Posts Tagged 'Film'

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Bea Arthur: Grunt!

Although the gruff-voiced, burly, tall woman had the demeanor of a drill sergeant during the Golden Girls years, it turns out Bea Arthur was a fucking Marine during WWII. And, according to the Smoking Gun's files, she was a stone-cold fox, too. Yeah, who hasn't masturbated to a Maude Nick-At-Nite marathon, but according to her USMC files, she was sexy, she liked to shoot guns, she was a god-damned truck driver, so if you didn't know by now, NOBODY FUCKS WITH BEA ARTHUR. It's too bad that women were relegated to the behind-the-scenes work in the military at that time, because I'll bet you could airdrop Bea Arthur behind enemy lines with nothing but a tommygun, five grenades, a pack of toothpicks, three pieces of chewing gum, and a map to Hitler's home, and WWII would have been over in the time it would take for Bea to steal a Panzer tank. Which is about fifteen minutes by my calculation, slowed only by the tensile strength of German armor of the time. Her Marine superiors thought she was "over-agressive" and "argumentative", but then they never saw her rip a guy's lungs out through his ribs simply for stealing her parking spot. Rumor has it that Bea was scheduled to command during the Bay of Pigs invasion, but Sid Caesar wouldn't give her time off, that bastard. Sid shit on the entire Cold War, which is why he was blacklisted well into the 21st century. Bea Arthur: hero of democracy. Oh, and she was damn sexy back in the day.

Movies Need Condoms!

Crushable asks: why doesn't anybody use condoms in movies? The answer is simple: in the movies, somebody can get hit with a frying pan until unconscious and then wake up later; they can fall from great heights without shattering bones; they can jump from moving vehicles without becoming hamburger - so why is it hard to believe they can fuck without consequence? It won't be a big thing to get changed, though: in movies, when somebody gets shot, they immediately fall down dead within a fraction of a second even though there's no blood to be seen. Movie sex should fall into that category: fuck without a condom, you're hit by a bus. While fucking. Immediate consequence, and then death. That'll teach those 16-23 males for whom movies are made something about sex.

Sex Ed Videos!

Holy crap, I remember at least two of these, and it's no wonder I turned out all fucked up when it comes to sex: the ten wierdest sex ed videos. By 'weird', they mean poorly written, naiive, and bad acting, so it's less 'weird' than 'unsuccessful'. Me, I heard that one time a kid had a boner and it didn't stop getting harder and bigger until it got so big that it broke off. Serious, that one kid who has all the Hustlers told me about it. None of these videos tell me how to prevent that from happening to me. No wonder so many people died due to sexual experience without these films.

How To Undress!

Man, despite Nazis, the Hayes Code, and the Great Depression, the 1930s sure knew how to strip. How To Undress For Your Husband (and part 2) Elaine Barry Barrymore is the beautie who knows how to undress, but Trixie Friganza gets a few too many fat jokes in part two - I mean, give her huge rack some credit. The one I'd like to see also stars Ms Barry and is called "How To Take A Bath". Dude, somebody has to upload that to YouTube soon.

Avatar Fucking!

Want to see those big-nosed giants from Avatar fucking? wait for the DVD, there's alien sex in the outtakes. "In the film, communication takes place by locking hair with flora and fauna, in a process known as 'synching'," which sounds like a lame-ass way to get laid. Don't search for 'avatar porn' just yet - there's apparently some kid's cartoon called 'avatar' too, and I don't think you want that kind of stuff on your computer. Don't worry - blue aliens with huge dicks will make it to the internet soon, you can bet on it.

Turn The Sound On!

A North Wales man had been imprisoned for having a grossly obscene video of a woman having sex with a tiger. Oops, sorry, says the court, when they realize the video is humorous - nobody had listened to it with the sound on which would have helped explain the joke; I can completely understand, since watching porn with the sound on is an exercise in pain anyways. Were the video made for the purpose of sexual gratification, it would have violated all sorts of obscenity laws, but as a joke it was OK. Porn producers, take notes: adding knock-knock jokes or being dressed as a clown just might make your legal woes easier. Everything's fine when it's funny!

