Posts Tagged 'News'

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9 Ways Away From Stupid

Alternet, usually a good place to look for leftist rhetoric, has put together a list of nine solutions to our conservative society. Most of their troubles are laid at the feet of the Religious Right - which is probably true - but the sympathy of the undecided are the hearts and minds you need to convince. Anyhow, #6 makes obscenity less restrictive, #7 is decriminalization of prostitution and other "commercial sex" venues, and #8, better policies on sex offenders, all of which will allow people to be sexual without being afraid of punishment, regardless if religion is still a major part of people's personal lives. Missing from the list: reducing anti-BDSM laws,! and rules accomodating the needs of transgendered people.

Hooker Raffle!

Now that's ingenious capitalism at work! A couple of guys hosted a party, in which all the attendees put $10 in the pot. The prize: fucking a hooker. While it doesn't appeal to me as a fun party game, apparently the guys had enough friends who were tired of $10 crack-whore blowjobs and willing to risk it all for a chance to diddle a high-priced sex worker. Unfortunately, the police ran across their creative plan, and it turns out that the people involved had real jobs as well - and we all know that the public can't handle the idea that real people are involved in such amusements. The prostitute herself even had a job working with c! hildren, the horror! So, because these were white-collar adults who may have spoken to a child recently, instead unemployed drug-users, the courts intend to throw the book at them; one guy may end up fired for "inappropriate computer use". Stick with the $10 crack whores, buddy; anything better might draw attention.

Americans Falling Behind!

Americans are trailing our European peers in money, political progressiveness, and now we're falling behind in sexual promiscuity. Dear god, people, what are you doing wrong?!? Are we going to let those godless, insurance-having continental peoples be #1 at everything? The story does give you ideas for where to plan your next international vacation: Brits are the best at promiscuity, with Germans and the Dutch trailing behind slightly.

World AIDS Day

It's World AIDS Day today, marking the 20th anniversary of the awareness-raising event. The traditional gift for a 20th anniversary is china, but China is surprisingly low when it comes to AIDS patients, compared to its population. While isolationism has probably done the most for it, their government has been making a concerted effort to control the spread. In more progressive countries, we expect people to not be idiots: don't be an idiot, use a condom, don't make things worse, you moron.

Teens: Sex Addicts!

Deat god, it's a fucking epidemic! Our teens, normally docile, abstinent creatures, are being diagnosed as sex addicts like never before, and they don't even know it. If they are unable to mate with another of their species, they are resorting to copious masturbation. This is far worse than we had ever expected. It's a good thing our communities and teachers are discouraging them from safe sex practices or giving teens easy access to birth- and disease-control, because this has never been a problem before, so the only solution is to continue to preach abstinence, because that's always worked well. You'd think a kid who is constantly told their sexual urges are wrong and ! a sin wouldn't turn to medical diagnosis of a disease, but, well, what're you going to do? I mean, aside from masturbate while crying.

Hen's Night: SO HOT

New Zealand has something called "Hen's Night" for new brides, which is essentially a bachelor party for the ladies. Here in the US, where a 'bachelorette party' involves feeding the "I'm The Queen" sentiment that gets women into $50,000 weddings in the first place, playing 'dress up' but with real hairstylists, expensive clothes, and champagne. Down Under, however, women get all slutty, just like the guys do, by going to strip clubs and getting completely wasted. However, unlike the guys, nobody's dicouraging overt public sexual behavior, because it's women, and that's hot. "My lot have already done the titties out the window," said a bus driver who's often accosted by these women. Best. Job. Ever. !

WHA?! Hookers were once kids?!

A Disney-owned company has actually gone the reverse route of most of their cute young women by starting with the salacious sex stuff, then going to the tasteful photos. Much to everybody's shock and horror, ABC News has discovered disturbing evidence that Spitzer's high-priced escort, Miss Ashley Dupre, was once a precocious little girl. DEAR GOD what has the world come to, when cute little girls grow up into adults that...that...make their own decisions about sex!??! I think I may throw up.

Escort: Stop Hookers!

Turns out that escorts and moral conservatives have something in common: streetwalkers should be restricted, according to a professional escort. Unfortunately for the conservatives, she recommends legalising safer and cleaner methods of prostitution. My guess is the conservatives would rather it be a more "jaily" solution, so while the escort has some smart ideas, "smarts" apparently have no place in morality.

Online Porn: Good For Kids!

According to a new Harvard study, "...the increased popularity of the Internet in America has not been correlated with an overall increase in reported sexual offenses; overall sexual offenses against children have gone steadily down in the last 18 years" - meaning that the availability of online hookups, midget porn, and Second Life sex are good for kids! Who knew? Oh, wait - all the people who had been saying it would be a good idea to allow people a safe, solitary outlet for their sexual predilections that doesn't involve harming another person, but, well, those people were ignored. Yay, intellectuals who understand human behavior!

