Posts Tagged 'Getting Laid'

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Don't Count!

Apparently, you don't have to count everyone you've had sex with, according to The Frisky. Leave out incomplete sessions, times you were too drunk to know what happened, or if you just regret it more than all the others you regret. Didn't happen! Women who read the Frisky: if you have so much sex that you're worried about which ones you can exclude, you're a bit on the slutty side. Nothing wrong with that: but if you're like me, you count every damn one of them in order to have even a slightly respectable number. I would totally turn my grandma in to the cops for her pot farm if I could have a handful of sexual experiences that I could conveniently forget when asked about my sexual history.

Female Orgasm Blog!

Finally, after all these years of hiding from men being so elusive, the female orgasm has a blog of its own. The Male Orgasm tried to have a blog of its own, started out big with MySpace and all those flashy bells-and-whistles, but it ended up with just a Twitter account. This blog is run by some guy calling himself Harry Mete (just say it out loud, won't you?), who knows how to give orgasms, but little understanding on the use of fonts and colors in marketing his amazing orgasm-inducing system that advertises itself to cause sex addicts. For limited time only, not only do you get the G-Spot, but - for only additional handling cost - we'll include the A-Spot and C-Spot absolutely free! (via)

Handjob Tips!

Guys might not be thinking that far ahead (and by the time you're ready to help, we've lost our cognitive thought abilities), but, ladies, we haven't realize that, by the time we got laid for the first time, guys have had enormous experience stroking a cock to fruition. LoveHoney's here to help you uneducated ladies with ten tips for giving an awesome handjob. And, hey, if you're a guy inexperienced in wanking, you might get some tips, too...but what have you been doing if you're masturbatory experienced is limited? There's not a hobby I've heard of that could distract men from their own penis that much. And, frankly, if you're a guy who hasn't masturbated much, go find a woman to do it to you; you won't be disappointed.

Food Better Than Sex!

A survey has shown that men prefer food over sex. I don't think they're going for the "which can you go longer without" like that women's survey a while back. I think men are smart enough when offered "which would you give up for two weeks, food or sex?" and realize slow, agonizing death comes from one of those. No, the survey asks which gives the most lasting pleasure, food or sex, and food wins out. Note, for one, the survey was about Australians, and we all know they've got fucked up morals, and also the survey was given out by an ice cream manufacturer. Of course men are going to say ice cream makes them happier than sex when asked by an ice cream maker - if their sex partner asked, "does sex or ice cream make you happier?" hell yeah they're going to say sex; it's the one most likely given for free by the questioner.

1st-Time Sex Stages!

Those amusing lads over at Santa Enchilada have documented the seven stages of first-time sex. It sounds like a team effort, in which their five writers put together all of their experiences (seeing as there were only 3 sexual experiences between them all, the other two got to use examples from television sitcoms) and narrow it down to one common list. A few near-misses, that were not unanimous but highly represented, were the steps entitled "crying," "lying about contraception", and "pretending your partner is somebody more attractive".

Sex Facts!

WebMD: is there anything you don't know? They have all sorts of statistics on just how naughty we all really are. Understatement: Women's sexual inclinations are more complicated than men's. Interesting knowledge: 2/3 of men masturbate, while 2/5 of women do (women do less of it, men more guilty about it). Duh: Women experience orgasms differently than men..

Year Without Sex!

A journalist, in the grand gonzo tradition of self-reflective writing, gave up sex for a year and wrote about it. The first thing I thought was: fuck, she must've had a shitload of casual sex for it to have it make that huge of an impact on her life. I'm far from a prude and can't remember ever turning down sex, but I've gone more than a year sexless without some grand scheme - but, I guess, that wouldn't make for a very good book to read. "Day 340: Wait, was I somehow paying attention to my sexlessness?" Stories like hers, on one hand, make me regret my less-than-slutty life, but on the other: who'd care to read about it if it weren't some anomaly? The woman's own 1960s arty mom even told her: "You sleep with these men too soon." Lady, your problem isn't sleeping with them too soon, it's worrying about the sex first.

Vasectomies = Up!

For the most part, society and men put the responsibility of conception prevention on the woman - pill! IUD! tubes tied! - even though men have vasectomy at their disposal. Vasectomy doctors, thank the poor economy: vasectomy consultations and procedures have been up for the past year, now that men have realized that their dick could really fuck things up for themselves. Wait, just now they're realizing it? Sorry, guys: if you really think about it, your dick messes up a lot of things for you. It's a good thing it's so much fun, otherwise you'd probably have gotten rid of it a long time ago.

Women: Confusing Signals!

Here you go, ladies, definitive proof that you're doing it wrong - men appreciate direct pick-up lines, because you're always sending fuzzy 'positive' feedback, making it difficult for a guy to tell the difference between polite friendliness and actual interest. We're not freakin' mind readers! Note that crude humor ranks low to everybody; your pick-up line about a blowjob in the bathroom might make your friends laugh, but, er, it doesn't satisfy anybody's dreams of relationships.

Absurd Entendres!

Don't read the article for the content, it's all very generic shit, but the author starts off with an obvious intention: fill the generic article with the most unsexy sexual references possible. My favorites: "parking the beef bus in tuna town", "stuffing the monkey", and "putting the monster in the cave", all of which show that the writer has probably never actually had sex before, although it was described to her by five 14-year-old boys who claimed to have totally touched boobs before, yo. Excuse me, I've gotta go find Gracie and "waddle past the fruitcart", you know, "lick the nine-volt batteries", so to speak, "drop the needle on side B", "check my mailbox at the UPS Store", "go all House on her lupus," "rub my penis against her vul-", wait, that doesn't sound right.

