Posts Tagged 'Theft'

Sex Toys Stolen!

What more heinous thing could happen than this? Several cars are broken into in one neighborhood, but one person had more than just CDs and pens from banks in their car: this woman had $500 in sex toys stolen from her trunk. Of course, they weren't "her" sex toys - they were for somebody else's bachelorette party.... riiiiighhhttt..... but if it was a bunch of stuff, it probably was really a bachelorette party. If she was doing right, $500 in good sex toys isn't really a whole lot. You can get a whole lot of stupid penis-shaped straws and blow-up sheep for $500, and it's no wonder it lived in her car. Nobody leaves the good stuff that far out of reach.


Porn Collection Stolen!

Tragedy has struck the porn collecting community. Earlie Johnson...wait..really...'Earlie'?...anyway, Mr. Johnson arrived home one day to find his house had been robbed. Electronics and other valuables were missing, but the true tragedy was discovered when Earlie realized over seven thousand dollars of porn had been taken. That value was arrived at when Johnson brought his collection on PBS' Antiques Roadshow, and was given the value by those two creepy twin dudes. Anyhow, Johnson believed himself to be the most prolific collector of porn in all of Michigan, something to be proud of when you're a big black guy named "Johnson". The porn still hasn't turned up, so Earlie will have to just get his porn for free on the internet like the rest of us now.