Posts Tagged 'Fashion'

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Steal Guy Clothes!

Ladies, you need to understand: when you wear guy clothes, is makes us hard. Very. The Frisky has a handy list of your boyfriend's clothes that you should steal and wear yourself. My interpretation: Jean Jacket: hot. Button-down work shirt: holy fucking shit that's hot. Plaid shirt: quite hot. The Boyfriend Jacket: Eh, just kinda hot. Sweatshirt: very hot. Old-Man Cardigan: Sorta h--wait, why are you dating a guy who wears an old-man cardigan? Does he have grandkids he loves to talk about? The one thing I'd like to add to their list, which has to be the hottest fucking thing known to man, is a woman wearing those waffle-fabric long underwear, underneath a pair of men's suspender overalls. I'm rock hard just thinking about it. Another note on, in particular, wearing your boyfriend's cardigan or blazer: in wearing either a conservative cardigan or a men's sport-coat, neither of which were cut for your frame, you run the risk of being mistaken for a theatre major or fashion-marketing major. Apply at your own risk.

Left-Handed Undies!

As if there weren't enough thing for left-handed people - special scissors, they switch their mouse around, an entire driving system in the UK - now they've got left-handed undies. Where will it stop?!? Somehow there's a degree of dexterity in penis-handling that a southpaw can't manage; I must be ambi-urine-ous, because I use either hand, depending on where I'm standing. Are these guys writing with their pee? That I could understand being a lefty issue. Just hitting the bottom of the urinal? I can do that no-handed half the time.

Boobs: Too Big!

Careful ladies: your boobs could get to be too big. That is, if you keep cramming inorganic materials to make them look unnaturally huge. I can totally agree with this: I look at a lot of porn, and there's clearly a lot of women with too-big boobs, which probably comes with a lot of back pain, tissue damage on the front, and an inability to have conversations with men that don't involve an "up here." If you're like 5'1", we can see your ribs through your skin, and the tiny nipples on your 32G breasts point upwards, you're doing it wrong. Just love your boobs the way God intended; I'd sure like to take that opportunity, too.

Guys Like Ratty Undies!

The Frisky wants to know why guys continue to wear underwear until it falls apart. My answer: because we can. And laziness. And cute boxers with cartoon characters all over them are expensive; I don't want to have to buy another Scooby Doo pair until these ones disintegrate. I have no particular attachment to any of them, except for the fact that I don't want to buy any more. And, I proudly point out that some are over ten years old, and there's nary a skidmark in any of them. That'd get them tossed out for sure.

Swedish Bra Explosion!

The Swedish army has a brassiere problem: the bras pop open during vigorous movement, and aren't fire-resistant. The fire resistant one is an important one, because nobody wants to see burned Swedish boobs, but the bra that lets boobies bounce freely titillates guys like me. Young Swedish soldiers undressing to refasten bras makes me want to enlist in their army. Nubile Scandinavian boobs and a chance to fly a Gripen? There's a reason Sweden is called heaven on earth; even the army is cooler than pretty much anywhere else in the world.

Butt Jean Ads!

Dude, Mexico is totally the awesomest place in the world. Look at these jeans they have, which make asses look like ASSES. Shit, all we get are push-up bras that make tits look awesome. Er, no, that's pretty good, too, let's keep those, but there's no reason why people south of the border can have something that we fine Americans are deprived of. This, people, is why we need NAFTA: fine Mexican ass jeans. Without it, our fashion model industry will be taken over by high-assed, cheaper illegal immigrants. It's coming, and it looks like three hours of squats a day.

No Wedding Ring!

No wedding ring for us yet, but I've been wearing my high school class ring for the last twenty years, so it sorta applies: These are the places it's OK to leave off your wedding ring, guys, and two of the four - around the house and while doing yard work - are plenty innocent, but taking off the ring at the gym and the strip club are definitely excuses to flirt a little more. Don't tell your wife that, though, because she won't understand, you know. Tell her the stuff about the weights and injuries, and, hell, don't even try telling her about the strip club if she's not invited.

Boob Job Needed?

Em & Lo ask, guys, is there ever a good reason for a woman to get a boob job? The answer is, no, but I like boobs. This does prove, however, that women get boob job for themselves, or because of comparison of other women, and not because they give a damn about men's opinions of their boobs. The "duh" moment there is that once nakedness starts happening, boobs size is low on the list of important things; sure, the touching, twisting, sucking, and fondling of said boobs is a rather high priority, but - dude! - you're touching boobs at that point, nobody cares how big they are.

Sluttiest AmAp Ads!

If you have seen American Apparel ads and wondered, "hey, these don't look as slutty as they could be," here's the ones you're looking for: the fifty hottest AA ads in history. Some are gimmies: if you remember, American Apparel hired pornstars to sexy their ads up more than they already were, which is a feat never before seen in human history. Makes you want to buy some tube socks right now, I tell you what.

Fancy Butt Eyes!

