Posts Tagged 'News'

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Porn Explodes Heart

A man, who really should have known better, put his already-injured heart through its paces by watching just a little porn. A little too much porn, at least for his heart: he went into cardiac arrest and died after his voyeuristic moviegoing. The heart defect was there already, but the sensationalist media doesn't fit that in their headlines, which read "Porn Kills Man" all over the world. This may encourage porn producers to add warnings; "if you are on MAO inhibitors, plan to become pregnant, are nursing, or have heart problems, see a doctor before masturbating to this film." The raunchier the movie, the more elaborate the disclaimer gimmick, even so f! ar as to offer insurance against 'death by porn' at the ticket counter. It gives 'the Tingler' a whole new meaning!

Vatican: Sex Tests For Padres

As a means of further streamlining the types of personalities that can become Catholic priests, the Vatican is going to issue voluntary tests to weed out those with uncontrollable sexual urges, uncertain sexuality, or homosexual urges. So, if you're a well-rounded, positively masculine, absolutely-certain heterosexual (but not too assertive about it, or certain to the point of 'rigidity of character') who can eliminate his libido through nothing more than prayer and will, you're perfect to be a priest. Anyone else, go check with the Anglicans, they'll hire anybody.

Confusion Abounds in WA

A land developer in Olympia has become fed-up with the environmentalists' requirements that he handle the wetlands properly before he can build his new supermarket. The problems are mounting, so the guy is about to throw in the towel and go with Plan B: he'll build a sex emporium instead if his permits don't get approved. Now, I think he's just confusing the deciders a, wetlands are good, but sex emporiums are good too...what's a poor, liberal Olympian to do?

Careful Where You Stick It

It's a recurring warning, but for God's sakes, don't stick your dick into anything that doesn't stretch, such as a 1" x 1" chunk of 1/4" steel pipe, or else some lucky fireman will have to cut it off you. The 73-year-old guy with the homemade jewelry first hoped they'd come along with the ring-cutter, but the 'ring' he had on wasn't exactly 14-karat gold. They needed some super-powered tools, a hand-held 'whizzer' saw designed for cutting through automobile parts. After careful manipulation, they guy was free, and set loose to keep sticking his dick places where it doesn't belong.

DST: Sleep, not Sex

When Daylight Savings Time brings us a boon like an extra hour of night-time, over half of men would like to spend that hour having sex. Women, however, aren't so receptive: they'd rather sleep than have sex. When you don't draw gender lines, it's pretty much even, but that doesn't mean something can't be worked out. As long as she doesn't mind a little jostling, both sides can get what they want, right?

Maybe Nude = Arrested!

A woman on a train in Utah - yes, Utah again - was taken off a train by the Transit Authority and "questioned" regarding whether she was wearing appropriate leg-coverings. Accusations had been made by other riders that the woman was riding the train without any pants on. Turns out, they were abso-fucking-ly right: she had absolutely no pants on, but she had on a miniskirt that blended in with the long coat she was wearing. She was instead turned over to the Fashion Police, who told her that if it was that freakin' cold, wear a longer skirt.

End Marriage With Fire

If you're getting cold feet, you're better off just running away from the church and pretending you got stuck in traffic or abducted by aliens. Setting fire to the building isn't the best option. Little did he know, that a pissed-off woman in a wedding dress is the most dangerous land animal in the world.

Free Porn On In-Car TV

How lucky can this guy be? While working at his delivery job, the rear-view TV system in Dirkan Ohnayan's car began displaying unsolicited pornography. Me, I've gotta look for it online or rent it at the dirty bookstore, but somehow, in some Ontario suburb, pornography is beamed directly into people's cars. That makes Canada only three steps away from a perfect society where porn is zapped directly into people's brains, thus removing all erotic reasons to leave the house.

Nude Biathlon Calendar

Canadian biathlon (biathlon?) athletes are doing what every young, athletic women from progressive countries do: fundrasing through nudity. The calendar itself is probably worth the money, but you may have another incentive to buy it: when you're visiting Canada, and a young lady skates up to you with a gun and says, "buy my nude pictures," it doesn't matter how hot she is, you do it.

UK Ruining Future

The U.K. may be one of the only places that allows human DNA to be inserted into infertile animal embryos, but not for long - the fear of humanzees and minotaurs has Brits screaming, "NO!", without realizing just how totally awesome that would be. I mean, who doesn't want a minotaur? I mean, they're a cow with fuckin' arms - they could mow the lawn, carry lumber, defend our ports from terrorists, and when their usefulness has been exhaused, they provide the tenderest steaks ever, due to all the virgin princesses they devour. Oh, that last part I didn't think about. I wonder if virgin humanzee princesses work. Two birds with one stone! Stupid po! pulist anti-geneticists.

