Posts Tagged 'Toys'

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Figurines and Dolls!

See, here, dear readers, this is why I get paid the big bucks: to uncover weird corners of the sexual internet for you. This is something I've run across way too often to overlook. Today, we're talking about men who play with Anime dolls. Not the lifesize RealDoll crowd, but little, Barbie-doll sized ones.

OK, Japan is weird to begin with, so it's no surprises that sexually explicit figurines are a common thing over there. They love their hardcore anime, so why not have little statuettes and action figures of your favorite cartoon whores?

Yes, that's a bookshelf figurine, approximately 1/8 scale, but the tits look about 1:1 for most normal adults. But, hey, you've got fully grown men buying these things, so you have to trust their sensibilities when producing your product. I'm sure, ladies, when you first go to a guy's apartment and see shelves and shelves of these figures - with their clothes temporarily on, of course, the guy's not a sleeze - you might want to give a little more thought to your opinion of the guy. If you're on the same page when it comes to tiny women with huge breasts, by all means, you're exactly the gal he's looking for.

Of course, you can't just leave sexy little naked figurines like that alone. When it comes to fan-created pornographic video, the "cumming on figurines" crowd are some of the most enthusiastic and productive group of 'em, as their Reddit club shows guys love orgasming on miniature women.

As you might guess, having a immovable and unresponsive statuette isn't nearly as fun as if you could pose them. Here comes the next step in the doll worship continuum: the ball-joint doll, or BJD.

Sorry for the nightmare fuel; that's what a plain unembellished one looks like. The fun is getting to build your own, choosing clothing, hair, and even different body parts to fit your particular needs in a jointed tiny woman doll. Volks is the premiere maker of these dolls, but several other companies are also in the market:

I looked around for pictures of men cumming on a BJD (such an exciting life I lead), but they're not as common. The appeal of moving into jointed sex doll territory is this magic of modern technology:

This isn't just a standalone toy, though: it is designed to use the modularity of the BJD mannequins, replacing the fun parts that you want soft and sexy while leaving the rest of the ladyparts on a 1/8th scale to a normal-sized human.

And, yes, it does look about as much fun as you might think:

Really makes a small penis look downright intimidating, doesn't it? All of this is peripherally related to koonago, literally "small lady", or "shrinking woman" pornography. There's a degree of domination, of course - which should make it no surprise that giant-woman-small-man is significantly more common - and on the further edges having a tiny woman crosses over into vore territory, but that's a bit beyond the scope of today's discussion. The thing that impressed me most about this affection for tiny women is that it has little to do with youth - it teeters on the edge but never quite goes there - and is more about an actual tiny adult women facing off against a giant penis. And who isn't turned on by that?

Sex Toy Empire!

I'm sure Steve Buscemi is very interested in the lead in next season's breakout sex-comedy-drama series, Sextoy Empire, but I just haven't found the funding to start filming yet. At the very least, LA Magazine has a feature explaining just what makes the Doc Johnson team tick. Think about this though - Doc Johnson rose out of a rinky-dink plastic molding operation that "had been pouring rubber fishing lures, Halloween masks, and maybe ten different dongs that came in several sizes." That company that makes the wiggly purple worms with glitter in them? Rubber penises might be a sizeable part of their business model. Think on that for a while.

Republican Butt Plugs!

As if Republicans don't already have a collection of these already, some pollster has recognized the look of Republican candidate graphs and decided to make butt plugs out of 'em. Strangely, the Bachmanns and the Santorums get the smallest of 'em, when they deserve the biggest, so go figure.


DIY Tattoo Gun!

Need to get a tattoo, but unable to procure the funds or locate a licensed and safe tattoo artist? Make a jailhouse tattoo gun yourself, and get a tattoo in the safety of your own bathroom.


Vibrator Alarm Clock!

I'm not sure if this is terrifying, or if I should give the inventor a high-five. The "Little Rooster" Alarm Clock uses the most modern of technologies to rouse the females around us to wakefulness by slowly increasing the vibrating portion, which is installed upon her vulva before going to sleep. So, ladies be sleeping, and when the preapproved time arrives, the little plastic thing begins to vibrate...then some more...then some more...until she's either too annoyed to continue, or an orgasm or two have occured. They don't say just how customizeable it is, but all I gotta say is if you can sync it to Google Calendar, this will be the biggest selling vibrator ever.


IBM Clock!

