Posts Tagged 'News'

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Grow Your Own Penis!

Scientists have finally done something worthwhile: they have figured out how to grow spare penises - functional penises. While transgendered people and people with erectile problems are probably the top recipients of this technology, who's to stop ladyboys from switching from men-with-implants to women-with-specially-grown dicks? What's to stop me from growing, like, twelve extra cocks on various extremities? The possibilities are endless, and the world has become a better place for it. A Brave New World...of penis excess.

Sex Amnesia!

Not the kind of amnesia where you wake up next to somebody and can't remember the night before. Well, sorta. But not because of beer, you drunk. It's a rare event where the act of sex causes amnesia - you, essentially, fuck until you can't remember what day it is. It's all fun and good while it's happening, but for the rest of us our memory comes back; for others, not so much. Not only that, but the article brings up another scary term: "coital headaches." Jesus Christ, it's like your crotch is doing it's best to kill your brain, and that's scary.

Polygamy = Good!

All the people complaining about single moms on welfare should put their money where their mouth is: the government recommends men should up their 'wife quota' and marry some of these unmarried ladies, thus reducing the amount of trouble they cause. It's in Malaysia, so don't worry, Mr. My-Taxes-Are-Mine - that country is largely Islamic and doesn't have the creepiness of Christianity to prevent much-needed help from reaching these unmarried heads of households. It's a simple solution for open-minded countries to offer, but it would so totally make our nation's leaders' heads explode to even wrap their heads around the polygamy/marriage-reform/welfare-moms/illegitimate-children angles.

Where The Virgins At?!!?

A scientist has finally gotten around to validating the film The 40 Year Old Virgin (understandably, low on the list, compared to films like Cheaper By The Dozen II), and they've released their results. Your virgins don't drink much, they're far more likely to be church-goers, are likely to be gay, and they're not in the military nor are they black. In other words, pretty much how you'd expect, but there's one surprising thing: attractiveness doesn't matter. Virgins aren't virgins because nobody wants to have sex with them; they're virgins because they've never gotten around to having sex - much like the movie. Cinema and sociology both win!

Gradeschool Phone Sex!

I love these stories so much: An Orange County school printed up a messload of T-shirts for their 'jog-a-thon', including a made-up phone number as part of the slogan, which they didn't expect anybody to actually dial - And, of course, when a phone number ends up in the news, it's gotta be an sex line. A 'she-male' sex line, no less - the AP leaves the type of sex-line the body, but Fox News put in the headline (she-males are a huger draw for their audience, you know). You might also want to ask, if the number was part of a slogan and nobody was supposed to dial it, how did the one 'parent' know it was a sex line? Reporters never ask the important questions. Despite the faux-pas, there's still a happy ending: the fun run raised $25,000 for activities, and nobody is screaming about being sexually violated by a grade school t-shirt. Still, it is not quite the "happy ending" Fox News viewers are hoping for when they read about she-males.

Restless Vagina Syndrome!

Big Pharma has got men worried about their dick's abilities and makes a ton of money from viagra and enzyte, but now they've got their sights on women: If only they can make women feel bad about sex, they'll make billions! Jesus Christ, now there's going to be spam for women who think their vagina is inefficient? I'm going to have to stop using email all together. If you think this is all an imaginary concern, just look at what's on commercials now: you can get a prescription from your doctor because your fucking eyelashes aren't good enough. And penis concerns were the first thing studied? If Big Pharma had actually ever known a woman, they'd know that with cruel TV commercials they'd have women downing a bowlful of meds daily to control every damn tiny aspect of their life which can be scrutinized. Has anybody ever thought about encouraging men to compliment women once in a while? If they could package that in a pill, they'd fucking end the war of the sexes in an instant.

I Love Feldblum!

