I've considered making an icon just for these, because I find switched-line stories so amusing: "Maritime lobster aid phone number connects to sex line" What the what: Lobster aid? "Hello? Help! I'm a wayward lobster, I've gotten myself lost in a large city and there's these rubber bands around my claws, and I think-what? What did you say?...mmmm....how you doin'?" The Lobster aid department reports that there have been no complaints reported. Duh.

Yeah, it should be obvious, but The Frisky has issued a customer safety warning on Cosmo's tips for improving your guy's sexual experience. Don't wank him with grapes, don't fuck up his Camaro's hood, don't try and put your legs behind your head, and for fuck's sake keep that ice away from his dick. Simply avoiding Cosmo's advice should be obvious, but back up the analysis a bit: Cosmo is porn for sexually-stunted women; just as you don't watch porn and think real sex can be done that way, don't read Cosmopolitan and think sex is really done that way. It's like Cosmo is a serialized, surrealist exploded erotic post-novel: it is the art of pornographic literature taken to its absurd extremes. And that's why I'm a subscriber.

The porn clerks that I've met fit into two categories: 50-something stoners, guys who couldn't get into piercing school or can't get a job at a tattoo parlor, and strippers/stripper-afficianados. Er, three categories: stoners, tattoo wannabees, strippers, oh, and and lit majors. Shit. Anyhow, Elitist asshole fucks haven't been behind the counter at adult bookstores in my experience, but Caveman Circus has gotten a letter from one. Truer words have never been spoken; I hope to meet this porn shop clerk someday. And kick him in the balls for being such as dick.

It's the age-old story: two teens fall in love, teens are told not to engage in sexy shenanigans, teens get knocked up. And, yet again, when the "don't get knocked up" police are heavily religious, it happens far, far more often. Abstinence-only education is probably a big part, but take a look at how NIMBY conservatives are - they'd much rather control me and mine, the heathens that we are, than ensure they're doing right by their own, because, of course, their kid is being told not to have sex and they've been Saved, so it can't possibly happen. Good luck with that ignorance, religious conservatives, it's going to give you a lot of teenage mommies and daddies.

While men have been told size doesn't matter (although, see yesterday), they are fine with their penile size when on their own, but when they're in the locker room and can compare, they feel self-conscious about their peckers. Solution? Stop going to locker rooms, men: it only makes you feel bad about yourself. Get fat, go to the bar, remind yourself size doesn't matter, then get laid. Nothing good comes from going to the gym.

Apparently, men in a relationship are twice as likely to be liars. Example from the article: "No, your butt doesn't look big in that." Well, fuck, those aren't lies, those are relationship preservers. If guys were twice as honest, marriage itself would cease to exist. I'm not advocating lying, though - just saying what she wants to hear. That's why she asks the fucking questions. Those can't possibly count as lies.

You can tell a lot about a woman by a name: if hers is Mercedes Maxx, yes, probably a stripper. If she has kids, the more of their father's name they share, the more of a whore the mom is. Psychology Today has presented a theory, without a lot of evidence, but it is compelling: having a two-parent family means convincing a father to participate, and the more invested in his kids, the more he participates. Kid shares his last name? More invested. Kids share 3/4 of his name, like Russia? Boy, that guy must really need convincing: his baby momma must really be a slut. (via)

Glamour's "Single-Ish" has realized something profound: a good gameshow contestant is like a good significant other. Playful, open, self-aware, authentic, not fake nor contrived. Now we all know why Bob Barker was always surrounded by gorgeous ladies; it wasn't his love of household pets, that's for sure.

In a recent study, nearly every Frenchperson admitted to enjoying porn at some point. They're already ahead when it comes to french kissing, french postcards, french toast, and pardoning my french, so it's good to see that they've caught up to the rest of the world in enjoying watching other people fuck. Women are a little behind, 83% versus men's 97%, and interestingly over half watched porn with their partner. The main source of all this French porning? The internet - yay, internet!

Answer: how to stimulate the economy. Don't spend your money at Wal-Mart, buying cars, or paying bills, that just sends money overseas. Stimulate the economy by supporting those rare entirely-American business just down the street from you: hookers, rummage sales, ballgames, and tattoos. God Bless America!

Dude, I had no idea: when a man meets a woman, he'll check out her tits and ass within the first second of meeting her. The reason? "Men may be looking more often at the breasts because they are simply aesthetically pleasing, regardless of the size." There you have it, ladies: men look at your tits because they are absolutely gorgeous, whether they're big or small; oh, and the article doesn't say anything about it, but a little cleavage is nice. And a thin bra so we can see your nipples through it. Now that's gorgeous.

I've got a rather negative view of the modern church - any church - in general, but these guys give me some hope: the guys behind XXXChurch and the Strip Church have a book out and are on the road promoting it. I've always been wary of these guys, but the more I read, the more I like 'em. No, no chance of converting me, but they love people like me anyways, and they're not interested in what I do, but who I am. That's unlike their arch enemy, the Westboro assholes, who would rather destroy the sinner to prove wrong the sin. XXXChurch has it right: be open, accepting, and educational, and you'll attract more flies with honey than vinegar. I think that was in the Bible somewhere.

