Posts Tagged 'News'

Page 9 of 25

< 1 2 3 ... 7 8 9 10 11 ... 23 24 25 >

Office Crushes: OK!

Got a little crush on that hot secretary at the front desk in your office? You're justified in your crush, says HR experts, who think it's all natural to wish to cram your dick into her pussy while she bends over the filing cabinet and cum all over those silk panties you caught a glimpse of when she was getting out of her car this morning. Oh, no, don't actually do it - that'll fuck up your life something fierce - but take a few seconds and appreciate that feeling. Then go furiously masturbate in the office restroom.

Ex-Gay: Not Heterosexual!

Sorry, all you ex-gayers out there: PFOX, your advocacy group, has successfully argued to the D.C. Supreme Court (otherwise known as "Not The Nation's Supreme Court, but Down The Street") that formerly-gay people aren't heterosexual enough to be considered heterosexual, so they deserve their own sexual minority category. Oh, no, you're not GLBT, not by a long shot: you're just not normal by conservative heterosexual standards, not normal enough to be considered an average, everyday 'majority' American under current minority protection laws. No, all your work to stop the gay isn't enough to stop you from being a sexual minority - you're still one, just one more acceptable to the Right Wing. Oh, wait, what? The DCSC docket says PFOX lost? Apparently PFOX is excellent at talking themselves into believing untrue things, and if they yell those untrue things loud enough, enough sympathizers will defend their imagined "truth" for them. So, at least according to the DC Supreme Court, you're normal, ex-fags, so go back to looking at all these naked women, above and below this post, your stomach churning every so slightly and Jesus forcing that limp erection out.

Women Like Threesomes!

Women love threesomes - at least according to's recent survey. Don't get your wickets in a dander yet, guys: the actual question addressed "being naughty with two members of the opposite sex" - so that's one gal, two guys, men. Guys, on the other hand, were mixed between two women, or just any old stranger off the internet. The women's response is intriguing, though - why is two that much hotter than one? Most men will agree that it's tough enough to convince a woman to play with just one dick at a time. Maybe it's cooperation that helps get the girl in the mood! Teamwork, guys...teamwork.

Regret = bad!

Oh no! Teens regret their sexual experiences! Get the President on the phone - something must be done! Heaven forbid we allow children to make regrettable mistakes. All children need to - at every turn - feel like their decisions are the absolute best decision they could make at that time. I think I know what you're trying to tell us, Moral Conservatives: we need to teach kids that every sexual experience is something to be proud of. Get fucked by whatever guy sits down next to you at the party - there's no regrets, babe! We don't want you feeling bad about yourself. Do these people not remember their own childhood? Or maybe they remember it too well, and think their poor decisions somehow make them a bad person - don't let your kids be the horrible person you have become! The stuff we regret is the stuff that makes us a better person: it is a learning experience. It's like that bullshit about "women regret their abortions": wait, someone makes a tough decision that doesn't result all sunshine and roses, so it must have been the wrong decision? What fucking utopian cartoon Eden are you living in? I regret having to put my crazy, bitey dog down, but sometimes it just has to be done. I've fucked women and been pissed at myself later - whether the next morning or after sticking around in the relationship beyond its age - but each one of them has shaped the kind of guy I am today. What makes you a person is how you live with your regret, and turn it into something virtuous. This is the most telling, about both the sex and the abortions: "They sometimes say afterward - because often at the time they say they enjoyed it - but afterward it's unwanted. There's something about the culture, about the drinking and peer pressure." You got what you wanted, but the regret is a fucking shield from criticism. No, I did it, I enjoyed it, but you can't call me a slut because I regret it. I got pregnant, got an abortion, but I pray to God I never have to do it again. Bullshit on all sides: own your fucking actions.

Speidi: Orgasm Ignorant!