President Obama's nominee to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, Chai Feldblum, says homosexual sex is morally good. I know, politicians probably wince at an endorsement from a boob site, but what Obama has here is, finally, someone with their head on straight. Fox News shitheads and the site I linked to above are both right-wingers trying to use this as evidence that she's a bad nominee. What the fuck, conservative assholes? You want somebody appointed to the "equal...opportunity" anything who is discriminatory? That's the most telling thing about the Right, regardless of your views on homosexuality: their Ministry of Peace is a minister of war. Feldblum also crossed that line into directly saying something directly and unequivocally positive about homosexuality; most quotes are couched with a "homosexuality isn't bad", which hints that it's still hovering at the edge of some 'sorta-bad' grey area. I've yet to fuck a man, nor do I have any interest in doing so, but my gay friends and my human-positive view of the world is much improved to know that somebody nominated for a position of equality and fairness is ready to tell the world that gay sex is morally good. The link at the top is the least shit-loaded link I could find, but if you want a good look at why Feldblum is awesome, go here, don't give the conservative assholes any clicks.

'Selfing' Not As Good!

Having a sexual partner is better than doin' it on your own, or so says scientists. Sure, they're studying small creatures that can either reproduce sexually or asexually, but, sometimes, there's a little truth in everything nematodey. They also don't address the fact that, even if you've got a sexual partner, sometimes you do some "selfing" just because you're in the shower, or you're having trouble sleeping, or she's still alsleep and that morning weathergirl is showing a lot of clevage - come on, science, can't you explain that a little bit better, in a roundwormed-related metaphor?

Duck Fucking STD!

"It's all to do with penis size and the complexity of the females' vagina." No fucking shit, sherlock. Oh, wait, we're talking about something else? Something even worse: Bird flu is an STD. All those birds fucking, and people fucking birds, is about to destroy all society as we know it. Scientists so far have only seen it as an STD in ducks - so stop duck fucking, people! Your health depends on it!

PP Sex Ed!

Finally, somebody who knows what they're talking about: Planned Parenthood is teaching sex ed in Cleveland. I can't think of a more appropriate group to make sure the youth of today don't ever, ever become the tight-assed, sexually-repressed, fear-of-intimacy assholes that are protesting PP's involvement in sex ed. "But...liberal brainwashing!" Dude, your incorrect, invalid conservative sex ed is fucking up kids more than anything else - right wingers are doing the brainwashing by trying to teach kids that sex is something that it's not. I fucked women when I was a teenager; a quick poll of conservatives would probably show a high percentage, too. Teach the kids how it's done so they make the right decisions, and they won't regret their horrible sexual experiences like you do, Mr. Right Wing Virginity-Hypocrite.

X-Rays = Child Porn!

New technology which allows airport security to see through clothes has raised some eyebrows, citing privacy concerns and worries from people who don't want swarthy airport security looking at their naughty bits. In fact, child pornography worry-warts are concerned that juveniles rendered naked by modern technology will be abused by the security checkpoints. Don't worry TSA: just have the children fill out 2257 documentation, you'll be fine - being a pornographer puts you in excellent company, what with all the artists, scholars, doctors, and writers shackled with the same tag in the interest of protecting children.

Vampires Are Gay!

There's an interesting theory out there which claims that the current crop of vampire romances are the embodiment of women's desire to have sex with gay men. These vampires are thin, wracked by ennui, and only rarely want to have sex with a woman, and only a woman who can "change him". Sound gay to you? I think it's more along the lines of "women want to sleep with assholes." He's constantly tells you you're just not his type, is way stronger than you, wouldn't blink an eye at killing someone that deserves it, he constantly avoids commitment, doesn't have a job, exudes passive-aggressive hostility covered up by a fake sensitivity, and is way too good looking for the kind of person he is. Yup - vampires aren't gay, they're the kind of assholes women constantly lust after.

Condoms Stop Abortions!

Dude - preventing pregnancy means fewer abortions. What, you mean prohibiting abortions doesn't stop people from conceiving? Inconcievable! Now that the U.S. is finally helping the UN Population Fund, we can use this contraception news to continue to dispute the ongoing conservative right-wing accusation that the UNPF is pro-abortion. Hey, assholes: the more condoms and education, the fewer abortions there are. We all get it, conservatives need laws because they're too retarded to make responsible decisions - but the rest of us the world, when educated and given safe alternatives, are happy to do the right thing.

