German police have a new part to their uniform: the so-called "bullet-proof bra". It's not bullet-proof on its own; it's designed to be worn underneath a bulletproof vest, to prevent bra-related injuries that might occur if a woman was shot in the chest while wearing a unisex bulletproof vest. All I can imagine is the premium hot chicks will pay to have bras with "POLIZEI" embroidered across the bottom. Hold on, let me reflect on that image for a while...

Adbusters says: hipsters are destroying Western civilization. Manufactured and devoid of meaning, but reflected the shallow consumerism foisted upon us through media. Eh, it makes it easier to tell the cool people from the lame ones: check their shirts for a clothing brand-name printed out in huge letters across their chest, and that's a pretty easy clue.

Shorts to work? Not if you wear a jacket and tie with it, otherwise you guarantee you look like an jackass. I'm not talking about shorts and a polo shirt; that can look OK. But, shorts are never part of a suit ensemble. And, look, you made me use the word "ensemble". Shorts and a short-sleeved shirt with a collar: fine. Shorts with two layers on top: retarded. Shorts with a tie: retarded. Shorts with a long-sleeved shirt: retarded. Shorts with long socks: retarded. Shorts with a long-sleeved shirt, jacket, tie, and long black socks: good god, you're going to get your ass kicked when I get there.

Tad and Molly at the Times Online chit-chat about men wearing makeup -- verdict? Molly: "what women want is men who are stylish without being vain."

Apparently, there's a niche and need for "men's makeup". Dave Navarro and Marilyn Manson are about the only two guys who can pull it off, and that's because either one of them can kick your fuckin' ass twice before you hit the ground. The rest of you guys? Put down the mascara, have a whiskey coke, watch a movie about racecars or outer space, and then you can have your man-card back. Christ, if you're objective is to look more feminine than your girlfriend, you're missing the point.

Since we're talking about feet and I've got shoes on my mind -- If you're out shopping for some ass-kicking kick-ass boots, promise me you won't pull any of this bullshit:These are Gucci boots, priced at $990 at Nieman Marcus. Yes, they're in the men's shoes section, even though they look like cast-offs from a Joan Jett video. Nearly a freaking grand for some ugly ass boots. No, those buckles are useless -- they zip on the side away from the camera (although, according to Gucci, the buckles are "antiqued", which means "I'm pretending to look like someone who actually wears boots with buckles"). So, let's add it up -- four fucking buckles, laces up the front, and it zips. Two of the buckles apparently hold down a flap over the laces, which isn't such a bad idea, if these were practical boots in any sense.Here's what you need to do if these even remotely appeal to you: go to a store that sells boots, ask for "engineer boots", and try them on until you find ones that fit. The single buckle over the ankle doesn't make for a great fit, so try on a bunch. Some will feel like galoshes, really wide around the ankle and toes, but if you sample enough you'll find the right ones for you. Engineer boots are all relatively similar in construction, but the soles are probably one of the big things to check -- some have really smooth bottoms, some have waffle soles. The boots hold your ankle relatively stiff, so a smooth sole might be too slippery for some floors. If the fifty dollar ones fit, great, if the $200 ones fit, good for you. If anyone tries to sell you thousand dollar boots with "antiqued" buckles slapped on all over, kick them in the crotch.

Until I catch the eye of manufacturers and start getting review samples, I feel like I'm stuck giving obvious information. Still, looking at the "men's fashion" blogs out there (which are still stuck in metrosexuality, it seems) are missing the average guy's fashion, stuff that doesn't cost a couple hundred bucks and you'd cry if you spilled anything on it because the label says the poufy shirt can only be hand-washed by eunuch monks of outer mongolia. So, here's my fashion tip, which evolves from a guy getting dressed in the morning.See, it's summer, but my fashion doesn't change much: jeans, t-shirt, whatever socks sorta match; Gracie says my socks don't match, but they're black and the same length, and that's close enough. In other footware news, last year I bought a pair of brown leather bowling-style shoes whose looks improve the more scuffed up they get. However, they're leather, my feet are sweaty, so I dug out my summer footwear -- Chuck T All-Stars by Converse:In my dad's generation, these were pretty much all you had, aside from what we'd call 'dress' shoes today. Black or white were the poor kid's versions, but if your dad had a good job, you might be able to get red or blue ones, but that'd be a stretch (dad wouldn't want to spoil you, you know). By the time I was a kid, they were retro, and my parents bought me Chuck Ts of my own. Sadly, I was a poor kid, too, so I got the discount-rack Converse that were, for the most part, the previous year's 'special edition' monstrosities (like these from this year). One year, I got All-Stars with Rolling Stones lips all over them, another year they had thicker treads and were billed as 'outdoorsman' Chuck Taylors. When I got my own money, I went for the best kind of All-Stars: Black. They were what guitarists, artists, mechanics, and pizza delivery guys wore. Yeah, I wasn't aspiring to high-income careers, but style isn't about looking like a million dollars. That's what the fashion blogs are missing -- looking like the somebody you want to be.So, for years I've always had a pair of Chuck Ts in my closet, not to wear to work (it's asking to lose a toe), but for knuckling around in. I also picked up a pair of white All-Stars, just for a little variety and a half-assed attempt at acting like I pick my shoes to match my outfit. Last week I picked up my paycheck wearing the black All-Stars, and the hot tattooed chick at work complimented me on my footwear -- scuffy leather bowling shoes, no reaction, but All-Stars, they did the trick.