You know, I figured that there must be something comparable for less than $200, but then I started looking and found that nobody makes anywhere near as awesome this clock. This looks just like every clock in school, and I totally want one. They keys are the curved glass front, and that cassic plain font. You just can't find that anymore.


Mechanical Bull!

Usually the people who hop on a mechanical bull are way too drunk, they're holding on for dear life, and they fall in the most spectacularly undignified way. The babe in this video, however, knows that when things start rocking, your hips need to just go with the flow:

Watch the video >>

Penis Gun!

People on Etsy are fucking crazy. They can make the weirdest shit into the weirdest other shit, and people pay money for it. Just look at this gallery of penisified sex toys available at Etsy. Yes, that cigar really is marketed as a dildo. In fact, a quick search for the word 'dildo' on Etsy gets a BUNCH of results. The number of sexually frustrated people on Etsy must be enormous, but I probably could have figured that out anyways if I thought about it long enough.

Plus, it seems this week is turning into toy week here at RBT. It's still Masturbation Month for a couple days anyways!

Dildo of the Day!

Usually, in my world, the Dildo of the Day is the biggest dumbass I encounter each day during my path through life, but it turns out that there's a more productive daily dildo. The Dildo of the Day Store offers daily specials on dildos, giving you a chance to buy random penis surrogates at a reasonable price. If there's one thing I've always been saying to Gracie, it's that Woot doesn't have enough rubber cocks. It's always nice when somebody fills a void. With a dildo. So to speak. Via.

Nitroglycerine Condom!

Here you go, limpy: a condom with an erection-sustaining paste, so that while the condom may reduce a little sensitivity, your cock is gonna stay nice and hard. The active ingredient is trademarked Zanifil, but theactive ingredient is glyceryl trinitrate. Yes, it's motherfucking nitroglycerine. If Mr. Nobel knew that his favorite explosive would be giving women orgasms left and right, the past recipients of the Nobel Prize would be far boobier than they actually have been. Thanks, modern prophylactic science, for making my penis' nickname, "Boom Goes The Dynamite", a little more true with every passing day.

Nightmare Masturbator!

Rounding out the concept of nightmare masturbators (previously), here's one right out of a Lovecraftian hell-hole. This repulsive, anomalous, blubbery, numbing globe...this webbed, wan rheum...this four-way masturbator looks like a shoggoth appendage, full of teeth everywhich way you'd hope to stick your dick into it. Even though it is clearly teethless, I'd fear for the total annihilation of any sanity that I hope to retain after depositing my seed into such an unimaginable, polypous ichor. It's not just a three-way pussy; unholy scientific experimentation has developed this into an object with pussies from various ages, simultaneously existing as maiden, mother and crone. The asshole stays the same throughout life, apparently, or else we'd have a Lovecraftian thing with not only three pussies, but three anuses as well. I'm beginning to lose touch with reality just imagining such a zymotic blasphemy of a gelatinous vulva. Found at Sex-Kitten, of course.

PS: I'm not smart enough to do the Lovecraft shit on my own - I got it from here.

Bring Me Her Head!

I am not a fan of sex with disembodied person-parts (although I guess I should rethink what exactly a dildo is), so buying a pornstar's head to fuck is kinda screwy. Bree Olson - one of Charlie Sheen's high-end sex toys - submitted to having a cast made of her head, so it could me molded in cyberskin and sold for men to stick their penises into. Well, not the whole head, just the front part, so it looks like a horrible industrial accident occurred during filming. Faces usually have their eyes wrong, but they're definitely messed up here - don't they know that she's supposed to be looking up? Straight ahead is kinda weird, like you're face-fucking a sexy robot or something.

Caption for the above photo: *removing mask* So you see, Mr. Bond, the existence of your busty assistant, Sucky McCocklover, was all a ruse - it was me, your evil enemy, the whole time! Want one of your own? Sexclectic has them, and their sample photos are just as creepy. Via.

1991 Porn!

This just makes me feel old - in 1991 I was running a BBS out of my apartment in the Cities, complete with u/d quotas in WWIV on my 286. Was that really 20 fucking years ago? Jesus, online porn really does waste your life away. Too bad I messed it up with a degree and a career and shit. Anyhow, Violet Blue remembers the horrible scourge of online pornography from the year 1991, which means that you parents out there freaking out about your kids and online porn, you were just as big a pornhoarder at 14.4K, so get over it. You, BBSers of 1991, had the benefit of parents who had no clue what was on the computer and nobody was advertising 'porn addiction counseling'. Today, everybody's so worried about porn you can't shake a stick without hitting somebody who thinks that everyone else masturbates too much. Such a sad world. 1991, LORD, xmodem, and bigass long distance bills for Fidonet were an idyllic and pastoral world for online porn that are lost forever. Hold on, my three torrents of Sweet Honey Holes I, II, and IV just finished; sadly, nobody's seeding III.

