Posts Tagged 'Toys'

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Robot Sex Tourism!

"Tourism futurologist" - a term I'm sure has been a career for centuries - Ian Yeoman has a vision. And, I doubt he was high, even though it sounds like it. "In the future," he says, "people will travel from place to place to have sex with robots!" Has he blown your freakin' mind yet? "No, dude, sure, shipping a robot sounds easier than taking a trip, but tourism is about the places you go - you'll be freakin' begging for the Grand Canyon to have a robot-fucking hotel right on the fucking edge, dude." I'm paraphrasing, but I can't imagine his brainstorming session with his "think tank" to sound any different. Maybe he's talking about robots fucking each other, which is definitely a new market for tourism that the future will certainly bring - more likely than people traveling to distant lands just to fuck robots. Shit, tourists travel to remote locations to fuck other tourists. Me, I'm going the other direction: sex-robot Netflix. You queue up the robot you want to fuck, and in a few days it arrives on your doorstep. Where's my "futurist" credentials, you assholes?

Hot Gi Joe Babes!

Apparently, the only sexy one in G.I. Joe was the Baroness, with her full-body leather catsuit...but I don't blame 'em. Beware: the gallery says 40 images, but several are of the same person, and a couple look like they were just hotlinked from an army surplus website:


This is so fucking awesome, I might have to sell everything I own and move in to it: Antilles Seaplanes is producing modernized versions of the classic Grumman Goose. You might remember it from pretty much every god-damn awesome 1940s adventure movie, and as a key part of Tales of the Gold Monkey. Yes, freakin' Captain Decker flew it with a one-eyed dog that wears an eyepatch, and now you can own a plane like his.

Sleazy IPhone Apps!

As if you don't already look like a total douche for showing off your iPhone apps to anyone who makes eye contact, here's Complex's guide to the sleaziest iPhone applications for you to download and show off to the guys at the office, potential girlfriends, your extended family, et al. That is, sleaziest at the time of publication; I'm sure 25 new bouncy-boob apps have appeared since I started typing this sentence. Anyhow, when you make a piece of electronics that has a touch screen, accelerometer, and vibrates - what else could possibly use all three of those features? I think Apple had this in mind all along. Those horny bastards.

Blow Up Doll Shenanigans!

Let's say you're bored, you're getting drunker by the minute, and you've got a grand in sex toys lying around? "Hey, lets go shove them into businesses' mailslots!" No, that's not even a euphemism; businesses opening the next day found vibrators, blow-up dolls, and other sundries just inside their doorways. The culprits weren't particularly stealthy, either: they took pictures of themselves delivering the toys, and then uploaded them to a newspaper's website. At least they had the sense to block out their faves first. Here in the U.S., there'd probably be obscenity or hate-crime investigations, but over in the U.K. everyone was in better spirits - the article mentions no police involvement for the moment.

Other Sex Toy Uses!

Got a bunch of sex toys lying around, and want to be more practical, like your grandma was? Put those toys to good use!


Scout Walker Sex!

Technically, they're called "AT-STs", and colloquially as the "chicken walker" before they really got a name in the Star Wars universe, but one website has decided that these large Star Wars mecha need to get laid, too. Dear god, they have wallpaper versions of their dirty, dirty Kenner sex. Apparently, it's from 2002, and I've been to the site before, so there are things on the internet I've never seen. Anyhow, now you'll never look at that scene in ROTJ where Chewie pops out of the scout walker's hatch in the same way again.

Porn: Too Much!

Japan, long admired for having a higher quality cellphone system than here in the U.S., is running into a little problem: Customers are downloading pornography in such quantities that it is bringing the cellular network to a standstill. On one hand, Ha ha, your phone network isn't as awesome as you thought! On the other hand: you can get that much porn on the phone network? Fuck, that is more awesome than I thought.

Vibrator: Does A Body Good!

Two studies show that lots of people have vibrators, half of women use them regularly, and they're good for sexual health. Yes, that includes guys, who've used them on their partners, but their use reflects a greater interest in their own sexual health as a results. The study didn't show that vibrators themselves caused health, but that people who gave a shit about their health tended to thus pay more attention to their genitals than they otherwise would. So, ladies, if you haven't got a vibrator yet, you best do so: I can guarantee it'll be better for you in the long run, and you'll definitely use it more than the treadmill that's busy holding up last winter's Christmas decorations and a box of sweaters.

Wallabies = Aliens!

