I know, Miss Piggy is supposed to be the hot chick, but I never really got it before. The photo below, however, is somehow...intriguing. She seems so much hotter now, especially considering she's 2 feet tall and has a Frank Oz hand up her ass. Let me just think about this for a while. *unzip*

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As we've seen so many times before, flowers and butts just seem to go together. I suspect that, when the rest is such a beautiful woman, you need to make...that...a little more appealing, so to speak:

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An Italian stripper headed off to Croatia to find a plastic surgeon who'd do a special project for her. You know if she has to go to Croatia, no good will come of this. The stripper wanted the plastic surgeon to add a third breast to her already entertaining chest, but the plastic surgeon, sadly, declined. I'm sure, eventually, she'll find a plastic surgeon who'll do it - I hear in Russia you can get five or six if you really want, I mean, it's Russia, but for the time being her customers will have to do with the two that God gave her. See also.

Does Cosmo really have an entire book of these? Dude, the number of injuries must be epic. Anyhow, here's the newest one - some from-behind position. When I'm erect, there's no way my dick is going to point downward, but, hey, I'm sure it's possible - still, the guy is way too high, the best he can do here is fuck her in the ass. Again, possible, but still a far from ideal position for such things. I'm beginning to think Cosmo's illustrator thinks a penis sticks out as though the vagina were turned inside out like a pocket - straight down, anchored right in front of the anus. Creepy, yes, but most of Cosmo's positions line up the bottom of the crotch with her vagina, like he's got a double-ended dildo sticking out of his vagina and the other end is positionable within a 180-degree radius.Anyhow, the dick and either hole aren't going to line up - note that the outside of his right hip is against the inside of her right thigh, which puts his penis at least the thickness of his leg to the left of her cunt. In the instructions, it says the guy sits right behind your buns - whatever that means - and as he rocks back and forth, you close your thighs? With your legs straight out behind you? That's like trying to be fucked while standing, knees locked and together. Again, maybe this is intended to trick women into anal, but I don't think that's Cosmo's intention. Lastly, although it doesn't affect the coitus itself, but do you know anybody whose back can make a 90-degree turn backwards right at the shoulderblades? That's some excellent yoga shit right there, let me tell you.

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Gnomes are creepy to begin with. I mean, look at that Travelocity thing - he's shaped like a dildo, travels the world, but can't work a foreign electrical outlet properly. Creepy. Manofest has upped the creepy factor by hosting a gallery of sexualized gnomes. Some are regular nomes posed in unfortunate ways, but some are, quite clearly, designed to be naked or fucking or what-have-you. Just think about it: some artist actually carved a tiny statue of a misproportioned gnome with huge tits. Now that's a job that's going to put you on the psychiatrist's couch after too long.

I've got to get back to work so I don't have time to post a picture, but, really, I'm not sure I want to. Garden gnomes are a pure and gentle tradition, and, please tell me, why do they need naked tits? Oh, gnomes, you've fallen so far, it's only a matter of time before the porn happens.

This time, Cosmo does a bit better than previous attempts at proper anatomy. My first kudos: the penis and vagina actually line up! Most sexual artists agree that penis/vagina cooperation is rarely required in pornographic art, just an afterthought for the most part, so Cosmo has gone above and beyond to show people actually fucking in a drawing of people fucking. In order to do so, they either had to shrink their male fucker down to about 5' 1", or grow their woman up to 6' tall. Certainly, I'm not opposed to either Amazon fucking or shorty fucking, but considering your usual height difference, that pose won't work.

The 'fun' of this pose, according to Cosmo, is to "Stand beside a soft-spraying sprinkler and bend over so the water hits your genitals.". Hey, graphic artist: do you know where a woman's genitals are? No, tits aren't genitals. Lots of fun, but no, they aren't genitals. The red circle in my diagram depicts the position of the clitoris, the funnest place to spray water, which is sandwiched between their hips. And, Jesus, Cosmo, did your parents never let you run through a sprinkler when you were a child? Sprinklers are designed to spray water everywhere - one that sprays in a focused beam is going to get thrown away pretty quick. My guess is it's spinning, so after it's done soaking the 'genitals' in her belly-button, it's going to spin around and get her full in the face, filling her upside-down nostrils with cold hose-water. Hey, if Amazons are into that, who am I to judge. Oh, wait - they actually suggest that - "Instead of keeping the sprinkler on the stationary setting, switch it to rotate so you get a bliss-inducing blast all over your body." I've only got one kind of bliss-inducing face-spray, and it involves my cock; what Cosmo's suggesting is waterboarding your lover.