Next week, President Obama will be parking his rusty van a block away from the playground, with "Free Candy" spraypainted on the side. Even worse: he's going to talk to the children about personal responsibility and achievement. Indoctrination! Brainwashing! Obama appears on TV, and he's going to undo all the hard work done to turn the children of America into conservative assholes! Parents: you have the most influence on raising your children to be assholes, so stop accusing the President of messing that up. Don't worry: your douchebaggery is not lost on the youth of America, Conservative Parents.

Here it is, in one concise article: the reasons why French woman are the greatest women in the world. Get over the stereotypes of "smelly" and "don't shave" - they've got an attitude about love and sex that makes the neurosis of other Western women sound like damaged goods, but, frankly, modern attitudes are trying to turn American gals into French gals, which is a win-win for everybody involved.

The Fox SexPert has a list for you: eight myths about women's sexuality. It is, surprisingly, pretty right on: women like sex pretty much as much as men do; they can like a one-night-stand without feeling shame, they fantasize about whoever they feel like, and she could certainly cheat if given the opportunity. And, frankly, knowing and accepting that is a good thing: there's freedom in accepting that you're just as slutty as men, ladies.

Remember how, yesterday, Aubrey O'Day was cool for defending masturbation? Turns out, she spent a lot of the rest of the show saying dumb things. Rule 1 of those shows: don't say anything remotely controversial, especially if your boobs mean they don't take you seriously anyway. Poor Aubrey: use this as a learning experience, you've got the beginnings of being a smart, attractive woman, don't let them get you down, even if they spend the next ten years referring to you that babe who loves Hitler's brain.

It's all over the internets: people are questioning whether or not Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990. Glenn Beck is, of course, a political talking head who recently moved from radio to television, entertaining the masses with what I interpret to be psychotic breaks involving tears and/or yelling. Because he's a libertarian, I'd like to give him the benefit of a doubt, but the inherent Libertarian tolerance for gun ownership gives me pause - and his attitude on mass murder is startling if you remove the "I'm just a guy on TV, you can't hold me to what I say" attitude that these talkshow hosts love to hide behind. You'll notice that his Wikipedia article shows no reference to any murder or rape at this time, although the story seems to be breaking at the moment, with most search results occuring today or yesterday. This post includes some additional information regarding a murder on an isolated cul-de-sac in West Harris County, TX, on August 23, 1990. It is unlikely any new information will appear on this topic, unless Beck decides to speak up on the matter because, well, if you've read this far you might start to realize that this is probably a rather tasteless, but interestingly crafted, proof that by manipulating the media you can begin to make facts from out of nowhere, thus proving themselves. The accusation that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990 is completely, 100%, entirely false, and can be disregarded, as well as death panels, Trig's real mother, Obama's birth certificate, Area 51 cover-ups, and all the other sort of stuff that bored and useless pundits manufacture to give themselves something to talk about - not that Beck has ever done that himself, of course not, and don't believe me about Beck's crimes. I'm just a guy on the internet, you can't hold me to what I say. Take these guys, though, who appear to have started the meme. Update: the official website.

What really turns women on?, asks the Daily Mail - who used up all the space on the internet trying to explain. Sorry, nothing else will fit on the internet: women's libido filled the rest in. The answer: lots of things affect a women's sex drive, and there's no one way to "fix" it, although "fixing" it might not be the best attitude, and there's a whole industry devoted to making women feel more sexually satisfied, so something must work, right? The female sexual psyche was never more clear to me: thanks, Daily Mail! The best thing to take away from the article: "sometimes giving a woman a hormone shot will boost her libido. But, more often, giving her a compliment will have the same affect."

Sorry, lesbians: the Tastee Diner will have none of your loving displays of affection! Two women were ejected from the restaurant for hugging, and in response the LGBT community a "kiss-in", otherwise known as "holy fuck, that's hot". The response has been tremendous, mostly because part of the accusation was that one lesbian was burying her head between the other's breasts - no, witnesses say, there was no breast-burying, because who could take their eyes off such a beautiful sight????

Because everything's better when you replace a syllable with "sex", TwittSex is the newest hot sex-based ripoff. It's gonna be as awesome as Twitter, with APIs and shit, and it's gonna draw spammers like flies on crap, so it's got that going for it. I mean, come on, like there needs to be a sex-based Twitter. Isn't that how AOL chat rooms worked? A short, incomprehensible statement about sex, then a bunch of idiots responding with their own short, incomprehensible statements? I recently read that kids aren't using Twitter - they've got texting - so it's the older set Twitting around. Prepare to find your hot TwittSex isn't responding because she just had to run and pick up her kids before her husband gets home from work.