If you thought aliens have been making crop circles, you'd be right - Australians have uncovered the source of circles in their fields. Stoned wallabies are hopping in circles, flattening crops and laying waste to poppies. This proves what I've been saying for years: wallabies are aliens. I mean, for fuck's sake, look at them! There's nothing earthly about them, or any of their Australian brethren. Spiders in Australia, also known as "the emerald isle", put the freakin' alien from Alien to shame with their destructive power. Be glad that the only thing trying to communicate with us via crop circles are the wallabies: when the deadly jellyfish start trying to talk to us, you know the only thing they have to say is, "resistance is futile."

Banned Sex Game Words!

Japan has been cracking down on obscene video games - or at least how they present themselves. Kotaku has a list of the banned words at one game-download website. Come on - I learned Flash just so I could finally make my incest-train groping-slave bestiality-school council-threats video game that I've always wanted. Darn you, Japan, ruining everyone's video game rape fun!

Spice Girl Masturbation!

The only Spice Girl that's still sexy, Mel B, says she will tell you what you want, what you really really want -- so she'll tell you what you want, what you really really want, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh: you want to get yourself a Pocket Rocket, ladies. Spice Girl Victoria, however, should avoid using a pocket rocket, due to her limited structural stability during vibrations. She looks like a rough car ride will cause great injury.

Layoffs = More Sex Toys!

What do you do when technology giant Nortel lays both you and your wife off? Get into the unemployment line? Work for McDonald's? Maybe, just maybe, you'll be an inventor and produce a new sex-toy design. I think Gracie actually has one of those; the toymaking duo also have something entirely new in the works: "I discovered some technology developed by NASA that has never been applied to the sex toy industry," which can mean only one thing: alien orgasms. You heard it here first!

Spencer Gifts: Porn Shop!

Politicians in Maine are in a sticky spot: is Spencer Gifts a porn store? They are concerned that the naughty objects you can buy at Spencer's qualify it to fall under the adult business restrictions of local laws. Spencer's says, what about the lube and condoms and "sore muscle" massagers at Wal-Mart and Walgreens? My argument: Yes, buying penis-themed products isn't for kids, but I can't think of an un-sexier store to buy them in than Spencer's. Really, a 14-year-old boy buying an ICP cap, some fart-smell spray, and an inflatable sheep fuck doll to make his friends laugh is hardly a sexual awakening. Spencer's is terrified that they'll have to stop selling that crap to stupid teenagers, and that will completely eliminate their customer base. Stoners don't have money, and the pseudogoths moved down to Hot Topic - nobody will be left! (via)

Milwaukee Sexpert Recommends!

I once saw Milwaukee Sexpert open for Jason Mraz at First Ave, but one of their namesakes has some recommendations of sex toys and other erotic aids, in time for National Masturbation Month. The best part: two of their recommendations are male toys.

Masturbate-a-thon Winner?!??

I had no idea you could win a masturbate-a-thon: I thought it's very existence was a WIN for any participant. Turns out, some wanker called Masanobu Sato "won" this year's Masturbate-a-thon by holding on for nearly ten fucking hours. Holy crap, I'd have passed out well past the 2-hour mark; fifteen people drowned in the ensuing orgasm. It's amazing; you think it only exists in Anime, but, well, 10 hours of masturbating is a surreal event. (Via, who also linked to a slideshow of the event.)

Coyote Paintball!

A town in Colorado has given their cops something more fun to do than issue speeding tickets: shooting coyotes with paintballs. Killing a coyote would increase the population by spurring breeding amongst the stronger, healthier remaining ones. Paintballs, however, just hurt like shit and make the coyotes more scared of roaming around where people are. Police are warning residents to keep their own paintball equipment locked up, because once the coyotes start shooting back, leaving highly-visible pink paintball marks on the police officers, problems will increase exponentially.

Steampunk UK Firemen!

Firemen in the UK have gotten awesome new enclosed helmets, which some compare to Empire Stormtroopers' helmets, but I think the metallic bronzeyness makes them look like steampunk robots. Anyhow, these are awesome, and cheap: under $300 each. Vacuform Stormtrooper armor will cost you about as much!

Nonoxynol-9: Bad?

Here's something I did not know: Spermicide and germicide Nonoxynol-9 has the risk of making AIDS worse, because it's not hard-proven to kill the virus, and it's a harsh chemical that may make it easier to infect a woman with AIDS by irritating her nether-bits. Which, strangely, gives a little more credence to the Pope's argument, but not his solution. Now you know - and knowing is half the battle. Usual caveats: condoms and spermicide are better than nothing, so don't be an ass and tell the woman you should go bareback because condoms kill people, because it shows just what stupid fuck you are. Don't do what the Pope wants you do to - that's crazy-talk!

Spy Camera!

This is a very smart option: mount a USB cam in a wall wart, and you've got a plausible hiding place for a spy camera. Nobody will question a wallwart with a cable running over to a computer - but they're being broadcast to the world over the internet. Smart!

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