Important Notice!

Guys, write this down on a post-it, and stick it to that slowly-decomposing condom in your wallet: A guy that is good with his hands and his tongue is a KEEPER. If you can polish a pearl until a womans eyes roll back in her head, then you my friend will always be invited into a bed.. As an expert pearl-polisher, I can verify that this is one-fucking-hundred-percent true. (via)

Handjobs: Who Gets Them?

An interesting question: who gets handjobs anymore? To tell the absolute truth: I've never had one, never understood them, really, although in retrospect during my youth I'd probably have enjoyed somebody else's hand more than just my own. Gracie has mentioned giving them out during her youth as a way of defusing over-zealous boyfriends at around 2nd base, so I suppose there were some lucky ones out there. As a guy who doesn't get off from blowjobs, I'd probably actually succeed with a handjob today...but who wants the guy to be done before the woman is satisfied? The answer might be in terminology: the rest of us usually call it "mutual masturbation", or graduate to other body parts and turn it into an orgasmic tit-fuck (I enjoy successful ones of those, thank you very much). So, the answer to SexSF's question is: getting handjobs? nope, not me.

True Sex Myths!

Are they still myths if they were true? Of those crazy stories that get told between teenaged boys in high school lunchrooms all day long, a bunch, in fact, are based on absolutely true stories. Stop reading before you get to the one about power tools, though; it'll totally make you lose that erection you got over the story about hiring a hooker and having your daughter show up.

Threesome Basics!

Ever wanted to have a threesome, but were unsure of what to do? Get Frank has a short guide about what to do in preparation for a threesome. As for what to do during a threesome: if you haven't been fantasizing about that for years, you probably aren't ready for a threesome yet. Or, go watch some porn; that threesomes sometimes appear in pornographic films, so I'm told.

Guys Give Better Blowjobs!

Holy crap, this blows my fucking mind, it's so obvious. Women give blowjobs out of the desire to please their partner, but without really understanding what it's like to get one. Guys, on the other hand, appreciate just how fucking awesome blowjobs are, so if you're planning on getting a blow job, find a guy to give it. No, this doesn't make you gay, it means you are a connoisseur of oral sex. Connoisseurs of anything know that to get the best, you go to the best, regardless of how unlikely. It's like that creepy dive bar in the industrial park who makes the best hamburgers in the world: you might think it makes you a redneck loser to hang out in a dive bar, but it's really about how fucking good the burgers are.

Guys Tips For Sex!

Ladies, feel you just don't understand what a guy wants in bed? Are you starting to realize that all those women-written advice articles in Cosmo really don't know shit? Here's Vinay Menon of The Star, providing a number of helpful tips for sexing up the average guy. They range from practical to subtle, neither of which seem to pop up in the Cosmo lists, and, above all, he's funny.

Tantric Breast Massage!

My article on breast massage had no underlying philosophy other than "fuck her eventually", but Tantra has some deep concepts to address while squeezing and caressing those tits before you get to fuck her. Tantra Ecstasy has instructions on how to perform a tantric breast massage, so that you can have a religious excuse for playing with her breasts for half an hour. (via)

Cougars = Got Sex!

What does a successful diet, careful exercise planning, and a concern about her appearance and well-being get a cougar? Hot sex, that's who. The article, which pulls from a Newsweek article on such efforts for women to continue feeling and looking as young as they did twenty years before, seems to stretch the term 'cougar' to mean any sex-loving over-the-hill woman, rather than one who pursues younger men. Although, that may be a given: the alternative corollary is that a 50-something woman can still have hot sex if she takes care of herself...but all that dieting and exercise can't prevent the sweaty, wheezy, limp sex her 50-something fatass partner provides.

History Student = Slut!

This is totally not what I would have expected: History students have the most sex, followed by politics, philosophy, and economics. The economics dweebs have more sex than the art students, the music students, the athletics students? Ah, there might be the rub: the smart, sexy sports players with scholarships and their names on billboards want to be politicians and economists. Who heard of a running back aspiring to teach high school art? Put them in a classroom of undersexed nerdy history-major chicks, and you've got a perfect storm of sex. And gonorrhea, but, well, college isn't perfect.

10 Sex Tips For Gals!, wisely reducing women to their basest component in their domain name, has come up with the 10 most important sex tips every girl should know. Or, rather, "10 tips you figured out during the first two times you had sex, but we need to fill a slideshow, so here you go." Hey, women, sex with foreplay, touching, and sensual stripping is hot! Maybe do something kinky, or sex outside once in a while! Oh, wait, is that not enough? Let me write a couple paragraphs about each, just to make sure you get it - can't overestimate a woman's intelligence, you know. The article starts by calling these "10 mind-blowing tips," but if you're mind is blown by statements of the importance of kissing or how much men enjoy blow-jobs, you are probably way too naive to actually try sex just yet. Number 1 is probably the most relevant and useful suggestion, and is probably why they started writing the list: feel comfortable in your own skin. Most useless and probably tossed in just so they could get to ten? Perfecting your signature sex move. Perform for me, trained monkey, I paid good money to see something different than the last three acts! This appears to be promoting a book called Supersex, and if the Top Ten List is any indicator, their intended audience are 17-year-old fearful virgins and 16-year-old boys.

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