Porn+Viagra Shop Takes Foodstamps!

Man, I wonder why the stores don't advertise this? People are trading food stamps for Viagra, porn, and booze. Last I checked, vegetables, Hamburger Helper, and Count Chocula were all that foodstamps covered down at the IGA. Foodstamps covering porn and booze must be a SuperWalmart thing; I hope one moves in soon. Sadly, the place in Detroit that found the loophole - which consisted of fraudulently charging more to foodstamp cards than was purchased - has been closed, so you'll have to get your porn and booze in other ways, poor unemployed people of Detroit.

Giant Penis Chit-chat!

Let's say you're a guy with a big penis, and your wife won't shut up about it. Me, I say, "WOOO, LET'S HIRE A SKYWRITER!", but some people are more private about it. Like this guy, who is, for some reason, embarassed that more women know about his huge penis than ever before. Answer: play the "what if your nipples were the topic of discussion" and see how that flies. For the advanced readers in the class, count the number of penii innuendo peppered throughout Prudence's response; I counted eight.

Penis Size Tool!

Measuring one's penis is a difficult task - you're always tempted to include more, like measuring from your asshole to the tip of your dick ("It's 22 inches, really!"), but condom maker TheyFit has decided, fuck you assholes and your messed-up measuring skills, here's a condom ruler. I totally love the fact that the increments are out of logical order - no trying to tell your ladyfriend you're a "J" and having her believe that's much bigger than an "B". They measure circumference, too, which should finally put to bed that "as big around as a Coke can" nonsense. Here's the to-scale printable version - and don't think I don't know you guys can use Photoshop and subtly shrink the image to make your dick look bigger, like those 4-foot-tall women they use in 'giant dick' movies. One last note: I love the creepy Kricfalusiesque dick wizard in the background. He can totally measure my dick anytime he wants.

Masturbation = Fired!

A newspaper editor took a racy step and published an anonymous article about mutual masturbation, one of the finest pasttimes that ever chafed a loving couple. Uh oh: she has resigned due to her frank acceptance of diddling your loved ones. To think a Hearst Corporation newspaper would even approve - well, fuck, it's some shitty college newspaper, and the column in question was written by an anonymous writer named "Lux." They're lucky anybody even reads their paper for something other than sports photos and the classified ads. Still, however, people have pretty much come to expect that a college student, devoid of sexual experience beyond fumbling clumsily in bed, is going to write a sex column with all the fervor and authority of an expert in human sexuality, so they better find a nice replacement, vetted and approved by the powers-that-be, somebody that'll write about sex without getting all sexual about things, that's gross. (Via)

Corpse Penis Touching!

When you work with naked people, you're certainly going to be tempted to touch them with your penis once in a while; it's only natural, especially if they don't complain. The problem is when the naked, compliant people you're touching with your penis are the corpses of your customers. A mortician has been relieved of duties when pictures have surfaced of him touching corpses' naked feet with his dick. Don't fuck with dead feet, it'll go nowhere good.

Sex: Good For You!

The proprietor of Good for Her wants you to know: enjoyable sex is good. Jesus Christ, and all this time I had no idea. Carlyle Jansen started her career by giving dildos to a member of the clergy (admittedly, Rev. MaryAnn Jansen, her sister), and built it into a store and workshop business that extends its services to sex ed programs in schools. That last sentence is so packed full of win that I want to drive to the border to Canada and claim myself a native. Healthy attitudes about sex, from the church to schools to private businesses? My country gave me the impression that this was impossible. Fuck you, America, I want my orgasms to come freely and happily, like in Canada.

Metal Penis Ring = Bad!

An "Urban Search and Rescue" team was dispatched to a hospital for a very unique task: removing a metal ring from an engorged penis. Hey, assholes: if you don't want to get into the newspaper for having the entire fire department paying attention to your dick, don't stick it into something metal. Penises plus metal holes = doesn't come off. Plus, don't be like this guy: he waited two or three freakin' days before he decided his black and dying penis might be a problem. Penises go in warm, soft things, guys, and you won't have this difficulty.

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