Guys, guys, guys: don't do this. Apparently nonthreatening male musicians are dressing like toddlers and going out in public in onesies. It's one step down from looking like some tracksuit Italian mobster, but without the kickass gold-framed cataract-surgery sunglasses. Infantilizing your masculinity is doing you no favors, and the fact that eternally-eleven-years-old Justin Bieber hasn't worn- OH JESUS CHRIST BIEBER WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. Fuck it all, guys, women aren't interested in children. If they ever babysat, been an older sister, or are mothers themselves, the muscle-memory of unzipping a onesie means there's a poopy diaper inside, and nobody wants that.

That said, though, women in onesies are fucking hot. This lady doesn't agree with me, but even she sees that onesies make a guy look like a pussy. Get some real fucking clothes, dude.

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Do you know how hard it is to shop for a guy who lives and breathes 80s heavy metal? There are only so many hair products and studded collars you can give them. Well, here's your lucky day! Slayer has issued an officially-licensed christmas sweater, full of skulls and evil. Bad news: as of posting, they're sold out. But, maybe Heavy Metal Santa you and they'll have more by Xmas morning.

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Seriously, ladies, if you're top has so little fabric that you think you have to resort to one of these, you might actually be topless and just not realize it. This is apparently for women wearing the J-Lo dress but with 300% more boobs. The mechanics of these strapless bras seems to be elastic clamping of the breast, which may appeal to the S&M afficianados among you, but everyone else will have to sacrifice for fashion. The elastic looks tight and spring-loaded: I imagine this model, during the photoshoot, sneezed and both of these popped free and flew across the room like Nerf rockets. But I like to imagine those sorts of things all the time anyway.

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Organic Armor makes a variety of cosplay and costume armor, particularly steampunky adornment, but what if you're, say, travelling on an airline and can't afford to pack your entire suit of armor? Why, bring your brass steampunk pasties! It provides the best of both worlds: armor that allows the greatest range of motion, while protecting your most important assets - your nipples. Just be careful, though: while normal silk and tassels might cause a few minutes of eye irritation when a burlesque admirer gets too close, brass pasties are liable to put an eye out. Also, beware of men with powerful magnets.

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I know, everybody loves Star Wars, but these outfits give me a weird boner. The Wampa and the Ewok, in particular; is this like, Lucasfilm furries or something? I suppose, if you've got too many cons to go to, and not enough sexy costumes, Etsy is the place to turn to fill your closet with all the ogling-generating outfits you can get.

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OK, I first have to say: this is not how a facehugger attaches to a person. It's called, colloquially, a "facehugger" (actually, the larval form of the xenomorph) because it attaches to the face, inserting an ovipositor down the throat, to place an infant xenomorph in place for incubation. That said, if I were a facehugger, gently cradling a woman's boobs is the second most awesome thing I could do. By Rage Custom Creations.

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If you haven't read Savage Love today, you don't yet know about this guy, who is transgendered needing 'top work' done (I haven't heard if it's a demolition or an addition), so he designed some t-shirts to sell to raise money for his non-insured surgery. Now that he's at about his financial goal, he's continuing to sell shirts to raise money for others in the same predicament. So, go buy a shirt, show your support.

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See, folks, this is why Pong existed in a flat plane. The peaks and valleys would totally throw off the cursor motion. Just look at this - the ball would totally bounce off the boobs, interrupting gameplay. Somebody should have put more thought into stretching videogames over tits.

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Time to go shopping if you want your sexy Christmas lingerie by Christmas Eve! Screw all the 'santa and elf' themed stuff - kissing under the mistletoe is where it's at, and this set (which doesn't include the socks or shoes, unfortunately),which lets you hang the mistletoe on the front of the thong, right where she wants to be kissed.

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UD Replicas is a leathermaker who specializes in movie replicas, and they've got something awesome for sale: Batman leather motorcycle gear. It's designed to look just like the movies, except in leather and safety-approved for actual racing. Make sure you live in a state with weak helmet laws, so you can wear it with a cowl and cape.

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I shouldn't mock this too much; there are only so many ways men can style their heads without inviting mockery, and since I have great difficulty growing a beard of any kind, I must tip my bowler hat to anybody who can look like ZZ Top or a pirate - or both at the same time, in fact, and that person totally deserves a trophy. Good for them.

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FashionBeans has an article on how to wear a velvet blazer; my answer: dude, just don't. Unless you're the waiter who drew the short straw and has to work the breakfast shift on Christmas, you shouldn't be wearing a velvet blazer. The rest of their 'accessory' recommendations really aren't so bad, so read the rest, but replace 'velvet' with 'silk'. A fitted, double-breasted vintage silk jacket would be a fine replacement. Velvet, it looks like you accidentally wore your 1970s couch to the bar.

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I can't fault a guy for wanting to look like Batman, but, Jesus Christ, dude, when you're wife gets home and sees you like that, she's going to go to the laundry room for a few minutes while she laughs until she nearly pees. Seriously. I know, Batman is the shit, but unless the guy below got this for a Christmas present and is wearing it out of politeness, he's doing it wrong. For crying out loud, it's 70s Batman - at least have a Clooney Nipples version for the ironically kitschy. For this Batman snuggy, just think what you'll look like shuffling to the kitchen for another beer, your ass hanging out like a hospital gown, and then ask if you really look like a dark knight.

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Man, when I was a kid I totally hoped that grownups got to wear Underoos, too. I was sadly let down. Fortunately, here's the next best thing to wearing them: looking at some cute anime woman wearing nothing but comic book undies. The sale page is all in Japanese, but you can see more here.

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Nick Offerman, who plays Ron Swanson on Parks and Rec, actually turns trees into useful things, like these kickass moustache brushes. For $75 fucking dollars, I hope it actually makes my goatee thicker and more ronswansony.

The bad-ass side of me wants to yell to the world, "where can I buy this, I would wear the shit out of it!" But, you see, I'm no longer 14 years old, and grown-up me realizes that this will not, in fact, attract the ladies. That doesn't stop my adolescent-lizard-brain from wanting one of these so very, very bad. Come on, it looks like Donald Duck just had the epiphany that he's standing on the train tracks and the 8:15 is barreling down on him. If I can't wear that sentiment on my chest, I don't know what's going on in this world.

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This guy can kick the ass of The Most Interesting Man In The World, mostly because if you have the pedigrees claimed by this business card, you think Dos Equis tastes like horse piss; whiskey is your drink of choice. I most approve of him being a specialist in "Orgies" - I tried to get signed up for that major in college, but the waiting list was too long.

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