Lizard People For Al Franken

It's about half-way down in this MPR page, but someone who preferred to vote for the Lizard People in the presidential election had a change of heart, and decided Al Franken was the better state leader. Or maybe this is finally the proof we needed to show Franken's alignment with the Lizard People - dear God, it all makes sense now!

Older People: Idiots

People in their 30s and 40s are less likely to use a condom during casual sex. But...but old people know the problem is teen sex! Teens having sex is why there's AIDS, and why my pee burns, and how babby is formed! Aerosmith told me about wearing rubbers back in 1992, but I don't watch MTV anymore so it doesn't matter! I'm free to fuck whomever I want without a condom because it's my right to be an idiot - teens can't help it, right? If somebody made it past 30, it's because they're clean, you know. Nothing's sadder than a grown up who acts like an idiot teenager, even though they've had an extra decade of hearing what teens shouldn! 't to. Idiots, the whole lot of 'em.

Titti City - Not Coming

Sadly, the sign is a lie. Titti City is not coming to Hartford, CT, because the sign is believed to be a prank. This has, however, spurred the local government into action, because they are uncertain of how an adult business could even possibly arrive in their hamlet, so there are no distinct laws about it. Oh, the humanity! People might want to see strippers, which spurs the community to action, but a 55-year-old big-dollar business closes in these tough financial times and there's not a whisper of it. Oh, well, at least their priorities are in the right place.

Worst Sexing Places

Yeah, it's Cracked, but they can be just so funny sometimes. Only just so, but, hey, it's quick reading. This list: 10 worst places to get caught having sex. Meaning, actual places people have been caught having sex, according to recent news stories. Other places, such as the top of the St. Louis Arch, Grandma's bedroom, or on the floor of the House of Representatives, have not made the news...yet.

Guys: Armrest Kings!

When you're seated someplace and two adjacent chairs share an armrest, who gets it? The MAN, that's who. Men's agression overrides chivalry when there's no clear-cut rules about who gets it. Women, on the other hand, don't care as long as they don't have to bump up against some creepy, armrest-hogging guy's elbow.

Monks Beating Monks

Dude, who knew a state of self-denying piety would be so tough? The Church of the Holy Sepulchure is cared for by several different Christian sects of varying orthodoxy - which is ripe for turf wars and holiday violence! We can't blame the alcohol, we can't blame the drugs, we can't blame money or hookers...what else do gangs beat the crap out of each other for? Oh, right - dogma. It's sure a good thing we have monks like these showing us how real Christians do it.

BDSM: Normal

...but don't tell that to the U.S. courts, which still say anything that might look "mean" to an outside observer is considered just as illegal as child porn or beastiality. BDSM, however, now has yet another study that proves it's normal and healthy, and guys into BDSM may be more healthy than 'normals' because they're getting out their underlying frustrations with the help of a caring partner.

Indecent Polish Babes

Poland, who does not explicitly ban topless sunbathing, has cited two women for sunbathing topless, presumably because they were too freakin' hot. Beautiful women "showing nudity goes beyond social customs and norms in Poland," because, it seems, ugly topless sunbathers are the norm for Polish women. The topless supermodel appeared in court with a shirt on, but as you can see in the photo, the shirt was having trouble staying buttoned. Come on, courts: those breasts just can't help it!

Spitzer: No Swallowing

It's good to know that the courts have some smarts: when a guy is charged with soliciting prostitution, they concluded "that the public interest would not be further advanced by filing criminal charges in this matter". Oh, wait - that decision wasn't regarding average, every-day johns: that ruling applies only to former New York governor Eliot Spitzer. Oh, well. At least it's a start: if someone we trust with the running of one of the most populous states in the union is no threat to the public interest for hiring an escort, hopefully they'll realize Bob Smith from Fuckahooker, Alabama isn't any threat, either.


If you're genetically disposed for such horrors, three cups of coffee a day will shrink your tits. Caffeine seems to be biggest culprit, which means that those gallons of Diet Coke a day might cause weight loss, but only above the waist. For the sanctity of all that is holy, ladies, if caffeine makes 'em shrivel up like a balloon in the fridge, cut out the coffee! You'll regret it!

No God, Have Fun

As an atheist, I appreciate the message: There's probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life. The ads, appearing on London busses, are a response to pro-God advertisements and as with most campaigns both sides deserve equal exposure. But, yes, it's going to piss people off. Those poor, misled people with no sense of humour.

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