Posts Tagged 'News'

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Resolve For Urologic Health!

Well, urologic health brings with it sexual health - remember, you pee from there - so the Americal Urologic Society has released a list of good New Year's Resolutions that benefit your genitals. I'd have put "stop getting blowjobs from women with braces" as one way to increase penile health, but, well, I'm not part of some hoity-toity urological association, so what do I know.

2009, More Sex, Less Xanax

The Futurist is predicting an amazing 2009: people will do fewer antidepressants, which means - due to less libido-damaging chemicals in the system - more sex for sad people! This, we all predict, will mean a 2010 full of high antidepressant use due to the crushing pain of all the broken-up relationships, increased responsibility of additional children, and just plain craziness caused by a sex-filled 2009.

Obvious: Sex Good For You!

Who'd'a'thunk it: bumping uglies has a whole lotta health benefits. That is, so long as you're taking precautions to avoid the bad health effects of sex, which isn't to hard to do thanks to modern technology. I envision a positive feedback loop: healthier people have more sex, which makes them healthier, which lets them have more sex. You never hear of some muscular, attractive guy playing WoW in his mom's basement all alone, do you?

Abstinence Pledge: FAIL!

Who knew? Over and over again, we hear that abstinence pledges don't work. Well, they don't work to stop kids from having sex, but, really, that's not what they're for. Remember, conservative and religious activities are not to accomplish the stated goal, but to make the person feel better about their lives - remember, the evangelical-conservative position is "play the role, but if you screw up we'll take care of you". Celibacy pledges are to make the parents and children feel they're "playing the part" - going through the motions to look and act like everyone says they should. Does i! t stop anybody from having sex? Hell no, but that is rarely the goal. Nothing happens to the kids if they get knocked up or catch a disease; their family either blames somebody else, or covers it up, because the outward view should appear as though all children are celibate - I mean, they're wearing the freakin' ring. The big argument for celibacy promises is that explicit sexual education and access to condoms doesn't stop kids having sex, either. Well, I have news for you, conservative-evangelicals: Not a god-damned thing is going to stop your kids from having sex - when a kid decides to have sex, no promise, no ring, no condom, no education is going to stop them. Deep down, you already knew that, so stop pretending you've figured out the magical incantation to 'fix'the world according your moral view. Your morals are broken, not the world around you.

Snowman: Deadly Laser!

Hallmark, a place where deadly products are often found, has recalled snowman snowglobes, because they can snowrefract snowlight and start a snowfire in your snowhouse. No, these weren't cheap things: they sold for around a hundred bucks each. Whether they were made in China is yet to be seen.

Bathroom Sex = Arrest?

A couple having a tiff over whether or not someone had sex in the ladies' restroom (and, come on, who hasn't had that fight?) at a wittily-named restaurant resulted in an arrest...but not who you think it might. The cops hauled away a lawyer, who happened to be in the restaurant/bar, waiting for his car to be brought around by his valet. I'm guessing it's a good idea he wasn't driving himself - the guy got involved, claiming to be the fighting peoples' lawyer, refusing to butt out, and eventually having to be wrestled to the ground by four cops (causing his amusing bandage). We can only assume the bathroom-fornicators worked things out without any legal representation.

Road Garlic!

A small Iowa community got an excellent wintry donation: a load of free road salt. Problem: the salt had already been mixed with garlic and other flavorings. A food manufacturer, for whatever reason, could not sell the salt as food, but the road crews could put it to better use than the landfill would. To cut the smell, it was mixed with regular road salt, but it still causes hungry, hungry snowplow crews.

Penis Sniffing = Smackdown

When your gal wants to sniff your penis, it might be a wierd fetish; when it is because she thinks you're cheating, well, beating the crap out of her is only going to make things worse for you. Because, believe you me, she doesn't really want to smell anything on that dick of yours.

Men: Losers!

Sorry, men: we suck. Women get all the advantages: better pay, the ability to have children out of wedlock and be supported by the government, more education, at least according to a new book and this article from the Daily Mail. Don't worry, women, we won't let it go to your heads: Men will continue to be just as insulting, crude, and dismissive as we always have, because being a college educated single woman on relief raising a child on your own is an absolutely awesome life!

OK, sarcasm over: guys, this book is stupid, regardless how many true statistics they show, because the basic premise is flawed. This "Us vs Them" attitude towards women, that somehow men are confused about their roles and are falling apart because of it, is a crock of shit. Feminism isn't castrating us guys, it is the childish attitude that guys are in charge and women are taking over that is damaging men's place in the world. If guys would have the balls to treat the rest of the world with respect and honor, like a fairytale medieval knight instead of some asshole Disney-park-ride pirate, the world would be more civilized. The bad-boy attitude that gets the chicks doesn't even have to go away - nothing about feminism removes that - but you can't rely on it as some identity-maker. Getting a chip on your shoulder that because women are self-sufficient only shows just how dumb men have gotten on our own. Women still need men as companions and friend! s and lovers and helpers, they just don't need the caveman money-earning, open-the-pickle-jar-please crap that treats men like tools. Don't be a tool. Be a man, and stop pretending that women are preventing it. You're the problem if you can't behave like a real man.