Heidi Montag, whom I only know as one of the bigger assholes on that one celebrity jungle show, claims her husband, the doughy and more-assholey Spencer Pratt, gives her 30 orgasms a day. Being a conservative Christian, my guess is Montag is unsure what an orgasm is, and from what she overheard at prom, it's kinda like a backrub, or something, and is very concerned about how some women can't get more than fifteen or twenty a day, because all she has to do is whine and say what a hard day she's been having, and Spencer gives her a little orgasm while watching The View, or on his way to the bathroom. Spencer's jackassery, no doubt, comes from sexual frustration; he's excited, of course, about Heidi's lad mag appearance, to which Heidi added, "psst, you can write about the porn, but don't tell my dad, OK, and make sure your readers don't tell anybody." No word yet on whether Heidi understands what pornography is yet, either.

Redheads: Awesome!

The Frisky, handing the reigns briefly over to a guy, wonder what the fuck is up with hot redheads? My answer: natural redheads are the sexiest fucking thing in the entire universe. I close my case. Hell, even unnatural redheads aren't so bad, either. Case closed. Dammit, even that Manic Panic pink is hot as fuck, too. The end.

Guy Hates His Job!

I don't normally go for stupid shit, but this actually made me laugh out loud, then look around the library to see if anybody heard me. This guy posts on his blog that he hates his job, but he doesn't necessarily hate his job - it's just that the stupid people he works with really get on his nerves. He had me going, until almost the end. And I've seen the smart chick he works with, and she is way hotter than he says.

Brits: Too Lazy For Sex!

Think that British accent is sexy? Expect to hear it from the couch, asking you to change the channel. British people are too lazy to walk across the room to change the channel - or even have sex. The TV channel changing isn't a big deal - they've got, what, 2 channels in the UK? - but when 73% don't have the energy for sex, they know they have a problem. The ones who do have the energy for sex all have ASBOs, which means only the miscreants are breeding. Horror!

Scandinavian Men = Best!

I totally win in both categories: Swedish and Norwegian men are the best husbands - and I'm totally both of those, thanks to immigrant grandparents. The root, sadly, isn't the man, but the country: egalitarian cultures are far more tolerant of men cooperating with their partners, while the more dominating and sexist countries think she should go bake some fucking cookies, bitch, the game is almost on! The UK came in third - damn socialized medicine! - with the U.S. as fourth place - damn third-wave feminists! - but in last place, what, Somalia, China? Nope: Australia. No wonder: Hitler came from there. Anyhow, my guess is that the poll picked apples-to-apples, Western modernized cultures, which means the curve isn't that big. Now, I'm off to do the laundry, BRB.

Motivational Boobs!

The Chive, always good for some frequently-retweeted photos organized for maximum effect, has compiled the greatest tit-related motivational posters. Well, one part of me is more motivated than before. Bonus: chesty Facebook babes.

43 Minutes A Day!

You know when Fox News re-runs content from the UK's The Sun, it must be rock-solid science! Men spend 43 minutes admiring women every day, which, no doubt, coincides with the actual screen time that Rachel Maddow gets during her show - meow! The statistic includes that this involves around 10 separate women, so, maybe, like, four or five minutes each, which means that having lunch in front of the Victoria's Secret every day is worth the time. It also means, however, that these guys haven't found online porn yet. Just today, I've ogled around 150 women at length, for approximately the last five hours. My erection could shatter a cast-iron skillet.

Women: Your Friends Are Hot!

Now you have it, ladies: your boyfriend fantasizes about fucking your friends. And, apparently, almost a quarter of you have ugly friends. As if that was a secret; Gracie for a while pestered me to admit I find her friends sexy, but I wouldn't budge: there's a reason they only get answers like this from an anonymous poll. Even if there's no chance in hell of cheating, planting that seed in a woman's head only results in shitvines growing.

Condom Sex = Bad!

A study from Scotland has discovered that sex without a condom is good for your mental health. It doesn't go into their methods, but it says that people who have unprotected sex deal with stress better and have a more positive mental well-being: probably because they're having sex with someone they love and aren't worried about STDs or pregnancy, like the condom-users are. But, hey, unconventional results equal news articles, so I propose a study to show that gay sex causes more pregnancies than heterosexual sex: it'll get me on Oprah!