As I've mentioned before, I'm a crappy dresser in the summer. Pretty much everything in my closet is described as "rugged," which keeps me from having to replace things every month, but it doesn't keep me all that cool in the summer. I used to end up wearing jeans all summer anyway, just because I'm not big on shorts and they fit me well. So, when we combine the degree of heat-containing clothes I wear on a regular basis, it looks like I'm just begging to get heatstroke. Last summer, however, I found a couple pairs of these on a sale rack in the fall, and I'm noticing I'm wearing them on weekends quite a bit:They look like the khaki slacks that I wear for special occasions, but they're not quite -- chinos are a breed closer to work slacks, and they're made of a bit heavier fabric than your average trousers...which makes them feel more like jeans. Don't get the front-pleat crap: you're not pretending they're dress slacks, so don't go that route, and like I usually say, get functional-sized pockets, not those worthless small slit-in-the-side pockets that they put in most slacks. When I tried them on I found them to be more relaxed than slacks, too, which makes them more comfortable for summer wearing. I still wear one of my work-style shirts with them, cuz thankfully I don't own any of those knit polo shirts like in the above picture; they're always too tight around the neck and sleeves, I just can't wear 'em. The button-down shirt with a square bottom is great for the summer, because they can be worn untucked, and the collar plus khaki pants look fancier than they really are. And I don't feel bad about wearing them to mow the lawn.

Man, once upon a time the world was a great place, where you could walk around with a hot chick on your chest and nobody cared about it. Well, at least with this example from Retro Thing it wasn't like the babe was visible, but you knew it was there, and that's all that mattered:

I started out looking for something specific, but wound up with a generic thought on shirts. I've had some great work shirts, some really crappy work shirts, so I was looking for what's the big difference between the good work shirts I've had and the nice ones guys get at Macy's. When I see a guy walking down the street, there's a certain feel for a workman's shirt versus a dress shirt; collar and cuffs aside, here's what you've got to work with:

1. Neutral, cool monochromatic vertical stripes. Bright horizontal stripes are for rugby players and high-end auto mechanics; vertical, cool stripes are for a mechanic who works in a garage that both pumps gas and contains a 50-year-old man's nickname in the title. They should be thin and monochromatic, nothing distracting. Note that's 'monochromatic:' alternating with white or black is OK, but not quite right. All blue, all gray, all green, different shades of a single color works best.
2. Two button-down breast pockets. If you even get a pocket in a dress-shirt, it's non-functional unless you keep a pretty booger-rag folded up in there (also non-functional, as I learned the hard way). work shirts have big, utilitarian breast pockets.
3. Square bottom. If you wear it untucked and it has a big flap over the butt, it's not a workshirt. Leave it untucked if the environment calls for it.

Things to avoid:

1. Polyester. I know, it's lighter for summer work, and if your shop buys you the work shirts it might be their only choice -- here, we're buying for fashion, so take some time to find something comfortable. Thread counts are low in work-shirts, and the higher the poly percent, the worse it'll feel. If you look around, 50/50 blends are out there, but 65/45s aren't too bad...when you get above 70/30, in my experience they get shiny and itchy.
2. Country pointy-pockets / mother-of-pearl snaps. The cowboy thing isn't all its cracked up to be, and the style has become such a poser wanna-be look that it's to be avoided at all cost. Trust me, if a genuine working rancher has mother-of-pearl snaps on his shirt, it's his one go-to-town-and-meetin' shirt, and the rest of the stuff in his closet is designed to be beat all to crap.
3. Stuff with other people's names/businesses embroidered on it. I'm sure it's fun to be all "Edgy" and "Ironic" to wear a factory-reject work shirt you found at the consignment store identifying yourself as Bud from Clem's Amoco, but it doesn't make it so. You're as bad as the guys whose shirts say they play for the Aeropostale baseball team. Nobody's impressed.
4. Epaulets or pleated breast-pockets. Not sure why they put them on some work-shirts; they make you look like an off-duty cop. Go smooth, simple, casual.

Since I like to point out frugality: these shirts usually run for less than $20 a pop; show some blue-collar chic and save some scratch, and you can look like you do some work once in a while.