Wanking in Milwaukee

It really does make sense: if you've spent many historic afternoons masturbating to porn in a public place, you figure is must be OK, right? Um, well, the security guards at the Milwaukee Art Museum have something else to say about it. But, come on: when it's such high-class art-museum masturbation, it really barely even counts as obscene!

Porn: Worse Than Bad Cop

A porn producer has gotten a 33-month prison sentence (that's 2-1/2 years, folks) for being unrepentant in his smut-selling. However, a crooked cop who would arrest people and extort money from them to go free, won't see any jail time, because he's very, very sorry for what he did. Porn - which, by all accounts, is legal most places - gets a worse deal for defending his business, while a crooked cop - 100% illegal everyplace - who admits wrongdoing and apologizes gets a slap on the wrist? Thank you, Department of Justice, for showing the world what's worse in American eyes: when visiting our great nation, don't buy any porn, and bribe your cops we! ll!

Big Tits: Not Bad!

Turns out that everybody's in agreement: women with big tits aren't medically ill or disabled. Well, everybody except those who actually have uncomfortably-large breasts. The argument was that a woman with huge breasts should have the right to get them reduced, but the courts ruled that insurance only has to pay if they're deformed. Because, apparently, breasts so large they need their own seat on an airplane aren't deformed.

Bettie Page Passes Away

Sadly, the lovely pin-up Bettie Page has passed away. She experienced a heart attack earlier this week, and had been in intensive care since. She was 85.


Germans have such a beautiful and lyrical language - oh, wait, I was thinking about the Polish. No, the German language are the Legos of linguistics; sure, you can build anything, but it's going to be blocky and knobby around the edges. A German dictionary publisher has put together their Best Words of 2008 list, and the one at the top is "gammelfleischparty," or "spoiled meat party", a slang term for a party full of people over thirty. Apparently, that kind of party doesn't sound cool unless you're over thirty as well. What ever happened to just adding 'izzle' to the first letter of a word? Kids these days don't understand just how easy it is. As for the Gammelfleischparty, I expect them to ! come to political control of the German Parliment by 2015...then they'll all be sorry.

Strip Club Discounts!

Poor, poor strippers: Michigan strip clubs, hit so hard by the economic downturn in the auto industry, have resorted to dollar-store-pricing for their dances. See, folks - this is why the Big 3 automakers need a bailout. Won't somebody please think of the pole-dancing chicks with big tits?

Day Without Gay?

D'OH! I picked up partial shifts on Saturday and Sunday last weekend, which means I get a day off during the week. I picked Wednesday, December 10th, but that, unfortunately, coincides with the Day Without Gay. The DWG is a protest of anti-gay laws that prevent loving couples from getting married, but all I want is a day off to watch the Military Channel and drink wine coolers. Now, my coworkers are going to think I'm all edgy and political. I just can't win.

Kiss = DEAF!

Be careful if your boyfriend is named "Hoover" or "Electrolux" - a young lady had her eardrum ruptured during an extra-passionate kiss. Her lover, whose lung rival those of most superheroes, sucked so hard on her face that the eardrum was sucked inward and tore. I don't know that I've ever sucked in that hard during a kiss, which leads me to the accusation "you're doing it wrong." The gay porn community, however, is apparently talking to the lad about a very lucrative career.

Bettie Page Heart Attack

Bettie Page, the 85-year-old former pinup, has suffered a heart attack and is in critical condition. Hopefully she pulls through.

Garbageman: Best Job Ever

Well, when you're a garbageman, you're always keeping your eyes open for something cool in the trash to keep. This guy's amazing find: 10,000 pounds in shredded money (the British money, not in weight). The police did their checking and found no wrongdoing, and nobody has reported any money stolen, so Mr. Eagle-eye Garbageman can keep the shreddings. If he wants to use any of the money, he will, of course, spend a lot of money on Scotch tape.

Texting Saves Lives

A remote doctor came across a man whose arm was mostly bitten off by a hippopotamus. Unable to do the amputation solo, the doctor turned to a reliable source: a doctor in London, via SMS text messaging. The amputation was a success, the doctor's celphone bill went up by about $500, and the hippos remain undisturbed. Verizon's new "Dead Zone" commercial will now consist of a young swimmer being warned that he shouldn't go in the river, due to the danger of hippos. "We're Good!" says the bespeckled Verizon mascot and their legion of cellular phone technicians, who are then ripped to shreds by angry hippopotamuses. Not that's entertainment!

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