Horror Movies Suck!

Rob Weiner, expert on pop culture says the current crop of horror movies suck donkey balls. I'm wondering what he's comparing that to: on the whole, 80s horror sucked donkey balls, 70s horror sucked donkey balls, and everything before that intentionally sucked donkey balls because of the Code. Weiner's great hope: indie filmmakers who put effort into storytelling over gore, which, sadly, is boring to the Joe Halloween-Remake-Was-Awesomes. They want to see more knives shoved through skulls like they were playdough with no internal structure. They want to see more beautiful women killed first because they're the horniest. They want complex, brutal traps in which the ones killed come off as stupid and deserving of their fate, because straight-forward brutality isn't fun to watch (I'm looking at you, The Passion of the Christ). Horror movies don't make much money because it's a pretty small fraction of the viewing audience, but that small fraction doesn't want character development: they want boobs and blood.

Old Ladies Are Hot!

Brigitte Bardot and Sophia Loren are both well beyond retirement age: they're each 75, and they're still around to remind people how sexy is done right. Of course, Yahoo! can't find any recent photos of either, but there's plenty of sexy recent Sophia Loren online - Jesus Christ, those tits. Bardot has left her sexpot image behind, looking much more like somebody's grandma - you know, the grandma who you see in photos on her mantle and go, "holy crap, I'd have fucked that three ways from sund-thanks, grandma, I would like some more Quik and cookies."

Spartacus Penis!

Kirk Douglas, star of the original film "Spartacus", is appearing in the new Spartacus miniseries, but only as a namesake of a main character: Spartacus' prosthetic penis. Nude scenes are throughout (Lucy Lawless gets naked!), but they guys get fake willies. The actress who plays Spartacus' wife - the oh-so-porny-named Erin Cummings - named the little dick in honor of the original star. I'm sure Kirk is proud.

Divorce Entrance!

Yeah, that fucking "dancing wedding entrance" has been everywhere - the local news even had it on because they were from Minnesota or something. We all know, THIS is where they're headed in a couple years. People that creative are deep-seated sociopaths, they won't stand to be around each other for long.

Sexy Stormtroopers!

Sure, they're somewhat of an allegory for Naziism, they can't shoot worth a fuck, and they wear armor all the time - but I'll be damned if the female Star Wars Stormtrooper isn't hot as hell. Well, most of them; about 10% suck, another percentage are wearing helmets too big for their body, but, hey; the ones with huge tits are well worth the click.

Penis: Funny!

Back in the eighties, there was a respect for the penis: when one appeared in a film, it was artsy, it meant something, there were deeper repercussions about man's place in the universe. Today? the penis is a shock laugh. Where did we go wrong, penis-watching moviegoers? Is this how we see men? Sadly, yes, yes it is.

Best PG-13 Nudity!

Still having trouble convincing the video store clerk that you're over 18? Have no fear - Asylum, with Mr. Skin's help, has a list of the greatest PG-13 nude scenes ever. Now I totally have to rent "Just One of the Guys". I normally would pass over a cross-dressing comedy, but a hot-chick cross-dressing comedy with nude tits, that's a different story.

Movie Penis List!

I know, I can't count the number of times I've been sitting around with the guys at work, debating this question: why aren't there more naked penises in mainstream films? Salon has provided some assistance here: they've compiled a list of the best Blockbuster-rentable films for looking at a stranger's dick. Of those, Boogie Nights is the only one I've seen - Firefox is loading my Netflix queue as we speak to take care of the rest. Penis movie night, here we come! Er, bad word choice. I'd like to add to their list the excellent John Waters movie A Dirty Shame: if you're renting at Blockbuster, though, make sure to get the uncensored version. The first time we rented it, we grabbed the censored version, which includes exactly zero nudity, but is still rated R. Still an excellent movie, but the unrated version is far, far better.

Orgasm: Unimportant!