Summer's here, and if you're like me, you have two issues: the heat makes you sweat, and you hate to wear shorts. My gal, without fail, asks me if I want to change into shorts when she sees me wearing jeans in the summer. No, I do not want to change into shorts. I have a pair of jeans cut off at the knee that pass for shorts when necessary, but otherwise, no thank you.However, there is a point when either plain blue-jeans aren't fancy enough, or working outdoors for a while means even the blue starts to suck up too much sunlight. Plain khaki slacks are OK (they're usually light enough), but I just found these jeans -- er, 'dungarees' -- that are light colored, are still sturdy enough for work, and don't look like you just clocked out of your accounting job. The Carhartt pants below don't bother to try and hide the double-knee design, which makes them look all the more resilient. And, if you do wear them to work, you're not going to rip out the knees as fast: come on, guys, torn knees stopped being cool in the late 80s, so stop walking around like you're on your way to a Skid Row concert.I've seen lighter colors online, if you dig around -- most places just have the tan above and a darker color (blue or black). They also got extra-big pockets for guys with big mitts like me, and they have boot-sized leg openings (regular jean companies call them 'relaxed fit'). They're a little on the spendy side by my gauge, but I'm a cheap-ass when it comes to clothes, and I guess $50 is a pretty good price for a well-made pair of pants. I need to stop buying the $19.99 crap jeans at KMart anyways.

The welding jackets I've seen and used before mostly looked like high school letter jackets -- cloth torso, leather sleeves, usually two different colors. Which was fine, they did their job, and after a few months the sleeves had pinpricks of black all over them. Now, I find they've got some kick-ass black welding jackets:The biggest thing that pisses me off about these jackets is that the manufacturers put their logos all over them; free advertising, I guess -- but these guys have ones with less logo (just an embossed one) that could pass for less lame than the one above. I used the picture of the one above from Tillman/Onyx because it shows how the jacket fits better. As a fan of straight lines, I think welding jackets are excellent. They have a short collar, seams reinforced and hidden as much as possible, and the sleeves don't taper at the wrists. The buttons down the front are (or just look) a little off-center, to cover up the opening better, and the pockets are usually big enough to accommodate a gloved hand. They're also a bit longer than a lot of other black leather jackets, so while they look kinda like a motorcycle jacket, they're looser and cover the belt line, and have a more casual look...plus they'll fit guys like me, with a little waist, better. They're a little heavier than your average leather jacket, so it's probably getting too warm for them now that summer's here, but you might want to save your pennies and have one ready for cool fall weather.

Some wannabe comedian wrote the 18 Tenets of Manliness for MSN's Men's Lifestyle section (an oxymoron to begin with). The list kinda sucks, in that pretensious, "hey, babe, sleep with me, I'm not a fratboy" fratboyness of a twentysomething who can't get laid. The real thing to read, though, is the response at Fark to the article. They manage to show exactly what a man is: less worried about what makes for manliness, and more interested in calling other people a douchebag. The era of the Man Law is here!

I've been trying to add some men's fashion commentary to this site: sure, show pictures of some fine ass, but then let guys know what to do to get their hands on some of that ass in the real world. However, men's fashion today sucks. On one hand, you've got the self-referential kitsch of Kool-Aid-Man t-shirts and paisley big-collared dress shirts; on the other end, fine suits and shoes with tassels. If you'll remember, the official name of this blog is "Sex is a Red-Blooded Thing," and men's fashion seems to be straying away from the red-blooded, blue-collar American vein. Even cowboy gear is frilly and flamboyant 90% of the time; have we so soon forgotten about how women swoon over a guy who can fix her car or build a bookshelf?Enough with the manifesto shit -- today, we meet one of my favorite shirts: Dickie's 1574. I had three of these (from an old job), blue, with my name embroidered over the left breast pocket and a line of stains across it right above where it tucks into my pants. I did save one of them, keeping it stain-free as much as possible, and it's my favorite for getting- dressed- up- without- being- dressed- up.The douche in the picture looks like he wouldn't know one hammer from another, but he's got the shirt thing right: plain white Hanes underneath, so you don't pit the shirt out and you don't look like you're showing off your chest hair due to that low top button. Button-down breast pockets are the sure thing to look like you drive something that beeps when it backs up.

