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Followup: Remember these Tron lightcycles from last week? Here's a teaser of the pictorial that I couldn't find back then.

When you need to be competing in a race for your life, breaking through walls and drinking weird glowing water, or otherwise raping your childhood, you need your own TRON lightbike. They say this one is street-legal, but I highly doubt it. That wouldn't stop me from whipping down 94 at a hundred miles an hour to stay ahead from the computer-tanks. The headline of one video talks about a Playboy shoot, but I couldn't find it.

If a big racecar makes up for tiny dick, you should check out my tricked out Cooper Mini - a small racecar means...well, you get it, right? Why don't you get that sponge and a bucket and soap up my "cooper", if you know what I mean:

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Tired of your mom driving you to school in the minivan? Feel like you need some awesome way to show that you're so goth you shit bats? Go here, and have your pick of the gothiest movie cars ever. I'm no goth, but I've known a couple, and I'm not sure these all qualify as "goth", exactly. The Munstermobile, and Kitt, maybe, but a Death Race 2000 car? They look like what Rob Zombie would make his kid drive to school, and the kid will say, "Dammit, dad, I'm saving all my money from working drive-through at Hardee's so I can finally buy a rad Honda Element. Cars shouldn't have teeth." And that would be the day that Rob Zombie would realize that he's an old lame dude.

Holy Taco would like you to know that bikini car washes aren't all they're cracked up to be. Oh, sure, there's boobs, but...wait, what are we talking about? Oh, bikini car washes aren't the best wash, the quickest wash, you might be kind of creepy for going to one, but...BOOBS. Taco thinks there's more negatives, but I think, worst case scenario, it's a wash. Heh. See also.

Finally, a smart car can look like it's not some crappy plastic go-cart: paint it up like a sexy motorcycle. Take that busty leather babe out for a night on the town, and just remind her: hey, it looks like they're riding a motorcycle, isn't that just as cool?

The recession is hitting everyone hard - performer Savannah Stern is selling her Mercedes and borrowing a Chevy Trailblazer from her parents. Holy crap - twentysomethings who saw huge dividends when the economy was good spent it on crap rather than investing in their future, and now they're leaning on their parents to get by? This is unacceptible, people - where do porn stars think they can get away with this? Oh, from the Times, who have been trying to run this story for a year now, but the only people they could find were losers. Then - aha! - a photogenic youth drops in their laps. The porn industry's drop in price is probably the more shocking, but that's hard to photoboob, er, boobograph...er, boob on the boobpage of a boobpaper. I wonder - the non-financier that I am - if this is simply a price correction. One person can't make all the porn, like a monopoly, so there's a inherent demand for more pornography - the adult entertainment industry will always have a pool of actors, but as prices go down, performers drop out - but the smaller it gets, the more that small pool will be asking for bigger paychecks, which then makes the pool bigger because porn payrolls are getting back to the size of the people who dropped out due to low revenues, wavering back and forth until it settles at a point where customers are willing to pay and "service providers" are willing to work for. The inherent scarcity in DVD sales, as opposed to instant internet access, kept prices high, but the people giving away porn for free are still paying their bills: there's still money in it someplace, maybe a smaller paycheck than before, but it's not like the general public has decided to stop watching porn. I doubt that'll ever happen.

Ever drive past those bikini carwashes (not the high school gymnastics team, you sick fuck) and talk yourself out of it, because it won't be worth the money? The problem is: your car is too fucking small. For $29 a day, you rent a god damned U-Haul, and drive it down to the Hooter's Bikini Car Wash, and make it worth every fucking penny. Next time: all the guys in the shop pitch in for that stretch Escalade limo - the car wash would be epic.

Oh, man, if I had a white car, I'd totally show off my big dick by spraypainting it on the hood. I mean, come on, what woman isn't turned on by a guy with a big dick? Well, other than the - probably woman - who did this to somebody else's car. Come to think of it, the car owner probably doesn't even have a big dick. What a big fucking dick he must be.

Who ever said the rich were impractical? I mean, these cars are gold-plated because...um...of the low electrical conductivity of gold? Its malleability and ductile properties? Or just to say, "hey, baby, my car is so impractical that I dare not park it within arm's reach of any other living human."

There's a fetish for everybody, including people obsessed with how hot passenger safety is. Jalopink has a gallery of seat belt fetish pictures, which has more to do with huge breasts bound by nylon straps, but more accessible than the average BDSM. But, hell: big tits? Count me in, anyways.

If you think your 1972 Ford F-100 with the mismatching-colored tailgate is hurting your sex appeal, you're absolutely wrong. While women might find a particular car sexy, that car's sexiness doesn't necessarily rub off on the driver. Top Gear Australia did find that some guys saw slight improvement, but I'd call their findings inconsequential: it has more to do with how attractive the guys is in the first place. Anything is an improvement if you dress for shit or never learned to brush your hair.

Let's say, you're a fireman, driving carefully down the road. Suddenly, you're on top of a 1969 Firebird. As you might imagine, the classic car's owner isn't amused, but from the play-by-play of the events - it tumbled down the hill and into the Vickery family's driveway. The tanker toppled trees and clobbered a camper before landing, right-side-up - makes me wish there was video. That would be worth the loss of the car, in my mind. (via)

Ever feel the overpowering urge to have sexual relations with thousands of pounds of raw power? Er, are you sure? No? Objectophilia isn't just a Boston Legal joke: this guy has had sexual relation with many cars, and - gasp - a brief affair with the helicopter from Airwolf (that slut). If you're in the UK, supposedly he's going to be on TV talking about fucking cars, which they are calling 'mechaphilia', as if we needed another word for sex; it's like eskimos and snow, but much, much more penis.

Want a hot car that nobody's seen before? Custom high-performance manufacturers aren't always the highest profile machines; Sun Sentinel has a gallery - via Forbes - of some of those not-so-common cars, for when you get tired of Ferraris and Porsches:

Want to know what car will best get you into a woman's panties? the Wales Institute did some research over in the U.K. and found that chicks dig expensive wheels, so Zoo Magazine dug deeper to find out, specifically, which motor vehicle works the best to induce fucking. The slideshow of results, sadly, are mostly European vehicles. Don't worry, fellow Americans: over there, you have a sexy foreign accent, which will get you into the panties of British chicks faster than driving around some Ford. Speaking of which, the Ford Focus is #9 on their list, which shows just how bad European cars are.

Ohio, in order to cut back on the number of douches requesting naughty license plates, have released their list of banned vanity plates. While Ohioans may be out of luck, those of you in Idaho, South Dakota, or Montana, where the DMVs aren't quite as bright, now have a list of ideas to go through next time you need to renew your plates. (via)

...I really did want a go-kart; yeah, Dad let me drive sometimes, but a kid-sized vehicle was different - so I got a BMX. Sigh. I guess we had to have big bucks to really get a kid-sized car, like this Beckham spawn who has his own pint-sized replica vintage Porche:

Shame on you - it's the 23rd, and you haven't bought anything for your uncle Butch, who runs the gas station down by the offramp. Never fear - Trendhunter has some crazy car-related gifts that Butch will appreciate. My favorite are these *hint*.

Formula One has always been sexy, with it's lithe, big-assed cars and exotic locales, but now there's a new reason to masturbate while watching Le Mans on ESPN. Natacha Gachnang, a lovely Swiss miss, is making her mark on the Formula n circuit, coming in closer to first with every new year that she drives - but there's something about her that appeals to the male viewers of the races, so let's see if you can tell what it is: