Posts Tagged 'Fashion'

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Spray-On Clothes!

Scientists have developed spray-on clothing that conforms to the body's every curve, and can be peeled off, washed, and reworn. The company, Fabrican, has chosen the least appealing photo in the world for their page header, but seems to be the real deal. The video on the Guardian page shows them spraying the shirt right on to a buff guy, but I don't think this has much application beyond dressing sexy people. "Sorry, Cletus, but you'll need to hold on. I need to get another jug of pants from the basement. Your 56-inch waist is taking a bit more than I expected." Think about it: sweatpants are curve-conforming enough on a 56-inch waist: imagine that in a completely skintight version. Dear god, it'll make you go blind. (via)

Jeggings On Men!

This fucking explains everything you need to know about guys wearing jeggings: "All the guys here wear jeggings," chirped a helpful American Eagle saleslady. "My gay friends wear them with their Uggs." What you've got here is what happens when you let a Esquire writer try the most unholiest fashion faux-pas and then photograph him doing it. Jesus christ, look at it for yourself:

Yeah, ladies, that's a guy who not only doesn't fit his jeans, but wears blue-bumblebee-striped sweaters out in public.

So, here's the thing, if you didn't figure it out yet: skin tight clothes suck. They fit you funny, they don't protect you from the elements, and they're what fashion-retarted gay men wear with Uggs. If a fashion-retarded gay man is wearing them, just how fashion-retarded are you gonna look, Mr. Boob Afficianado? Seriously, if Conan fucking O'Brien thinks you're funny looking, you're bottom-of-the-barrel, Mr. Meggings. Here, go buy some Dickies with a socially-conscious charity involved, and give up on that jeggings bullshit.

Woolie Fetish!

Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful, and since we're fucking while wearing three layers of sweaters and longjohns, we're woolie fetishists! Sure, LowTax will bust your ass for doing it, but as far as fetishes go, it's relatively low on the perv scale, and G4 - who, unsurprisingly, are up on their fetish heirarchy - wants you to know it's part of a continuum of enclosing clothing fetishes. See also Bruno's woolie nude Berlin show.

Implants: Awesome!

OK, I'm no fan of breast implants (mostly it's mis-proportioned or poorly done implants that are the problem), but I can't argue against the people who love implants. Like, for instance, women with implants who have improved self esteem because of it. Remember, guys: if she got implants for herself, who gives a fuck what you think.

No Uglies!

We all know you put on a couple pounds in that month between Thanksgiving and New Years', but we can't punish you for that. Well, we can't, but the dating website is going to boot your ass for being a fattie. "Existing members were asked to decide if they were still pretty enough to be part of the website," and had to upload new pictures of themselves, but out of five thousand only a couple hundred were still enough of a hottie to stay. The rest were invited to re-apply when they've burned off that Hannukah heft and can be evaluated by a team of experts to prove they're not ugly anymore.

Jeans Better Than Sex!

According to a new survey, a third of women fantasize about fitting into their sexy jeans more than getting fucked by George Clooney. Granted, the study was done by Special K, whose business model has a little more to do with being fat than banging Clooney, so the results might be a little skewed. Real honest-to-god science, however, is done by testing both outcomes, alongside a placebo -- so you need a test group that gets to fit in their jeans, a test group that gets to fuck George Clooney, and a placebo group that gets neither (or gets a poor replacement, like ill-fitting jeans and the chance to fuck Shadoe Stevens) and then see which the women like more. I'm-a thinking the Clooney cock will win out in the end (I'm sure Clooney would think so, too), but in the imaginations of SpecialK-eating women who answer surveys, those jeans have a leg up.

She Got Legs!

Scientists have put their efforts to good use and determined middling-sized legs are the most attractive. Out of proportion in either direction - not just short, but long, too, I'm looking at you, Rob Liefeld - and the attractiveness goes down. What's average length? I'm not sure, but grandpa always said it was when the legs were long enough to touch the floor. I'm still trying to figure that one out.

Snuggie Retro!

The seventies were fucking awesome - this whole Snuggie shit is a cheap replacement for what we had back in the seventies. The Bundler were full-body fleece onesies for adults, like the ones I wore when I was 5. Mine had shitty plastic feet that slid around on the linoleum, but if these Bundlers had that, I totally wish my mom bought these and put them in a time capsule for me to unearth today and slide around on the kitchen floor for a few hours. The only problem: there's no feasible way to fuck while wearing a Bundler. Hell, there's no easy way to use the bathroom in one. No wonder they didn't last.

Converse Boots!

I love Converses, I love OD jungle boots, and now you can get all in one with these fancy-shmansy Converse jungle boots. For the price, I'd stay the fuck away from mudpuddles with them, but they look like they're for tromping through the underbrush.

What You Drink!

