If you've ever wondered why guys get penis tattoos, here you go: A gentleman has been cleared on indecent exposure charges, because he had a penis tattoo, the indecent penis did not. The accusers said nothing appeared different or odd about the penis that had been exposed on the train, but when Mr. Penis Dragon whipped his out for the courts (er, I bet it was more low-key than that), he showed his penis was anything but normal. So, men, run out today and get tattoos on your penises: it'll make sure you avoid various sex-offender crimes. Just remember it'll make you easier to catch if you do decide to show off your tattoo in public.

Men's Style has an exceedingly annoying flash interface for it (otherwise I would have given it separate appropriate links), but sometimes stylish people can be idiots, too, and it's too cool to overlook. They've released a list of awesome vintage stuff that will make you look cool today, which includes some awesome things like vintage erotica and vintage cameras, both of which are excellent lists despite some minor snubs (no K1000? For shame.) A lot is, of course, out of the price range of an average shmo, but for once the overpriced stuff is actually worth it, unlike the majority of stuff on these style sites.

Sometimes, when you get dressed, do you feel like there's just not enough penis in your fashion? First, which I find most amusing, is a t-shirt printed to look like your penis is exiting the waistband. I abso-fuckingly-lutely had this happen to me in school with some low-cut jeans I never wore again; my un-tucked shirt hid everything, but it could happen. Secondly, there's a penis tie, which looks like no fucking penis I've ever seen. Whoever modeled for that tie needs to get checked by a doctor fast. Don't wear the two together, though: two touching penis heads will make everyone uncomfortable.

The Daily Mail, source for all kinds of awesome, has published the results of a scientific study which identifies the sexiest, most self-confident women who have the best sex lives. Short answer: Bright Red Lipstick will almost always get you the best lady. Women to avoid: Peach lipstick.

Summer is here, the beaches are open, the bathing suits are tiny, and the goths are dripping. Goths in Hot Weather is a very new blog, in which photographs of people dressed all in black at the beach are mocked gently and evaluated in two categories: Gothiness and Sweatiness. I've always been a fan of wearing black, but that was because I'm badass, not because the ennui of life has reminded me of my mortality. I at least know how to dress when heading out into the sun. The best quotes are the goths who think they're "scaring" the locals. Keep telling yourself that, morons; mostly, the locals are too polite to laugh out loud. (via)

Hey, The Frisky, you're fucking women up! After yesterday's comment about women trying to look sexy at work, take this grain of salt: pressure to look attractive causes a fear of rejection. I suppose, a healthy desire to look good for your own sake isn't a horrible thing, but the social expectation that a woman be attractive by general standards (toenail polish is sexy: wear it even if you can't see it!) is making women neurotic. Stop being neurotic, ladies, you're probably hot enough if you're worried about trying to be hotter.

Is there nothing bodypaint can't do? Recently, it solved the problem or war in the world, via the Bullets 4 Peace fundraiser. Unsurprisingly, I could find very little about Bullet 4 Peace, but a whole fuckload of pictures from the show.

Ladies, don't you hate that you can't be hot as fuck every single minute of the day? The Frisky has a solution: be sexy even at work, even though nobody can see it. Shave your pubes into the U.S. state of your choice! Paint your toenails, then put your socks and shoes on! Flirt mercilessly with the hot janitor! Wait, that one wasn't on this list; I think that was at Literotica. Anyhow, ladies, you mustn't allow yourselves to slip in any situation, including sustaining that "I'm so sexy" feeling when you're at work.

You think you're all fashionable and shit because you've bought yourself some thick, black frames and wear sandals everywhere you go? Think again, hipster loser, you're poorly accessorizing! Slideshows, by nature, are annoying, but this one has included some funny:
"Jester Hats:
What He Thinks It Says About Him: I'm the life of the party!
What It Actually Says About Him: I am a sad clown."

