MTV wants to warn...wait, MTV? Really? OK, well -- MTV wants to warn you that everything good in your life reduces your sperm count. Really, if I add up everything on the list that I do, I total a 214% reduction in sperm, which I suppose means I'm technically reducing the sperm count of every man within a 50-foot radius. But, I'm not trying to get anybody pregnant, so all the more TV and bacon for me!

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Lady Gaga, everybody's favorite Jem and the Holograms villain, has come out with a signature perfume that reportedly carries the scent of blood and semen, or, in Gaga's own words, smells like Paris Hilton's career. Seriously, it's a little too close to the smell of gay sex, which might appeal to to the noses of some men, but is otherwise not the kind of thing for a gal to wear to the club. By 11pm, most bars smell like that anyway.