Guys, you've been vindicated: a Canadian study has shown that, all things considered, an orgasm is pretty far down on the list or important sex components. We all know, us guys can't help but have an orgasm during sex, but your partner, well, don't worry about hers: the amount of erotic intimacy and physical closeness is a bit more important to her than some dumb orgasm. Oh, you're missing those, too? Well, she can count on that deep connection you - oh, that's missing as well, hm. No wonder she's not having orgasms with you, idiot: you are fucking all wrong.

Che Guevara: Proud!

Che Guevara, the somewhat-reviled, somewhat-worshipped Latin gentleman who had his fingers in a several bloody revolutions, will be proud his granddaughter is continuing his legacy. Lydia Guevara is appearing nude, wearing a machine-gun bullet strap of carrots(!) and a jaunty beret like Grandpappy's, to protest..something...on behalf of PETA. If there's anything a Guevara knows, it's helping a dogmatic, extremist group make their point.

Ramis Fav Films!

Harold Ramis, the "spores, molds, and fungus" guy from Ghostbusters, has given GW a list of his favorite comedies. Of the ones I've seen, Ramis is right on; of the ones I haven't, I think I better. Keys that prove he and I are on the same page: Zoolander, Arsenic and Old Lace, Life of Brian, Dr. Strangelove.

Porn Movie Houses!

Wait - those still exist? In a time of private video booths, online porn, and DVDs by mail, pornographic movie houses still exist. Well, at least in Canada, but the article doesn't delve into south-of-the-border facilities. The best part of the article are the proprietors: "It's porn which has kept the most beautiful theatres open," says L'Amour's owner, Steve Koltai. After decades, telling people he runs a sex cinema is still awkward. Koltai says the question he hears most is, "Who cleans up?" "Everything evaporates," he replies. If you drop a Jujubee, let it go, man, because it's gone.

Dalek Chicks

Ever wonder what the hot Dalek females looked like under all that armor? Here's your chance to find out. This trio decided to attend some geek convention dressed up in skirts and boob-enhancing dress, which, duh, makes them attention whores, but creative attention whores nonetheless.

Watching You Watching Porn!

Ever wanted a good, close look at somebody while they masturbated to pornography? Me neither. However, art knows no boundaries, so using a interrotron, a filmmaker has documented what the average person's face looks like while watching porn, interspersed with them talking about their attitudes about pornography. Using a teleprompter, porn is displayed in front of the camera, thus forcing the subject to stare creepily into the camera, like that weird-looking weatherman you met at the bar that one night. You can watch it here.

Betty White Nude!

Betty White appears in the new Sandra Bullock movie, which looks like a big tease because the trailers all hint at a hot-as-hell nude Bullock, but I doubt you get to see anything good. On the other hand, according to this interview, Betty White was all ready to go nude for the film as well. Now that is a movie I'd fucking watch for a nude scene: I've been masturbating to her old episodes of Password Plus for years - I don't give a fuck if that's her husband hosting it, she's hot. *deep breath* Anyhow, White reveals it as a joke, and says she's a traditional girl and needs the man to propose, which means I must be out, since my mailed-in proposals have all gone unanswered.

No Explosion Looking!

Think you're cool? You're not if you're staring, slack-jawed, at something that just blowed up real good. Cool guys don't look at explosions. You don't spit into the wind, you don't fuck around with Jim, and when something's going to explode, you walk away, beautifully framed in the expanding cloud of burning gasoline. That's how the world knows you're badass.

Ron Jeremy: New Movie!

Here's how Ron Jeremy describes a new movie he's in: "If aliens could see the Earth the first thing they'd notice is satellites. What's the biggest thing on satellite? Porn. What's the biggest thing in porn? Me. The aliens infiltrate my penis and it severs from my body during a sex scene and runs along the floor and starts a killing spree.." Um, sounds like a freakin' classic, dude. Still, it's always nice to hear Ron Jeremy talk about his life and business - they guy is always so grounded and approachable; it's no wonder women like to see him in porn. He's the guy they all want to date: friendly, funny, and with a huge dick.

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