My first thought, as was Esquire's, was "wooden sunglasses must float in water like a fucking boss". My second thought was, "I bend the shit out of my metal frames in an average afternoon, I'm going to fuck up wooden frames even faster". So, I'm going to go through the summer wearing shitty bent-up sunglasses, while all the cool kids have light, buoyant, kick-ass wooden sunglasses. Some people have all the fun:

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Cosmopolitan, genius of all things sexual, has tips on how to look sexy in lingerie. Here's the one and only thing you need to know ladies: First, you put on lingerie, then you show us that you're wearing lingerie, then you take it off in front of us, and then whatever happens next happens. End of story. Seriously, that's about it. "Exercise the night before" is about the most productive of their paltry three ideas, but, hey, if you're regularly exercising the night before everything, you're probably doing a pretty good job on keeping in shape and are confident about your looks anyhow. Confidence that we want to see you in lingerie is important, and believe you me, if you're having sex with a guy, he'd like to see you in lingerie from time to time. It's hot, don't paint yourself with bronzer to get some weird 'look' that you think we want.

What Would Your Mother Do? is a clothes company putting anti-sex messages onto clothes for teen girls and guys. For example, the "Not Tonight" panties, because once they've been making out long enough that he can read her panties, they're totally going to go, "oh, yeah, this is too far." I'm not one to promote teen sex, but this is totally not the way to discourage it. Their customers are going to consist of two groups: out-of-touch moms who are oblivious to the embarrassment they are unleashing upon their straight-laced daughters, and ironic college students.

Because, seriously, "what would mom do?" If your mom had a hot young body, wasn't married and didn't have kids, was mostly naked with a cute teen or twenty-something, and he asked to have sex, your mom would totally fuck him. What would your mom do? She'd totally do that hot dude. How do you think your mom made you, little girl? By fucking your dad back when he was a hot young guy. Yes, your mom totally rode your dad's cock, reverse-cowboy style, he left a hot, sticky mess in her pussy, and that that's how you came into this world. You're slutty mom and horny dad bumped uglies, got her pregnant, and look at your mom now.

And that, dear readers, is how you discourage teen sex.

Following the trend of boot companies looking to feed the hipster market, Dayton Boots are going edgy with their ads. Which is too bad, because the boots are actually nice looking, but without steeltoes and with a pricetag of several hundred, fashion is their goal more than selling workboots. Just look at their testimonial page: Their customers play gigs, ride motorcycles, perform in historical reproductions as a blacksmith, and perform the duties of a "mens stylist". In other words, Dayton's ads should tell you that they used to be a kickass boot company, now they want you to look retro while you're flirting with that chick with the tattoo sleeves.

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OK, people, this is why the fashion world needs to step back and ask themselves: am I producing weird for weird's sake, or am I producing something of value? If you're talking about the glasses below, you're fucking with a functional and attractive piece of fashion and making it impractical and shitty. Quasi-blinders, really, Ketevane Maissaia? Encouraging people to strap something on that not only interferes with peripheral vision, but juts forward to make sure it's always interfering with peripheral vision. Oh, and just in case the distraction wasn't enough, let's add parts that brush against your cheek all the time and chafe because people's ears move when they talk. It's like he designed something without looking at how people use fashion - but, hell, that's par for the course with haute couture shit like this. Who gives a fuck if anybody wants to look like a moron, its rare and unique and expensive, so it must be good. OK, fashion designers are only part of the problem: anyone who'd actually buy and wear a piece of shit like these glasses is equally culpable. Assholes, all of them.

Holy fuck, just look at her. The Daily Mail asked men to give their wives makeovers, and show us how the men dressed their best gals. She's all dressed frumpy, and that bow thing in her hair, jesus christ! Is she wearing Star Wars boxers outside her pants? Hasn't her boyfriend ever seen a wom- oh, that's the "before" photo. She's dead sexy when her bf dressed her up. Note her response to her 'new look': "I want to cry. I look like one of those women who trawl nightclubs," which means her boyfriend either needs to head for the hills or start saving up for therapy. Weird body-image issues - and, get this, she's a fashion assistant. I've known fashion designers (those goth-geeks in college, remember?) and they all dressed crappy, too, but just wait until the models she works with hears what she thinks about how they dress.

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When I was in college, "merkin" was what the gothy-artsy chicks would mention in conversation to make those not-in-the-know look confused, and make those who were familiar with the term giggle and blush. We were all totally grown-ups, I know. Anyhow, merkins aren't just a anti-plague mechanism anymore: merkins show up in films because actresses are shaved as clean as the day they were born for some stupid reason. Like when they were cast they didn't know there would be a nude scene? Stay away from the brazilian-wax salon for a month, for crying out loud. Actors gain weight and workout to fit their characters bodytype all the time, you divas can life with being bushy for a while. Merkins - bah!

Carhartt has announced their 2011 spring/summer fashion line, and it's deightfully classic in style. The jackets, in particular, are pretty awesome - there's the denim one below, and a camel cold-weather coat that I couldn't find on their website. The jeans aren't too bad either. Too many vintage-style tees, but, hey, at least they'll let you tell who the hipsters are. Note that the 'Freshness' link below has four pages.

