know and love! Where are the Fantastic Four when you need them?!?

No, sorry; this is just a blow up doll that was sent into space to prove its quality as a toy. It was only moderately successful; it made it up to a hundred thousand feet -- or about 20 miles -- before it was released and tried to parachute back to Earth. The parachute tore off her arms, so, well, now I have to cross that off my to-do list.

Well, it looks like somebody's gonna have a happy Christmas! If the sexy ladies in your life haven't got one of these yet, buy them a Hitachi Magic Wand for Christmas! I have yet to hear anyone who has had a negative experience with one, and many owners would dump their boyfriend before tossing out their Magic Wand. Christmas shopping time is now - you've only got a week left, what are you waiting for?!

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Christmas cums early for people who shop for adult toys on Cybermonday! Sexclectic, my favorite sex toy store because it's not huge nor shitty to navigate, is having Cyber Monday specials - free shipping, sale items, and according to Gracie you can use code BIGSPENDER and take $25 off any order of $100 or more. I know they say it's all about Christmas gift-giving, but you deserve a Fleshlight, don't you?

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First, a disclaimer: this is not me. Seriously. But, what is is proof of is to what extent guys do whatever a sexy girl tells him. A girl on reddit suggested a guy masturbate with Pilsbury biscuits, and the lonely pothead actually did it - while taking pictures. I hope his yeast infection goes well and at $2.50 a roll of bisquits he'll have spent enough to afford a Fleshlight in, like, two weeks, so I hope this got him laid somehow, otherwise it's probably not worth it.

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A female employee of an adult bookstore did an AskReddit recently, and the most relevant question was "what toys do you like?" Well, the young lady answered honestly, picking a top six list, one of which was handmade but the rest anyone can buy. They are:

• Black Label Cal Exotics Rabbit Vibe
• Don Wands Bent G-Dream Glass Massager
• Cal Exotics Gyration Sensations
• Wartenberg Wheel (not strictly a sex toy, but you get how it's used)
• Clover Nipple Clamps

And as for the flogger, here's instructions on how to make one yourself.

Designer Balasz Sarmai has come up with toy designs for The Avengers. Sex toy designs, that is. They all seem to have some thoughtful features: of course, the Hulk is huge and green, Hawkeye focuses in on the target, Black Widow is stealthy - Marvel needs to license this like now, otherwise they're missing an opportunity! It's too bad Doc Johnson already came out with lame versions called "Super Hung Heroes", although their ""Hulk" looks about the same.

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Etsy is the place to go if you want to buy artisinal bookmarks, toaster cozies, knitted caps that look like things, and - hey! - they've got artisinal sex toys, too! The plus and the minus of this brings up a dark hole - sex toys aren't really regulated by anyone, although the FDA kinda, sorta does, so there's no really knowing if what you're getting is safe and clean. So, be careful out there, everyone: I'd gather that Etsy sellers are probably cleaner than that guy selling dildoes out of the back of his van, and if you're buying dildoes out of the back of the van, you probably don't know what Etsy is, so go figure. At the very least, these are absolute works of art, so maybe you get an abstract one, put it on your mantle, and save it for a rainy day.

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A young Turkish entrepeneur has opened a halal online sex shop, which meets Muslim rules for austerity and modesty revolving around their absurdly conservative views on sex -- but, really, there's a lot of non-Muslims who are a bit skeeved by all the porniness of the average sex toy store, so there might be a market for this sort of website among non-Muslims, akin to people who buy kosher beef out of personal preference rather than adherence to any religious beliefs. Good luck to Mr. Haluk Murat Demirel, because if there's anything that's a given, it's that anything remotely sexual is going to piss someone off in the Middle East.

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The Hitachi Magic Wand has been the Cadillac of vibrating sex toys for decades, and there's some news about the toy: first, The 2013 Sex Awards has given the Hitachi their "Favorite Sex Toy for Women" award. Duh-freakin'-DUH. But, what I learned from this is that Hitachi is no longer making this epic piece of mankind's innovative spirit. It is now made by a company called Vibratex, and it's just called The Magic Wand and it sounds like they're going to make some improvements. I'm not sure they realize that a lot of women just call it their "Hitachi", and by dropping that from the name they give it the more ungainly part of the name. Eh, I doubt it's going to stop anyone from using it: most women would chose the Hitachi -- sorry -- Magic Wand over their lover if given a chance, and without the slightest hint of ironic or self-deprecating laugh. They take their Hitachi seriously.

Now that the Federal shutdown is in its second week, all those IRS tax collectors, National Park rangers, Head Start teachers, and all other sorts of people furloughed are getting very, very bored. Sex toy store Vibrators.com wants to help with this: they're giving away free sex toys to laid-off Federal workers during the shutdown. I guess if Congress is going to tell Federal employees to go fuck themselves like this, it may as well be done with a fine sexual masturbatory aid.

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You might have seen a young woman rub one of these against her crotch recently, but then again I can't account for your wherabouts, so it might not have been Miley Cyrus in your case. If you'd like to watch your own sex partner masturbate with a foam finger, you can now buy one for her, maybe for your anniversary or some other significant life event. They call it a "Twerkfinger", who sounds like a blaxsploitation Bond villian, which makes me want to buy one even more. Any which way, it's not truly a sex toy, but half of the things people rub on their genitals isn't anyway, so why not this too?

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NEWS FLASH: Michelle Bachmann, former Presidential candidate and all-around Conservative weirdo, has not - I repeat NOT - been masturbating. Here is the proof:

Strategy Group and its attorney then provided a notarized statement from employee Jorge Sosa, who said Elsass asked him last year to buy a specific head massager for the congresswoman. Elsass thought the gift might relieve Bachmann's headache.

Sosa said he bought the wrong model, one that an online product description shows is geared more toward use on ailing backs. After discovering his mistake, Sosa said, he purchased the correct head massager and returned the wrong one to Brookstone.

See, her staff didn't buy her a sex toy, they just bought her one personal massager, which didn't meet her needs, and then went back to buy another one, which in turn did meet Bachmann's needs. It was probably one of these, but I really, really like the image of Bachmann with a Hitachi Magic Wand in each hand, rubbing the vibrating balls against each of her temples, moaning in ecstasy.

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Why? Why the fuck not, says the Russians. 306 Creative Communication has figured out that, as a communication professional, breasts are a prime motivator in viral media. So, they have made lifting weights that look like boobs. Carry on!

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