If you've ever wished a woman's ass would look back at you, you're in luck! A "scraggly-bearded grandpa" has designed pants that wink when she walks. It's more of a "damn, her pants are ill-fitting and wrinkle funny when she walks" put to good use, and, I mean, I can't complain about having an excuse to admire a woman's posterior. They also have movie-scene things, owls, and a lion, in case you really need an obnoxious way to attract attention with your butt.

Worst Male Products!

Holy fuck: you mean those ads in the back of True and Knight are real? The Art of Manliness takes on the role of Consumer Reports and lists the worst products for men ever created. I assume they did rigorous tests, because why would we still have an ass-insertable prostate vibrator if it didn't work great? However, I am absolutely certain they only reviewed these products based on the ad itself: that squirrel lamp is the awesomest thing in the fucking world. My house is full of those god-damned things, and what the ad doesn't tell you is that Michael's has a whole aisle of doll crap for you to dress your squirrel differently each time you make one. Mine are reenacting the assassination of William McKinley, and it is the best squirrel diorama I have ever seen. And it lights up. So fuck you, Art of Manliness, your yardstick of awesomeness sucks.

Dissolving Bikini!

You've probably heard about the so-called dissolving bikini. Well, somebody has tested it out, and it actually sorta works. It doesn't look like it "dissolves", exactly - no *poof*, bikini gone - but it does fall apart pretty quickly once it gets wet. Bonus: a couple minutes of sexy tits under water. Personally, I think I should sue: I had exactly this idea when I was 14 years old. (via)

Suntan Tattoo Panties!

For women who intend to show off their suntan lines to the man of their choice, these bikini bottoms make the experience a bit more entertaining (warning: site is in gibberish). A little cut-out makes a naughty suntanned heart on her ass, which of probably better than a little biohazard symbol, or an arrow pointing to her anus. Er, although I know women who would totally pay money for either of those suntan panties:



Unless I'm seeing the same stuff on several blogs, embroidered men's shirts seem to be the fashion this fall. Most are flowery and unmasculine, but the one below struck my fancy. Epaulets, a contrasting color for wear-lining at the collar and wrists, and - and this is key, guys: asymmetrical. Symmetrical at the shoulders: cowboy look. Symmetrical all the way down the chest: victorian-fop look. Just on the wrists or shoulders is subtle enough to be acceptable, but don't embroider that art-nouveau, french-curvey stuff all over, it looks lame.

Bad For Men!

The Frisky, usually more interested in women's issues, has compiled a list of 15 things that are hurting men. From Axe body spray commercials to bromances, I'd say this list is more of a "what stupid things are guys doing in the misguided belief that women enjoy it". A while back, somebody (rather speciously) blamed the skinny, "prepubescent-boy" look for women on the fact that the people in charge of fashion and the media were largely gay - and this might be the converse of that issue. We're making our women look and act like 14-year-old boys, men are supposed to look like flaming homosexuals all the time, and - for some unknown reason - those misguided women and men keep fucking each other despite how disappointingly stupid they look. You know, everyone: if you'd stop fucking people who look like they'd appeal more to a gay man, people wouldn't think that these fashion choices were successful. Case in point.

Guys: Pubic Shaving?

Or, er, make sure you shave. Lemondrop says don't do it, but the reader comments say that's a crock of shit. Asylum, on the other hand, says grooming is fine, but too meticulous is nuts, but the comments say, yes, greenskeeping is necessary. Me? I don't do anything down there; my dick takes care of itself. Maybe I need to start trimming a bit; no complaints so far, but, well, if she's concerned about your hairstyle down there, she might not be paying attention to the more important parts of the sexual encounter.

Unsexy T-Shirts!

I don't think anyone actually buys or wears these shirts (they do attract site visitors, though), like half of the crap in Spencer's, but Lemondrop has picked out some of the most misogynistic t-shirts seen online and has given them a verbal thrashing. "No sex for you," says the women to the guy wearing the shirt, but I will point something out. Women like assholes, so let's say I wear an asshole shirt, you give me crap, I'm nice back, and you say, "awwww, I'm kinda drunk, he's actually a nice guy, and I want to fuck somebody." It's not that they're repelling all women; they're attracting a certain kind of woman. Everybody wins! (via)

Monroe Bra Secret!

Whaddayaknow: Marilyn Monroe's bra was magical. The structure was designed to lift and make her 36D breasts more prominent (yay!), and with such intelligence that it could only have come from the mind of a mechanical engineer. The happiest mechanical engineer in the universe.

Leather Band-Aids!

Feel that your medical supplies just aren't badass enough? Try out some all-leather band-aids, so that when you cut yourself trying to open that wine cooler, you can show people you're actually more hardcore than that. Appears to be part of some "impractically thought-provoking art project that blogs love to link to and now people will say 'hi' to me at SXSW next year", but you can still buy them at $15 for a pack.


Male Butterface?

The unthrilling term "butterface" is a condensing of the phrase "...but her face", meaning a hot body but ugly face. The Frisky wants to know, is there a male equivalent to that phrase? Well, with the recent revelation that ugly men are more fertile, the real male counterpart to "butterface" is "the father of my children".

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