If I had a hairy face, I imagine I'd play with it all the time: running my fingers through it, caressing it lovingly, twirling it like some mad scientist. I'd heard of moustache brushes, but I didn't really think of them as fashion until I saw this little doodad, a 'morning cup' moustache brush. I..well, um, I don't really get the whole 'cup' thing, but as a dangle on a chain it is striking. Just don't wear it if you're moustacheless. Then, the subtext is that you're volunteering to brush other people's facial hair, which is just a bit too creepy to be fashionable.via

If you're a bit color-impaired, don't worry, a lot of guys have that problem. Well, yeah, I know there's a lot of guys out there with design degrees, but you've got your Pantone swatches to compare to -- the rest of us need a little help. WearPalletes takes photos of nicely-dressed people, and posts a test-pattern set of color bars taken from the clothes pictured. Some of them strike me as ugly on the person, but the stripes show how the colors work. And, if you fancy yourself a designer, maybe there's something worthwhile to be found in the clothing colors of strangers on the street.Aside: speaking of Pantone colors: Pantone has released their fall color set, in time for fashion designers to design and produce their stuff in time to be on Wal-Mart's racks by June.

This thong has over a hundred thousand dollars worth of diamonds sewn into it -- the outside, of course, but if you're planning on dry-humping this model, it'll cut all the way through your jeans, your boxers, and leave your penis in a sore, sore state.

MIT, home of all things useful, has given some smart tips to build the basic wardrobe. What good would $500 wingtips do if you can't find a good, basic shirt? And, believe me, some nerds I've know look at fashion that way. The MIT fashion project plan is dry, simple, and explainitive, exactly what a logical and factual Vulcan of an MIT student can understand. Other than those Media Lab guys -- they're essentially art majors with long hair, huge pecs, and intriguing accents...no wonder they get laid all the time. Anyhoo, MIT is hoping that they can improve their students' images by giving them a list of how to dress. Both male and female students get advice from the list (although, as with the guys, the Media Lab gals are hard to improve...mrowwr!), but as any nerd porn afficianado can attest to, nerdy gals are far sexier than nerdy guys, on the same logarithmic Sexitude Scale, which was probably developed my some MIT student in the first place. Really, the list applies to anybody who has trouble figuring out what to wear in the morning, which accounts of about 80% of the single guys I know. With a little MIT advice, you can go from this:to this:And...er, wait -- which one was the 'before' picture? Crap, maybe it was the other way around. It's such a gray area...kinda like judging fine wine solely by the quality of the label. Sure, great wines can afford a real graphic designer, but some of the best wine comes in bottles made by the winery's grandson, liberally using the Papyrus font, but crappy wine in a...hmm....Talking about those Media Lab guys got me off topic, then I messed up the "Which John Hodgman is Sexier," and now I mixed up my wine metaphors. Good thing I can dress myself.

I found myself browsing some blog and was intrigued by some body-hugging clothes in a banner ad. Now, I'm not opposed to clicking an ad when it catches the eye, so I went and had a look. It's American Apparel's website for "one pieces". Now, at first glance I figured it was dance-wear or something for housewives to wear to Curves, but it seems fashion-sense has regressed to the eighties. Proper fashion now means women can wear just spandex and a skirt, thus exposing every curve while causing great delays in the ladies' room.Not that I have a problem with women's curves -- the website has a hot selection of naturally-shaped models.Personally, I'd much rather see a little belly through spandex than count every rib -- a little shape on a gal isn't a problem. It's also nice to be honest -- you squeeze an average gal into lingerie that looks great on a leggy 100lb, 5"3" model, and you're asking for trouble. Show that your sexy clothes look good on a less-than-supermodel body, and, well:HOLY FREAK ON A STICK she's hot. Don't get all mean on the un-perky boobs smooshed in spandex; that's proof you've never touched real breasts in your life. Ladies, stop trying to look all pointy and plastic -- it's not what gets us guys. Round, soft, beckoning, and slutty...that's what gets us up and ready.Now, for the quasi-porn: Go through any of the body-clinging products, and click the "More views" (or just click on the big picture). A new window will pop up with a series of photos of various models, each looking like the first photo of an amateur softcore porn set.Oh, she's sexy, and she's wearing clothes -- but not for long! The winner: the upper-right-hand-photo in the thong-unitard set. That ass needs to feel the touch of a strong man.Update: here's the banner ad:

At coffee break, an attractive curly-haired young man who just started in the shop entered the cafeteria and asked for help in running the high-tech coffee machine.

After he left, of course, the women at the table started commenting about him.

"I should dropped something, get him to bend over."

"He was cute, tall..."

"I don't know about that 'pubic hair' hairstyle..."

Pubic hairs are ALWAYS a conversation starter, right?

40something Conservative Woman said, "You know what? At bowling one of the girls has a deck of naughty playing cards...and every one of those men is shaved -- DOWN THERE. They cut their pubes, it's so gross."

Long-Haired Engineer says, "well, don't mention that around CR/LF --"

Conservative Woman responded, "oh, I know that he shaves his armpits..."

(that I do)

"...and he's the first thing I thought of when I saw those cards!"

Laughter abounded. Choking occured but tragedy was averted. And, now my pubic shaving habits are now the subject of speculation in the office. Long-Haired Engineer has christened me "Jack", after the jack of spades.