Wolf Knife!

The perfect gift for a 15-year old is, of course, a knife. But not just any knife, though - the kind of knife that gives the wielder the power of three wolves. Then the 15-year-old will pass it on, completing the Circle Of Wolves, a tradition dating back millenia. Or, he'll just make a joke of it that'll last the better part of a decade. Either way, it's full of win.

Big Boy Prostate Massager!

Maybe I'm reading in the wrong places, but there's just not a lot of talk about vibrators for men. Pumps and fleshlights, shit yeah, but not the male analog of the hoppin' rabbit. Those go under the analytical name "prostate massager", and my guess Reason #1 is because it goes in the butt, people are squicky about it. I'll even admit: years ago I used a regular vibe on my prostate, and it was awesome, but it's still a bit embarrassed to admit it. The awesomness of it should disperse the embarrassment, so here I am, telling you guys to try it sometime. Reason #2 people aren't talking about them: they're fucking Scary looking. I'm talking about it today because it came across my newsreader that UK company Rocks-Off has a new one called the Big Boy

Now, before you shit yourself in fear, they've got two smaller versions, the Rude Boy and the Naughty Boy, but I doubt they made the bigger version simply to disappoint people. Now, the #3 Reason people probably aren't talking about it is because they think that butt play is gay. Seriously, guys, gay is about sexual attraction to men - give your favorite woman the vibe, show her how to use it on you, and then let her go to town. Then you tell me how gay it is, I'm just sayin'.

More Phone Testicles!

Your iPhone needs balls? Yes, somebody thinks your phone needs balls. Those truck testicles were mildly amusing the first time I saw, it's a little played out to attach two tiny testicles to every little piece of electronics you own. Seriously, with these, every time you talk on the phone Apple's balls are going be bouncing off your chin. You know, just like any other time you buy Apple's shit. Three grand for a laptop? Seriously, drop to your knees and deepthroat goddamn Steve Jobs already. BTW, the iPad II is out, so those of you who spent $600 six months ago got screwed. Maybe your iPad can teabag your stupid face next time you're trying to load a Flash website. via.

Awesome Cards!

When I was in high school I carried around a deck of cards in my letterman jacket; we played bullshit before school, in study hall, after lunch, and my deck got the crap beat out of it so I had wrapped it in masking tape. If I had this awesome 'deckONE' deck of cards, people might have been more careful with my cards, and the '25% thicker' box probably would have stood up better. Even still, the deckONE looks more like a 'special occasion' deck of cards, for when Professor Moriarty, Captain Nemo, that Steamboy kid, and the Matrix stop by for canasta.

Miss Splatterhouse!

There's a super-gory videogame out called Splatterhouse, and part of their promotion they got one of the charaters to pose naked for Playboy. No shit, she's a computer-generated naked woman. Those ITT commercials need to put this stuff in their commercials: "I was a fucking loser before going to ITT, and now I spend all day rendering realistic nipples for videogames. There is a god!"

Review of the game, and the centerfold at, however I've got a larger scan of the "Miss Splatterhouse" centerfold here.

Best Toys!

It's 2010, it's been a whole freakin' decade since Y2K, and it's been a good ten years for sex toys. The Metro has picked out the best toys of the decade, although most debuted only in the past year or so. The collective sex-toy memory is a short one; a decade is a loooong time. The rabbit vibrator, however, will probably be #1 on lots of toy lists for years to come, no matter how improved Roxxxy becomes.

Sex Robot!

Finally, Bell Labs produces something to make a better world. Debuting at AVN this weekend, Roxxxy the robot has artificial intelligence and is able to fuck you the way you really want it: cold and creepy. The technology is still growing - it has to start somewhere - because, remember those old cellular phones? You gotta start with a StarTAC before you can get to an iPhone, and somewhere in the middle people are going to tell you it's giving you brain cancer whenever you use it. Sex robots have the same path to roll down before they reach their maturity as a product and become something douchebags buy to prove that they're cooler than you, and despite that you secretly want one even though you don't know what you'll do with it.

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