Posts Tagged 'News'

Page 19 of 25

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Condom Lube = Acne Killer

Cambodians are using a common condom lube to clear up their acne. They claim that very few other drugs work, but smearing the lube around on their face does the trick. I doubt it has much to do with the lube, but more with the Nonoxynol-9 that most condoms use as a spermicide -- if it's a gentle microbicide, it may be doing the job to kill off infections in a person's pores. Or their acne may be so embarrassed by having a condom wiped over them that they're hiding.

Pets Over Partners

The Department of Obvious would like you to know that most people would prefer to have their pet on a desert island than their lover. This could be attributed to the fact that a partner's needs are a pain in the ass, and why would anybody want to spend the rest of their life dealing with another person's demands and expectations? Oh, wait - that's marriage. This is why the Conservatives don't want to open up marriage to anything but a man and a woman. If people could marry their pets, Republicans would never get laid again. In other news, the originator of the survey, Petplan, surveyed their customers for this data, which means that people who! buy their pets insurance are so batshit insane that they throw their pets parties, prepare cooked meals for them, and share a bed with them. They're not getting laid either, I bet.

Global Warming = Less Plague

Is there anything that widespread cataclysmic climate change can't do? Apparently, people are still dying from the Black Plague, but -- whaddayaknow -- the plague can't live and spread in the warm, arid climates caused by Global Warming. Well, um, sure we can't grow food in dry, arid climates, but every cloud has a silver, plagueless lining!

Taserin' the Emu - REDUX!

No, this ain't the same emu as before -- another emu had to be tased into submission after, authorities guess, it escaped from a emu transporter. Despite being thumbless and devoid of lockpicking spy gear, these giant birds are becoming a threat to freedom-loving humans all over. Start sleeping with one eye open. They are coming for you

The Divorce Gene

There's a gene found in rats that influences their interest in mating for life. Whaddayaknow -- humans have it too, and wedded bliss is related to who has the gene. Men without the gene had happy marriages and were more likely to be married in the first place. Men with one copy of the gene are largely single or unhappy, but guys with two copies are most likely to show up in the tabloids. I'm looking at you, Mr. George Clooney.

Chili: 11 Pounds!

"Humble Bob" has single-handedly put the Mason, Ohio septic system at risk. Mr. "Bob", aka Bob Shoudt, won two grand at the Skyline Chili Spaghetti Eat-off for consuming eleven and a half pounds of chili-spaghetti, whatever the hell that is. It doesn't sound like a light snack, I know that for sure. For the next two weeks, mail to Mr. Shoudt can be addressed to King's Island Men's Room, Fifth Stall On The Left.

Putin: Defeats Tigers!

We've all known that Russian PM Vladimir Putin is some sort of extraterrestrial superhero, and now it's nice to see him using his powers for good. While visiting a nature preserve, Putin saw a tiger escape, threatening to attack a TV crew. Quick- thinking Putin shot the tiger with a tranquilizer dart and saved everyone's lives. Putin once killed three Chuck Norrises just by sitting up quickly, and once he even counted to infinity...twice.

Penis + Steel Ring = BAD

A Malaysian lad put a large metal nut on his penis, in hopes the weight will make it longer. Unfortunately, he later had an erection, which caused the non-stretchy bolt to pinch off the blood vessels, leaving his dick hard, painful, and nearing a reason to have it removed completely. Doctors, fortunately, were able to drain some blood, remove a little skin, and bring the man's penis back to "normal", hopefully with enough of a mark to remind him not to do that ever again. Why don't people realize, stick your dick into soft things. It's much more comfortable.

New Morals Are Here!

A thousand adults were asked if they'd partaken in any of these eight deadly sins recently: exposure to pornography (check), using profanity in public (check), gambling (no), gossiping (check), engaging in sexual intercourse with someone to whom they were not married (double-check), retaliating against someone (no), getting drunk (buzzed, yes) and lying (probably). I guess, as an operator of a porn blog, it shouldn't surprise the "Christian researchers" that I fail their test of moral oppression. Retaliating and lying are about the only two that have a high degree of harm to others. The "with whom they are not married" part doesn't necessarily mean cheating; I'm not married to Gracie, with whom I experience carnal knowledge quite often. The "Christ! ian" part of the researcher's self-description gives the questioning a very loaded state. No doubt the "researchers" will emphasize that the poll results prove that things need to be changed. They accuse the respondents of experiencing "little exposure to traditional moral teaching and limited accountability for such behavior." Well, good - we've been exposed to a more tolerant, progressive moral code and we've been accountable for that according to the New Morality's rules. The Old Morality is unacceptable, and their poll has spoken.