Most online lists are shit, but this one made me laugh out loud, so here it is: what your liquor of choice says about you. Wild Turkey: I am our 23rd President, Andrew Jackson. History jokes are the fucking bomb. Don't encourage them, though: online lists suck, seriously.

Dress Like Fight Club!

Finally, something on men's fashion that doesn't look uncomfortable and stupid: How To Dress Like Fight Club, via Mark Ecko. The best thing on there: that down-filled winter vest. When I was younger, back when they first came out, I had one of those puffy blue down-filled coats and it was awesome; somewhere in the basement, I have a vintage 70s racing jacket, also puffy and filled with something warm. Stay away from the Thinsulate, guys, it just doesn't have the same effect.

Cone Bras!

Cone bras are coming back, according to something called a "John Lewis" (in Cockney rhyming slang I bet that means "Wal-Mart"). Sales of conical bras are up 33%, meaning women are feeling more perkier about their breast supports these days. All I can say is that the breasts seen in early 60s films are some of the greatest boobage in history: I sure hope those 33% in new shoppers are buying tight sweaters with their new bra acquisitions.

Hot Priest Vestments!

At first glance, I wonder why Catholics are posting female models in priest garb, but then I remembered that Anglicans have no problem hiring babes to teach the Bible. So it's no surprise designer Maria Sjodin wants to wrap those hot clergy in something befitting their babalicious nature. Oh, Sweden, you know just how to get guys back into church:

Golf Bra!

As if there's ever a reason to avoid hobby convergence: what happens when you put a person's two favorite things together? Boobs and golf = the removable putting green bra! Not only does it involve both boobs and golf, it talks, telling you that you made a 'good shot' if you get a hole in one - which is usually what's running through your head when removing a bra equals a 'hole in one', so to speak.

Pattinson Panties!

I'm sure, if you're here looking for porn, you're a Twilight fan - it only makes sense, right? - so here's an opportunity to purchase the greatest Twilight fashion accessory ever: Robert Pattinson underwear. They're handmade, and purposefully designed so that sparkly vampire's puckered lips are right against your cunt. Not only are they attractive, they're functional!

Vulva Jewelry!

This is what Georgia O'Keefe would produce if she were a sculptor instead of a painter: tiny vulva necklaces!. It's only the start, though: the SexSF post has a multitude of Etsy art themed around woman's body parts. I can absolutely say this is the only place in the universe you'll see the words "Frida Kahlo uterus plushie" together. Amazing.

Sex = Richer!

Ohmigod - and if a researcher said it, it must be true! The Evening Standard reports that you make more money if you jump from sex monthly to sex weekly, essentially doubling your income with a four-fold increase in sexual activity. I mean, here's the solution for our economy, because if - oh, wait a god damned second. When I went from no sex to Gracie-sex, my income didn't budge - here's what's going on: Going from monthly-sex to weekly-sex makes you as happy as doubling your income. AS HAPPY AS. Fucking London reporter can't read the god damned study right, getting everybody's hopes up, I'm so depressed I think I need to go have my daily sex, which is another 7x as often as once a week, which makes me practically a fucking millionare.

Shorter, Plumper, Fertile-r!

Finally, proof that society is coming to its senses: the woman of the future will be shorter, curvier, and more fertile than the tall, thin woman of today. 'Thank god' is my response - I'll admit, even a lot of the women I post here are too thin for my tastes - curvy, but not obese, is my pleasure. The fertile thing, eh, not so much, but that usually has a positive effect on the libido. The article says it's hard to tell if the change is cultural or biological, but my amateur scientific analysis is: if we're doing so much to defeat reproduction, the more fertile women are going to be the ones who reproduce, the women who get pregnant on the pill or whose body defeats the rhythm method in its inconsistency, thus producing more sexy, fertile women whose bodies are going to defeat contraceptives, too.

Firefighter Wet T-Shirts!

The uniforms of the Australian fire department have been upgraded from traditional blue to high-visibility orange. Problem is, the new shirts are sheer enough that they become transparent when wet. The guy firefighters don't have much of a problem; the female firefighters, on the other hand, do have trouble with the wet t-shirts (although my guess is the guys don't have a problem with that, either). Solution: Facebook petition! That totally always works, rather than bringing the problem to supervisors or to city officials. The Facebook petition may have accomplished something: higher-ups have said newer shirts will be thicker and have breast-pockets, to reduce embarassing nipple exposure. Watch for the old shirts at the nearest Coyote Ugly bar.

Be Schrute!

Awesome and a half: here's how to dress like Dwight Schrute from the Office. If you saw the Jimnpam Wedding episode, you'll see that Dwight had worn the infamous three wolves shirt in order to pick up the ladies - and it fucking worked. The show's a freakin' documentary, so you know it's absolutely true. Dress like Dwight, and you'll tap more ass than a one-legged man at an ass-tapping contest. Wait, what?

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