I haven't been doing my fashion stuff as much lately, because, fashion fucking sucks. So, for the next fifteen minutes, I say go check out the first guy I've found to trust with style ideas: Arlo Weiner, son of some Mad Men guy, who is the youngest GQ fashion correspondent. Come on, your name is wiener, you're freakin' eight, so the air of pretension is completely gone. Dress like you're eight: you want attention, you intend to jump down stairs rather than walking, and your bike is also considered flight apparatus. Like in the "evil overlord" list, check with a kid first: if a grade-schooler thinks your fashion sucks, go change your clothes, nerd.

Your Tango thinks you could do well to date a geek, which is a nice change from the useless stories about how to attract attractive, affluent men. They only give 4 reasons, because doing a list of 5 or 10 was too hard to come up with more reasons. Number 4 is the kicker: while the first three are about how 'nice guys' are nice, the fourth one is all about how he'll put up with you changing his fashion sense. Ladies, just what you want: a nice, compliant guy without an ego, who'll let you dress him up like those attractive, affluent men you really want. This pretty much guarantees that, in two or three months, you'll be that hot crazy chick he was banging until he finally couldn't take it anymore. Good luck, ladies!

These spandex hotpants are all the rage in Japan right now, at least if I can trust anything the internet says about Japan. They're called buruma, slang for 'bloomers' in Japanese, and they look like a cross between tight tennis shorts and granny panties (click the 'mature content' link to see the pics):

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Holy fuck, have you ever been revolted and turned on at the same time, like the one time you saw pictures of your grandma when she was twenty? The Doll Eye has funky anime-like contacts, which make your iris larger, and the pupils look dilated. It doesn't help that they put them in the eyes of a 3-inch-tall elf for the photos. Dark eyes with huge pupils have always been a big turn-on for me, but there's an uncanny-valley level incongruity here. Maybe I'll only masturbate a little.

Want to look all nerdy and shit like William Faulkner or Emo Philips? Check out sparse fashion blog nerd boyfriend, thus ensuring that the only chicks you attract have cat-eye glasses, bad haircuts, a Moleskine poetry journal in her purse, and a crazy streak that'll keep the bedroom happy and the restraining orders a'flying. Fuck, that actually sounds kinda fun. (via)

It seems like there's a story almost exactly like this every couple months: Innocent bystander deflects a stray bullet with her bra, saving her life. Women, this is the last time I want to hear you complain about how uncomfortable, how pinchy, how ugly your bras are - they are fucking keeping you alive. As the zombie/Mad-Max end-of-the-world approaches, you'll need all the stray-bullet protection you can get.

Feel like you're coming up a little short in the 'manly chest' department? Up your game with a little piece of plastic, a "manly" bib with a much musclier and hairier chest than your nerdy body actually has. Coming up next: manly underpants.

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A ninety-year-old chinese man retired from his job last year, but is returning to his chosen career after hearing there was such a demand for his job. His mastered skill? Perfect bra construction based on merely observing said breasts. It must be tough, having a job in which he must just look at breasts all day. My abilities in bra-making require me to touch the breasts for about, oh, fifteen, twenty minutes, and then maybe I can draw a picture of a bra afterwards. My skills aren't in as much demand.

Who do you go to when you need to know more about breasts? New Zealand "Braologist" Carol Rashleigh. Sadly, "braologist" is in quotes because few universities actually issue degrees in braology, despite the number of online "universities" that offer "courses" in such. And by "universities" I mean "porn sites", and by "courses" I mean "pearl necklace videos". Braologist Rashleigh has come forward to announce something important: New Zealand women's breasts are getting too big for their bras, practically erupting through the lace and silk. Get better bras, ladies, and do what the braologist says!

Crap, I could make these easily with scraps from work - but if you're not handy, you can get some that somebody else made:


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I've found a kindred spirit, one who watches the Kennel Club shows for the same reason: the bouncing breasts. Inventor Selaine Saxby noticed how the women jogging with their pets around the ring were risking tit injury, and decided to make it right by inventing a bra specifically designed to prevent show-dog handlers from chest injuries. While I can appreciate the benefit to the women, it potentially reduces the amount of boobie-bouncing on TV, which means more of my masturbation-time may be spent watching pomeranians prance around the screen. I'm still weighing the pros and cons.