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I think this is going to be a running feature on this site: Cosmopolitan magazine continues to fail anatomy class. First of all, penis and vagina positioning continue to fail - just look at where the bottom of his ass is, and where they think is penis is, it's like three inches below his crotch. But beyond anatomy, Cosmo fails at physics this time, particularly how leverage works. In science class, the babe here is a 2nd Order Lever - the fulcrum is at one end, the weight is in the middle, and the force acting on the weight is at the other end, her feet. Holding on to his neck, all of her weight is trying to swing towards his body, with her feet to stop from either pushing him over or pulling him forward. Her feet are significantly beyond the fulcrum - try this, my experimenters: sit down on the floor with your knees bent and your feet about two feet underneath your dining room table. Now grab the edge of the diningroom table and pull yourself up so the tabletop is at nose level. Hard, ain't it? that's because your feet can't do much, the leverage is forcing your feet to lift up off the floor. Pretty much all this couple can do it stand like this, his throbbing cock against her belly, and all her weight against his thighs. This might work if her feet were against a flat wall, and not resting on a hovering three-inch-thick midget bed, thus giving her something to push against so she can do the thrusting. He can't thrust; if he stops leaning backwards against her weight, they'll both fall towards her. Unless he's Superman or something, holding all of her weight on his hands (at the end of monkey-like super-long arms according to the image below) and moving her around like a sex toy. That would help a lot of sex positions; here, not even Superman's mighty penis can line up with how they're positioned. Total fail.

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Hugh Hefner, aspiring sea captain and proprietor of Playboy, almost choked to death on a Ben Wa ball. Jesus Christ, Hef - you're doing it wrong. Are you bamboozled by sex? No, seriously, Hef, it's a big problem in the world. Here's some tips on how to properly use them. I mean, Kegel exercises for men are important, Hef, especially for men of your age, but the mouth isn't a reasonable alternative to a vagina. For Ben Wa balls, at least.

I've been checking out Cosmo's "hot new positions" images for a while, and they usually require quite a bit of geometry to make them fit. This recent one is a total FAIL. Unless fucking her belly button is the intent. Even if she wasn't floating two inches above the floor (suspended by his penis?) or putting all of her weight on the arch of his foot, her back is arched and her ass is sticking out - her vagina is pointed ninety degrees away from his dick, even if their crotches lined up. But, like I've said before, Cosmo is simply erotica, so nobody's going to try it - she's going to diddle her clit while fantasizing about Mr. Line Art in the shower.

Jesus Christ, Juanita, you need to stop eating so much before bed. There's only one solution to avoiding fuck-farts:

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Okay guys, I know all you're looking at is her huge rack, covered in some hand-lotion soapy stuff. Divert your eyes away for a little while, and look a little northwards. She's pouring the fucking soap on her tongue first. Lady, you're tits rock, but tripping my gag reflex is no way to turn me on. Jesus, I don't even know why I'm posting this, I'm not going to be able to look at my own site until this falls off the main page.

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"Hey, you - yeah, you two the temp agency sent over, get the fuck back to work! Jesus christ, they never send over anybody who can do the work. Yesterday it was midgets, the day before it was the armless guy, and today they send two huge-breasted lesbians. This Walgreen's is never going to get built."

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Key West has something called Fantasy Fest, which generally involves hot women getting all bodypainted in the nude by awesome artists. Somebody didn't tell the crappy artists and unattractive women to stay home - COED magazine has the worst of the worst:

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PETA has been protesting the porn site Glamour Try-Outs for weeks after this photo surfaced: the Pink Dobley is one of the rarest of Muppets, so rare that it is impossible to secure work permits for children's television anywhere in the world (except Myanmar, whose junta uses the pink Muppets in propoganda films). Rumors of Dobley poaching have been circulating around the Muppetaxidermy circles, but this photo is the first proof that one has been killed and skinned. Authorities are searching for the outfit, which - on the black market - could be worth several million dollars.

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Farting on flowers must be a huge turn-on, since it seems to be everywhere online. Ass flowers aren't my idea of sexy; move that flower over, I'll feel a bit better about fantasizing about pounding that ass. Flowers just make me feel funny about it.

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Somebody needs to call Alice in Human Resources. There's something not quite right about how employees are using the photocopier room, and I think the fax machine has been violated in some unspeakable way:

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See also: Stormtrooper strippers.

Yes, I'm eight years old. The "flower farter" designation is very literal to me. I imagine, just before the camera's shutter clicked, she farted and then - *pop!* - she produced a flower. That look on her face means, "oh pardon me - wait, what was that noise? Do I smell carnations?"

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See also: Flower Farter 1 2 3 4.

Oh, how asses and flower arranging go together. I believe that mastery of flower arranging can only come once you can use your anus to make a wedding corsage. At least there's plenty of people practicing such talents:

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No - stay back, nude black babe! Molesting the Lollipop Guild will bring down the wrath of Glinda upon you! Just because he says he's the Tin Man doesn't mean he's got ten inches of steel in his pants. Oz is a dangerous place for half-naked sluts!

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