Explosive Prime-Time TV

All is quiet, you're the only person in the house, you settle on the couch for a few minutes of television. You aim the remote and - KABOOM - you're now sitting on your front yard looking like Wile E Coyote. A undetected propane leak in a Montana home did just that, making it past such things as lights turning on, until the hapless homeowner tried to watch some television. Good thing: she survived. They make 'em tougher in Montana.

For Novelty Uses Only

They're 'for novelty purposes' for a reason: they're highly poisonous, thanks to Chinese production quality. Melamine, killer of dogs and babies, is now killing another natural resource: perverts. Those sexy flavored body cremes, made by the cheapest bidder, are showing up with dearly melamine inside. Well, nobody has actually died, and the levels are quite low, but it still goes to show that, no matter what it's flavored, Chinese things don't do in the mouth.

Bartending Bare Boobed

Once again (see also), some young lady forgot to wear clothes before showing up to work. Lady bartenders, as you might expect, get more tips the fewer clothes they wear, so this gal figured, why not go without altogether? Here's why: if some idiot ruins everybody's fun and complains to the cops, you're gonna get your ass arrested. Too bad.

Semi-Nude = Obscene

Montana, once a bastion of libertarian ideals, is tightening the cock ring like the rest of the U.S. A measure is in the works which will make even semi-nude establishments be determined a "sexually oriented business", thus restricting where it may operate. It's not too far off how the rest of the repressed America, but they point out two other businesses will be affected. Let's see: regularly displaying semi-nude entertainment counts, so it would have to be any movie theatre that shows R-rated movies? The Hollywood Video down the street where you can rent Revenge of the Nerds and National Lampoon's Vacation? Oh, it's not that nudity is the problem: I'll bet the other businesses affected are sex-toy stores, because we! all know that they're the problem with humanity today.

Sex Workers and the Retarded

The headline is "Sex workers sometimes help intellectually disabled", and all I have to say is: we know Republicans pay for whores; it's been all over the news for years! Hey-o!

Vacuum Fucking In Public

A Michigan man was arrested for "receiving sexual favors from a vacuum", which appears to be such a problem that Michigan specifically has laws against it. The police were probably just having fun by describing it that way to the press; the actual law was most likely something along the lines of "appliance rape" (can a vacuum give consent?). If it were illegal to have sex specifically with a vacuum cleaner, in general, wouldn't the coin-op vacuums at the car wash count as prostitution?

Porn DVDs Dying Off

Playboy is terminating their DVD production arm, because online is the way to go. It's always wise to go where the customers are, and if there's anything the internet has is people interested in looking at naked women doing naughty things. The DVD end wasn't just a forward-looking thing for Playboy: They suffered a two-million-dollar loss last quarter, and somebody had to go.

Palin Stripper Beauty Contest

Sarah Palin came in second in the Miss Alaska contest, like, fifty years ago, but her natural beauty will strut the runway yet again: the Club Paradise Men's Club in Las Vegas is hosting a Sarah Palin Lookalike Beauty Contest, hoping that the contestants will strip it all off. The winner will get to attend the inaguration next January, unlike the real Sarah Palin, who will be reduced to crying in her bedroom closet, snuggling a ratty old flannel blanket.


Long the subject of unbelievable photos, Denny's Beer Barrel Pub has been baffling competitive eaters for years by offering a week's worth of food in one sitting. Brad Sciullo took on the 20-pound burger and finished it in around four hours. The so-called 'Beer Barrel Belly Bruiser', at twenty pounds, is larger than a newborn baby, nearly every housecat, three gallons of water, is the unit of size for bags of concrete and ice-melters, and is only slightly smaller than my dick.

Beware of Flying Objects

Usually it's money flying out of my pockets at a strip club, but in this guy's case it was a poorly-fastened shoe flung across a room, hitting a mirror, and showering him with glass. Of course, he's suing, citing the strip club employee's poor safety procedures. The glass caused minor bleeding, but hurt the guy's pride even moreso, at least $15,000 worth of hubris damage. I don't think most guys realize that a strip club is worse than a biker bar. You're risking bodily harm going there, but unlike a biker bar you can't touch back. Porn has desensitized guys to what it's actually like to watch women gyrate in person.

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