Old Women Fuck!

According to a recent survey, over 60% of women over age 45 are still getting cock on a regular basis, and a third of women over age 65 still knock boots. Now, next time you go to the grocery store, keep that statistic in your head. The granny who uses the cart to block the aisle, the 50-something with huge tits and thinning hair running the cash register, the two 40-somethings discussing their children's weddings: at least two of them are having sex on a regular basis. Take that to the bank next time you think, hey, better have sex now before I get old. Sorry to say: someday you're going to be fucking a woman just like those "old ladies", gentlemen, and you're gonna like it.

Blowjob = Cancer!

Instances of throat cancer are on the rise, despite diminishing numbers of smokers, because blow jobs are at an all-time high. Oh, by the way, let's continue to focus on a HPV vaccine only for women - it's obvious they are the problem, just like birth control. So, ladies, hopefully you got your vaccine when you were younger, wrap that dick before putting your lips on it (non-spermicidal, though; I hear the N9 ones are gross), and stop giving away blowjobs like they're nothing - HPV is the least of your disease worries.

Reminder: Wanking OK!

In case you'd forgotten, the Times of India would like you to know that "masturbating regularly has no ill-effects at all on one's sexual performance, penis growth or psychosocial health." It will, however, result in chafing and unwarranted stickiness which could affect other things, but, hey, the long-term effects of masturbation are next to nil. Hot damn, I think I'll go do it now!

Dear Abby: Helpful Porn OK!

Dear Abby has answered a woman in a sticky situation: the woman's sister is in porn, but is using the ill-gotten gains to pay for the woman's kids' education - how can she return the money without insulting the porny sis? Answer: shut the fuck up about the porn and let the money continue to do good things. Yay, Dear Abby's ghostwriters! Now, if only Dear Abby can reach more judgmental people and tell them to shut up about other people's choices, too, the world will be a better place.

Craigslist: More Hookers!

What's all this, you say? Despite having bent over backwards for the attorney's general of several states, prostitutes have still found a way to sell sex online through Craigslist? Incredible! And, it seems, by giving them an "adult services" section, specifically for their business pursuits and vetted by Craigslist employees, has only encouraged these entrepreneurial women. At least it's done about as well as controlling prostitution itself in Chicago has worked, Mr. Cook County Sheriff.

Topless Nun!

Poor, poor nun: in anticipation of her vow of celibacy, a young lady frolicked with her boyfriend, resulting in nude pictures taken. Whoops - who knew the photos would end up on the internet? Of course, instead of just confessing her sins and turning the other cheek, she's suing for the photos to be removed from the internet. Think you'd like to go find that picture yourself? Don't bother trying to find any real topless nuns; there's plenty of pornstars willing to dress like nuns and show off their awesome bodies, unspoiled by celibacy or religion.

Sluts Still Get Married!

Oh, this era of sexual promiscuity - 40 fucking years of it, thanks hippy sixties! - is going to completely destroy the sanctity and sacredness of marriage! Er, fuck you, prude. Despite getting and giving the milk for free, nearly everyone still gets married in their life. Sure, later than before (gotta fit in a couple years of fucking before walking down the aisle!) but, in general, everyone gets the ball-n-chain before they die. But why would anybody get married if they can sleep around? The same reason they sleep around: because they want to. You know what you had in the olden days? People had to get married before they could have sex, or once they got pregnant from the illicit sex. Yhere wasn't the same freedom to choose who to spend your life with - you were pretty much stuck with the first person to drop trou for you. Today, people can chose to, or not to, get married entirely on their own whims, without social stigma as long as you just ignore the freedom-hating Conservative assholes - A free America is an awesome America!

< 1 2 3 ... 7 8 9 10 11 ... 23 24 25 >