See, this is what happens when clowns procreate recklessly. Sure, she could have died her hair, but the purpose of artistic porn is to show people what's underneath, the truth about the person inside...even if that person is the unholy spawn of the John 3:16 Guy and Loonette:

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It's sure nice that this young lady, despite her lack of clothing, would still take her Ewok out for some fresh air. Still, I find it rather racist and demeaning that she have him on a leash - come on, lady, they built cities in the trees and defeated Stormtroopers, they're not some womprat to be shackled and fed treats! They have language - language!

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Bruno, a/k/a Sasha Something-Cohan, is in Berlin for the launch of his umlaut-loving character's new movie, also called Bruno. To do so, he signed up some models, hired some knitters, and made some full-body nudesuits so he could go hang out at the Brandenburg Gate. I mean, who hasn't wanted to be fakenude at the Brandenburg Gate? Below is one of the pictures...I'm feeling a little confused; that one on the right is extremely attractive to me. I'd like to think it's for the body underneath, and not the suit itself. Unless they made the bodysuit to match the body underneath. Which still doesn't necessarily turn me off to him/her.

Wait-WAIT! Ladies, I think you have misread the instructions somehow. That, totally, is absolutely the wrong way to use a dildo, here, give me the instructions, because it says...oh, wait. Damn Chinese-made sex toys, the instructions do say to impale the rubber penis and grill it. Well, here, let me show you the right way - you, the one with the creepy grin, drop your panties and spread 'em!

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Cirque Du Soleil must be really pushing their performers: you know you're in a cut-rate Mia Michaels performance when you're expected to eat lunch while performing. I mean, come on - and subs? Couldn't they have done something like corndogs or popsicles, something even remotely sexy? I mean, really: if the Quizno's guy saw these two, he'd stop fucking his oven.

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Eb comes running in - "Mr. Douglas! Mrs. Douglas is trying to milk the billy goat!" The porn music starts as Eddie Albert takes Eva Gabor by the hand...there's just not enough Green Acres porn in the world. The photo below - thankfully - has no goat-on-woman porn, which makes me wonder: why is the goat there at all, then? Answer: because there's just not enough Green Acres porn in the world.

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Sometimes, I think these porn photographers have just a few issues with women - for example, this set, in which a woman starts tied up with nobody around, but then cavemen show up, give her a bone (literally), and she grins seductively while playing the bongos. Analysis: at a formative age, somebody's mom told him that artistic photography was nerdy, and only jocks get babes:

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Cherish's only experience with multicolored balls was the ball pit at Chuck E Cheese, so she was very disappointed when she "jumped in" and everybody laughed:

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See, I had a Raydeen when I was a kid - he didn't fuck anybody, and I sold him at a rummage sale when I was ten, but he seems to have moved on to a porn career after I rejected his love. The 1970s were a fucked-up time, y'all. What the photographer probably doesn't realize is that, today, if he still had those three toys in original condition, they're probably worth more than he got paid for this lame photoshoot.

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Excuse me, miss: why is your pineapple so small? "The doctor called it something like 'failure to thrive' - I just can't get my pineapple to nurse; it won't latch on to my nipple like a pineapple should. Doctor thinks I should buy powdered pineapple milk for him."

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Chalk another up for the flower-farters! The only thing sexier than a flower stuck up a women's ass is...um. Give me a few minutes, I'll come up with something. *POOT*:

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OK, I've read just about everything else in the bathroom, so now I'm down to the girly crap. Not one to sit on the can in boredom, I had to read something. In this month's Woman's Day, I find this Tidy Cat ad:

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The headline is "Ramen & Vinyl Records: Keep Home Smelling Like Home", with a picture of lame hipster with his two cats. First impression: what jerk names his cats "Ramen" and "Vinyl Records?" Because that's so stupid that I can't even - er, wait - upon second reading: is that what his apartment smells like? Ramen and vinyl records? Dude, if your vinyl smells, you gotta stop buying the mildewed basement records at rummage sales. The stuff is called "Premium Scoop Small Spaces," so my guess is Hipster Jerk there has two cats in a studio apartment, and thinks the cat smell is the reason chicks bail when they see his home. No, dude, if your thick black-rimmed glasses, ironic stocking cap in 80° weather, and thriftshop fleece-lined 70s coat didn't scare her off, your shelves of Dragonlance books, poorly hidden Hustlers, and empty fridge are working against you more than a cat box. By the way, clean the catbox more often - once every time rent is due isn't enough.

Marla was never the most popular girl in school: bowl haircut, member of the marching band, small tits compared to the cheerleaders. That is, she was unpopular, until the senior yearbook came out:

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*psssssssssssssss* "Here's your problem, little lady: looks like you're about 15psi too low. We'll pump 'em back up and you'll be runnin' fine." From my scientific research, the toy in the photo is some sort of "clitoral pump", which means that she's using it wrong. A clitoral pump is calibrated all different from a tit pump - it's a 'wet measure' versus 'dry measure' thing, I think. You don't want to overfill a pair of breasts, you know. You'll start cornering really rough.

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Holy crap, Mr. Production Designer, did you have a bunch of bad 70s wrapping-paper to dispose of? Maybe the photoshoot took place in the Children's Bathroom Wallpaper Section of Home Depot. The patterns are making me dizzy - according to the website, if you stare long enough and cross your eyes, the image of a naked girl will appear:

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"Wait, Cheryl - not that one! That's the good cup scrubber - two drawers down, to the left of the microwa-LEFT of the microwave. Yes, the blue one. That's the one that's OK to stick in your twat. I'm tired of people using all the good utensils for masturbation."

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Hey - there's video too!

Oh my fucking god. It's like someone stuck a pipecleaner in my brain while I was sleeping and dragged out the worst five aspects of my three worse nightmares and mooshed them into a single most terrifyingly sexy visual I could possibly have imagined. I think I might cry.

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Oh, baby - you do realize that those fake coconut bras, the plastic grass-skirt, the nylon flowers...you know those are for decorative purposes, right? You're not supposed to wear them? Hell, who am I kidding...I'm always the one who fucks the drunk chick who's wearing the decorations at the theme party.

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Oh, baby - you do realize that those fake coconut bras, the plastic grass-skirt, the nylon flowers...you know those are for decorative purposes, right? You're not supposed to wear them? Hell, who am I kidding...I'm always the one who fucks the drunk chick who's wearing the decorations at the theme party.

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Around three million years ago, a huge evolutionary jump occurred: public lice that lived on gorillas began to inhabit human pubes. As we all know, you can get public lice from things other sex, so don't get all "my grandpa fucked gorillas!" on us - we can only assume that those early humans were either too cheap to stay at a clean hotel, or they used a bus station bathroom, and that's how the species jumped from one primate to another.