Airport Security Hates Holy Water

In further pope-related news, journalists travelling with the Pope to Lourdes are being warned not to bring back the magical healing water in their carry-ons. The airport security will not distinguish between the holy water and a bong-full of GHB, so it'll all be confiscated and destroyed. Why would God let the TSB destroy its holy water? Because God agrees that terrorists must be stopped from carrying small amounts of transparent liquids. It's in the Bible, I'm sure I read it.

Fetishist = OK!

In Sweden (and in the WHO), fetishism and sadomasochism are considered diseases, much as homosexuality had been in the past. The Swedish Association for Sexuality Education, however, wants to change that. They say there's nothing disease-like about these sexual proclivities, and want things changed. Denmark gave fetishism and BDSM the OK in 1995, so if Sweden can be seen as 13 years behind the curve, just think how bad we in the U.S. are. It's too bad it's Sweden; why can't these liberal, progressive countries be someplace tropical?

Enzyte Bob Gets Shaft

The company who sells Enzyte has fallen on hard times. Owner Steve Warshak has been found guilty on 92 charges of defrauding their customers. Not only does Warshak get shafted, he dragged his own mother down with him. She's cited with conspiracy, among other things. The kicker is, the efficiency of the pills isn't in question. Warshack, his mom, and his business all used 'free trial' kickers to bleed money from customers without actually sending them product or allowing them to get refunds when they tried to cancel. So, don't worry Enzyte Bob: your boss may end up in jail, but your huge phallus can remain e! rect without interruption.

Politics and Pornography

A journalist in Denver for the Democratic National Convention takes an unconventional 'man-on-the-street' turn: he found his "average Joe's" in Diamond Lil's, an adult shop and peepshow in the heart of downtown Denver. The pornseekers, unsurprisingly, are primarily liberal and progressive, somewhat in need of basic medical and social services, and pushing for Obama.

What Makes A Man

Honor, health, happiness, and good relationships are what makes a real man, according to a new study which took a look at both regular guys and ED guys, mostly to see if there's a difference in opinion and values. Priority of getting laid? Not as high as those things above. Material desires? Not so much either. Oh, I'm sure they still want those things, but they just don't consider them characteristics of being 'masculine'.

Amtrak Runs Out Of Gas

See, as far as mass-transit goes, this is why airlines suck. Airplane runs out of gas: kiss your ass goodbye while your plane plummets towards the ground. Train runs out of fuel: a brief wait for a replacement to arrive. Not that it didn't suck, but I don't think they annoyed passengers viewed their predicament in the correct light.

TSA Hates Boobies

A well-endowed woman kept setting off the airport metal detectors. Not satisfied that she has a lot of underwire in her bra, the TSA had to man-handle her huge tits. What could have been a sexy, sexy story ended up with a pissed off traveller and another example of airport security gone wild. Horribly, horribly wild.

No Nun Pageant

As I had thought, the Nun Beauty Contest wasn't real. Or, rather, the priest who had thought about it and came up with detailed plans for accepting applicants and how they will be judged has said that he was just thinking out loud about judging a nun's inner beauty. A priest, imagining evaluating legions of beautiful nuns. I think he's going to have to pray a few rosaries to atone for his sin of thought.

BDSM = Grrreat!

People who engage in BDSM aren't disturbed or dangerous, and actually may be having better sex than the 'normals'. Um, duh. Now, I'm not for anything that leaves serious marks on the participants, but getting a little freaky is actually good for couples if they want it that way. It doesn't surprise me that the survey results say, "people who receive the kind of sexplay they desire are happier than those who don't." More proof that those viewing the act of sex without participating haven't a fucking clue about what's 'right' or 'wrong', and shouldn't be allowed to say anything about it.

Nun Beauty Contest

Rev. Antonio Rungi of Naples, one of the brains behind the inflatable beach church, has a new plan to attract the lustful to the Catholic faith. The Sister Italia beautycontest is open to nuns from all over the world who can prove their outer beauty matches their inner beauty. The Padre's website says nothing about it, and if he has a blog it ain't showing up in searches, which makes me think it could be a hoax. Still, all I can envision is Evangeline:
Gunslinging nuns from the future are the hottest of all nuns.

Anti-Drug Teen Ninjas

Two kids dressed up as ninjas were targeting drug users and dealers, giving them highly poetic threatening messages. Their first target: the 16-year-old girlfriend of one of the ninjas. You see, Nothing is more threatening to a Shinobi Warrior than a 16-year-old Jersey girl. As far as ninjas go, they sucked at it -- nobody sees a ninja who does his job right. If they were real ninjas, the cops would have found an empty car alongside the road and issued a parking violation. I've seen enough movies to know that much. It looks like these two kids had a little too much anime and Red Bull.

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