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Whadda ya know - I agree with Cosmo for once. Fashion Week is producing some shitty styles for men, and Cosmo hopes they won't take off. Especially the Disneyland Boobhat seen below, but anything which encourages spandex leggings sucks shit too. I mean, what the fuck, Fashion World? Do you honestly think women will find men attractive if we dress like this? Jesus christ.

Poor, poor Etsy-seller boyfriends. Sure, she wears cat-eye glasses and likes the Decembrists and is an alternate on the roller derby, so of course you thought she's be the best girlfriend ever. Then you learn she crochets, and then one night, while you're both watching Power Rangers for the ironic sensibilities of it all, she holds out the cap she just finished and tells you to put it on. With the zap of a camera flash, you have now been immortalized as the guy with the dinosaur hat on Regretsy. Is the crazy-chick sex really worth it? IS IT???

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Ksubi's 2011 line of sunglasses are out, and while most are Sunglass-Hut-style crap, they've got these awesome glasses called a "Marfink":

Shown are the white, because it reads better in the image, but I prefer the black ones. The lenses have a USAF shape to them, and it has mesh around the sides like welding shades. The thick bridge is about the only annoying things. They run around $200 - $280, so be prepared to cry when you eventually sit on your pair. Via, via.

Wingtip boots have been around a long time, and wearing them makes you look like you're a workman on the World's Columbian Exposition, which isn't my style but I can't argue with. The solid brown ones look like workboots, and are made like workboots, so who cares if the 90-year-old guy teaching shop class has a pair. But for the love of all that is fucking holy, don't make them two-tone. The boots below look like some hipster skinned a coonhound for your footwear. Either way, they're ugly as shit.

Some times you feel like a nut, and here's the shirt for you. The Nut Shirt is little more than a vintage 70s shirt with some funky button covers. Those covers, however, are fucking awesome bolt heads which make it look like your shirt was screwed to your chest, Frankenstein-style. As vintage shirts go, it's an awesome color, but the bolts make it kick ass.

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The Native Americans would be proud: Marlow & Sons is using the entire animal after its slaughtered. If you eat at Marlow & Sons, you can buy a bag made from the cow you just ate...or a football, or a wallet, or whatever foodflesh-related leather you might need. So next time you and your buddies play a pickup game of touch football, you can reminisce on the au gratin potatoes and in-season veggies that went into the meal that you turned into muscle in order to throw that football from the pig you ate. Fucking trippy, that shit right here.

See Jack Shop has done the footwork and found a bunch of leather gloves for under $25 at Overstock.com I love leather gloves, and I love deals, so I may have to order these for next year; my current daily-wear gloves are like these.

Lady Gaga, everybody's favorite Jem and the Holograms villain, has come out with a signature perfume that reportedly carries the scent of blood and semen, or, in Gaga's own words, smells like Paris Hilton's career. Seriously, it's a little too close to the smell of gay sex, which might appeal to to the noses of some men, but is otherwise not the kind of thing for a gal to wear to the club. By 11pm, most bars smell like that anyway.

The Frisky wants men to know that there's only 23 things you need to do to get a hot chick. First of all: Men, you are doomed to fail. If you wonder why women have unrealistic expectations for their partners, this is it, right here. "The imagination to surprise me" and "You gotta know how to make a woman feel like your sexy ideal" and "The sexual confidence to make the first move" are the kind of mind-reading shit that women don't realize is a hairs-breath away from being really creepy. No, she doesn't actually want to be treated like a sexual ideal that's ready for the first move and prepared to be surprised. This is Sixteen-magazine bullshit where they want a man who appears this way, but behaves chastely and respectfully. This is the kind of shit women wish for, but cut things off after date #2 because the guy's too much of an asshole, and lists the things he did to fulfill the Frisky list as cues for his crappiness.

Now, if the list cut out the mind-reading fantasy bullshit, it's not too bad. Primarily, it filters out the lazy jerkwads who are interested in being served by their partners. If a guy can't cook, doesn't own real furniture, or can't dress himself, that's a clue, ladies, that he's looking for a mom and a toy. Keep away from the fantasy shit, though (seriously, what dude has the money for a nice suit?) and the list is pretty good. The fact that they end it with the Old Spice ideal of the ideal man - he's on a horse! - proves that there's a higher bar here than humanly possible. Seriously, that dude was just on a boat, and now he's on a horse; that can't really happen.

As you might have noticed, basic-workmanlike things are what I like - and nothing's more basic and workmanlike than a simple shop apron like this one from Blackbird. Keep shit off your clothes and keep things clean; this ain't no baking-with-grandma apron:

Here's a cool satin jacket for you: black-on-black details with stitching accents, it'll make you look like you won Satan's Dart Tourney. It's also designed by, like three different things, so its awesomeness must be multiplied.

Somebody with a CNC laser cutter got too close to the machine one day, and - bam - laser-perforated shirts were born. Poor Jeffrey, though, didn't make it - while his T-shirt looked awesome, they were still missing a few pieces of him when the coroner arrived. Anyhow, now there are awesome t-shirts that look kinda like 70s-perforated-jerseys, but in cool patterns. I, of course, want to see these on braless busty women, but I'm weird that way.